


Former Love

by orphan_account



Series: Speech Impediments [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Asshole!Gerard, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, M/M, Nightmares, Reunions, Sequel, asshole!Frank, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 86,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4457129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank and Gerard had set off to their different colleges. Like many people, they promised to stay in touch, but when Frank failed to show up to Gerard's graduation ceremony, he lost contact.</p>
<p>Ten years on, Gerard was stuck in a dead-end job, and drowning in his thoughts. But, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get one question out of his mind: what happened to Frank?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> Here's the sequel to Early Sunsets. If you haven't read the first bit before, I'd recommend you did because it would make more sense to, y'know?
> 
> I'm really excited to write this, and have a handful of routes where this could go down. Yay!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and excuse my shameless Panic! At The Disco related title, I couldn't resist.
> 
> As always, this is also on [Wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/story/45981987-former-love-frerard-sequel-to-early-sunsets)

The morning dew on the grass hadn’t yet cleared, leaving a small shine on the blades of green which stuck out from underneath a thick blanket of dead leaves which littered the floor. All but one tree, a proud evergreen, had lost their leaves. The cool autumn breeze swept through the bare branches, making them sway in the wind slightly, knocking off any remaining foliage to the ground.

Donna walked towards the two cars parked in the drive way, suitcases in hand. She’d forced both Frank and Gerard to learn how to drive over the summer, and they both managed to save up to buy half decent cars for themselves. She told them that she’d take them to their respective colleges, but because of the distance it wasn’t logical. Gerard agreed, thinking it would be easier to come back over their vacations to see each other once again.

Shivering in the early September wind swooped around her; she opened the back door of Frank’s car – an old Volvo. The doors were stiff and stuck at the hinges, and the windows on the passenger seat directly behind the driver’s seat didn’t go down, but it was a car that (just about) worked. Frank didn’t care. It would get him from A to B, and that was all that concerned him.

Donna put his bags on the back seats. She put them down flat – lessening the change of them falling off when he turned a sharp corner or stopped suddenly. It was in her nature to make sure everything got to his college in one piece, especially Frank. She’d had nightmares of the unthinkable happening – anything from car crashes to fires. Anything and everything imaginable crossed her mind about the journeys they were about to undertake.

She sighed to herself and took a step back from the car, inspecting her work. Once satisfied with her work, she moved some of her blonde hair which had falling in front of her face back behind her ear, and went to pick up her son’s bags. There was considerably more compared to Frank as the college has insisted that he brought his own art supplies for the first semester.

“Art schools,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head a little. She shut the door behind her and proceeded to walk towards the other car.

Both boys had offered to put their cases into the cars themselves, but she refused, telling them that saying goodbye to the people in the house was more important. When they made a fuss, she laughed, and told them that it would be easier. Besides, she knew how to make the most of the space given – a mother’s thing, she said. Frank quickly gave up, knowing that Donna wouldn’t change her mind, and Gerard followed suit, rolling his eyes at his mother’s stubbornness.

The slight crunch of dead leaves under foot broke the repetitiveness of the wind howling through the trees. Donna looked behind her to see her son standing at the foot of the porch steps. He smiled sheepishly; his arms wrapped around himself to keep warm, and shrugged his shoulders.

“Can I help?” he asked from across the garden.

“Go back inside and say goodbye to everyone. And I mean everyone – that includes Mikey, too.” Gerard groaned and shook his head. “Go on. Inside – no, don’t whinge. I’m still your mother, and if I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it,” she mock-threatened. “Go.” She heard her son huff and turned back to the house and sulked off back inside.

She shook her head again, and carried on putting luggage into Gerard’s car. Admittedly, it wasn’t as good as Frank’s, if that was even possible. Gerard’s was an ancient Nissan. It was a strange mud brown colour with dents covering the body work. Donna swore she saw rust around the wheel arches, but Gerard denied it, giving her a weak smile, telling her it was just a different shade of brown. After that, the supposed rust had miraculously gone and wasn’t brought up again.

The amount of canvases and paints the school had requested them to bring seemed a bit extreme in Donna’s opinion. It was strange, since they were paying for his tuition there; they should be supplying equipment, but apparently not. She grumbled to Gerard for hours after she was told the news, but he just shrugged, telling her there wasn’t much she could do about it. Besides, he was accepted into the college he’d dreamed of, one small compromise wasn’t too much to ask for.

Gerard had covered all his supplies in bubble wrap, even the paintbrushes. It seemed a bit excessive to anyone else, but to him it made him feel more relaxed with the rest of the packing.

Donna laid the canvases on the floor in the back of the car. They’d moved the two front seats forwards in an attempt to make more space. Luckily, they just fit with inches to spare. When they were in, she started to arrange the other cases and bags around the seats, and the lighter ones went on top of the canvases. She knew Gerard wouldn’t approve, but once they were in he wouldn’t complain.

Being alone let her mull over her thoughts. She knew the time would come when everyone would move out, she wasn’t stupid. She didn’t expect it to come as quickly as it did. She could still recall when Gerard was only a child, and she told him that he was going to have a baby brother. She still remembered the confusion on his face which quickly broke out into tears, thinking that he was going to be replaced. The memory made her smile. He was always a melodramatic child.

Although they had their ups and downs, like many siblings did, the two brothers got on perfectly fine. When Mikey was in the same school as his older brother, Gerard took on full responsibility of protecting him, no matter how shy he was himself.

Lost in thought, she put the last bag into the back of the car and shut the door with a loud bang. She rubbed her eyes, unaware that she’d started to get tearful, and proceeded to make her way back to the house.

They’d invited a handful of friends and family members over for the small goodbye gathering the night before. Everyone sat around the kitchen table, sharing stories from their childhood and laughed until their sides ached and eyes watered. Donna had ordered pizza for them all, claiming that it should be a time where everyone was with one another, and not her slaving away in the kitchen. Everyone agreed, wholeheartedly.

The evening wore on and people started to leave. They wished Frank and Gerard luck, giving them both hugs and words of encouragement. Gerard politely smiled back, whereas Frank gave them a semi-awkward nod.

Donna had forced them to bed far earlier than they wanted, knowing that they couldn’t drive whilst tired. They begrudgingly agreed, and walked to their room, giving the remaining guests a small wave.

As much as she tried to push the thoughts from her head, she kept on remembering that soon enough, it would just be her and Mikey left in the house, and then it would just be her. She sighed to herself, and wondered whether getting a dog was a good replacement for children.

She made her way into the living room where the rest were. Ray came over early, wanting to say a final farewell to his friends before they were on their way.

She walked into the room and heard them discussing when they’d see each other next, and vowing to stay in touch, whether it was via phone call, text, email – whatever they could manage. All four nodded with small smiles.

Donna cleared her throat. “Ready to go?” she asked. Frank whispered a ‘yes’ and Gerard silently nodded, not trusting his voice to stay steady.

They followed Gerard’s mother onto the porch and gave the two boys a final hug.

“Be good, okay? Remember to eat proper, balanced meals. That means more than just Pop-Tarts, Gerard. And you, too, Frank. Be nice, don’t get into fights. Don’t forget to call when you get there. Do-“

Gerard stopped his mom in this tracks by pulling her into a tight hug. “We’ll be fine, don’t worry,” he whispered, trying to convince her, as well as himself.

This was the first time they’d ever be fully dependent of each other, and it was a big step. It was weird to think that they were being pushed out into the wider world whether they were prepared or not, it was happening.

“Okay,” she took a deep breath. “You two better go. You don’t want to be late.” Frank gave her a hug and thanked her for letting him stay with them for the year. She shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes, and told him it was nothing.

Frank smiled at Ray and Mikey and waved at them, mouthing that he’d keep on touch and phone when he was unpacked and settled down enough.

Gerard held his hand out and waited for Frank to take it. Once their fingers laced together, they gave each other a sad smile and walked towards their cars.

“That’s a bit dramatic,” Mikey called from the house. Gerard flipped him off and laughed at his mother’s gasp and the foul gesture.

“This p-probably is a little d-dramatic,” Frank agreed with the younger Way brother.

“It may be, but we’re only going to do this once. Better make the most of it,” Gerard said, a playful smile playing on his lips.

The walk down to their respective cars wasn’t long at all, and before they knew it they were standing in front of Frank’s car.

Frank unlaced his hand from his boyfriend’s and pulled him into a tight hug, and buried his head into the crook of the older boy’s neck so he couldn’t see the fresh tears forming in his eyes.

“Shhh, don’t cry, Frankie. I’ll phone you the second I’m there. I promise,” he whispered softly. “You’ll do fine there. Meeting new people is scary, I’ll give you that, but you’ll get to know people with the same interests as you. And besides, we’ll be back for Christmas, right? We’ll be right back here before you know it.”

“I know – I know, b-but... don’t f-forget about me,” he begged, insecurity dripping from his voice.

“I’ll never forget about you, sweetheart,” Gerard hushed him. “How could I forget you when we’ll call and Skype every day?” he asked, laughing slightly.

Frank took a step back from Gerard and looked him in the eyes, searching for any hint of a lie in them. Luckily, he could see he was being honest.

The sound of Donna pushing the others into the house made Gerard crack a small smile, knowing his mother knew they wanted to have some time alone to say goodbye.

“We need to go,” Gerard spoke and looked at the cars, sadly. Frank followed his gaze and sighed.

“Yeah... o-okay, I guess.”

Frank opened the driver’s door and sat down in the seat, his legs dangling out of the car. He looked up at Gerard, tears still fresh in his eyes. Gerard reached down and wiped the ones from his cheeks away with his thumb as gently as he could.

“No more tears,” Gerard murmured, which was pretty hypocritical as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He quickly blinked them away, and replaced them with a semi-convincing smile. “You’ll be fine.”

Frank stood up from his sitting position and wrapped his arms around Gerard’s neck, pulling him into a sudden kiss.

Gerard tasted a slight saltiness on his boyfriend’s lips, and smile sadly into the kiss. “What did I say about crying?” he asked, mumbling against Frank’s lip. But shortly after, he felt his own tears starting to trickle down his face.

“No tears,” Frank spoke softly and sat back down in the driver’s seat. He placed the heels of his hand to his eyes and wiped them away.

“Phone me,” Gerard reminded him as he closed Frank’s door and walked to his car.

He was impressed by his mother’s ability to fit every bag into a minuscule space, and sat down in front of the steering wheel. He took a deep breath and turned on the stereo to a random radio station, in an attempt t cover up the buzzing silence in the car.

He fished around in his pocket until he found his keys. He put them in the ignition and turned them. A spluttering sound was produced, but that was normal, and the car burst into life. He put the car into reverse and gave Frank one last wave, and backed out of the drive way and to his new college for the next four years.

 

Throughout college everyone stayed in touch, like they promised. Every time they had enough spare time from the mounds of studying and work, everyone met up at Gerard’s house.

Against all the odds, Frank’s and Gerard’s relationship became even stronger. Between the times they met up, they tried to Skype or call one another every day, no matter how hard it became. They filled each other in with stories from their classes and dorms, and complained about how much they missed each other.

In the second year of college, Frank decided to focus his studies more on creative writing and poems, and joined a photography club. When he told Gerard, he laughed, but commended him on trying something new and interesting, and asked for pictures when they saw each other again.

Gerard had decided to specialise in digital art and comics, as he had always had a deep interest in the style. The change in topic made the remaining years fly by.

Before he knew it, it was his graduation day. He’d worked hard over the years, and was given a Bachelor of Fine Arts, making his mother cry with joy when he was handed it.

He walked over to them, the robes they forced him into flowing behind him. Donna ran towards him, pulling him into a tight embrace and mumbling something about being proud and how she had always known he could do it. He smiled, accepting the congratulations from his old classmates and friend’s he’d made throughout the years.

He looked around the small crowd of family members and friends in search of Frank, but couldn’t see him. He raises an eyebrow, but his mother pushed him towards the mass of black robes and told him to go and throw his hat in celebration.

The task was completely optional, but knowing how long his mother had waited for this moment, he went along with it.

Once the clichés were over, he walked back to his family.

“Where’s Frank?” he whispered to Mikey. He shrugged and continued to message whoever he was texting. Not satisfied with the answer, he found his mother, who was in a deep discussion with another parent.

“Where’s Frank? He’s not here?” he repeated, but this time to his mother.

“I invited him, but he didn’t show up. Must’ve been busy,” his mother answered. Gerard sighed, trying to ignore the disappointment in his stomach when he accepted that his boyfriend wasn’t going to show up to one of the biggest days of his life.

“Probably busy,” Gerard muttered to himself, bitterly.

He paced around the hall where the graduation was being held, trying to gather his thoughts. He had tried to contact Frank himself, but either received blunt replies not nothing at all. He didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary, this time had always been a rush for him, but it didn’t sit well with Gerard. At least they could see one another when Frank graduated, he thought to himself.

It took him a few minutes to find his mom in the mob of people, but once he caught sight of her blonde hair, she wasn’t hard to miss.

“Hey, mom. When does Frank graduate? It has to be soon, right?” he smiled eagerly.

Donna’s smile fluttered a bit, but she regained it before anyone could notice. “He’s already graduated. It was about two weeks ago. I asked him last month, and he said he’d just invite you. I thought you went.” Gerard shook his head and cast his gaze to the floor. He took a deep breath.

“I didn’t get an invite.”

“Oh, honey. It was probably lost in the post – these things happen. I’m sure he’d proud of you. Why don’t you call him later on, alright?”

“Yeah,” Gerard sighed and gave the most convincing smile he could. He walked to the back where they had set out a selection of alcoholic drinks, and grabbed the closest one to him.

As he took the first big gulp of the drink, he heard Frank’s unforgettable stutter voice in his head. “Don’t f-forget about me,” he said all those years ago. Gerard laughed to himself, letting the feeling of betrayal seep deep into his skin.

“Not forgetting anyone,” he said to himself, resentfully. “I’ll drink to that.” He drank the rest of the punch in one, and went off to find the people who cared about him to celebrate with.


	2. Chapter 1

When Gerard graduated from SVA, he thought he had the whole world in front of him, and fully expected to get jobs offers from every direction. The thought that he’d have a nice apartment somewhere in New York City, with Frank at his side with his stacks of best-selling literature filling up their cosy living room. They’d discussed it on long night while studying for their upcoming exams. It was their dream, even though it was pretty unachievable, but it managed to get them through the toughest of stress and bouts of homesickness.

However, not everyone’s dreams come true, and Gerard learned it the hard way. He was forced out into the wider world with his BFA under his belt. He’d tried to call Frank multiple times when he left the ceremony, but only got put onto voicemail. He left messages, each becoming more desperate than the next, but quickly gave up once he was met with no reply.

He pushed it to the back of his mind and decided to search for a job, as he had to keep his apartment, no matter how shitty it was, pay his bills as well as living costs from his years in college. His mother had paid as much as she could, but had to set some money aside for Mikey and Frank.

Looking for his idea career was a lot harder than he first thought. His professor had told the college graduates that it would be difficult to find anything that they wanted to do as soon as they left. The Art industry was tricky to get into – you either made it, or you didn’t, it was all depended on how motivated you were.

May of his old classmates and acquaintances decided to become independent artists, whereas the lucky few were picked up by major companies. He tried not to be jealous of them, but when he heard the cheers of joy when they received messages from their new employer, a pang of envy washed over him like a wave. Nevertheless, he gave them his most sincere smile and congratulated them.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky. Getting a job with an Art degree was complicated enough, but getting one which was biased in comics was even harder.

Donna tried to reason with him multiple times. She told him that it would be better if he got job in a store, or something mundane like that, just until he found something. She told him that she couldn’t afford to pay for him and that at twenty, he should be providing for himself. These conversations went on for months until he caved in, agreeing that he’d do just that.

***

Gerard stumbled through the door to his apartment. It hit the wall, producing a loud bang, but he couldn’t make himself care if it produced a dent in the wall. It would probably make it more interesting, and give him something else to look at.

He threw his coat and bag onto the old brown couch, and shut the door behind him. He glanced to where the door handle hit the wall. Luckily, there wasn’t a mark – he wouldn’t have to pay the landlord for damages with the money he really couldn’t afford to hand over. He was just paying the rent with the pathetic amount of money he managed to scarp together at the end of every month.

He made his way into the small kitchen. He still lived in his shitty, rundown apartment in New York. In theory, if he moved somewhere else, he would have been able to afford somewhere nicer, but he was adamant on perusing his dream - to become a world renowned comic book artist, and believed that all his opportunities lay in the city. With that in mind, he suffered through his job in the local convenience store.

That day had been crappy, even for his standards. A mother had come in, demanding to speak to the manager, and not taking ‘no’ for an answer. Gerard tried to reason with her, telling the woman that the manager wasn’t in on that day. He never was, not when anyone needed him, anyway. The woman became increasingly annoyed with his feeble attempts to keep it under control. Eventually, he snapped and shouted back at the customer. He was still hung over from the night before, and couldn’t be bothered with prissy people complaining about the quality of the products they bought there. What did they expect from a cheap store? High quality goods? If only. Horrified, the woman said she’d call whoever was in charge and complain. Gerard rolled his eyes as discreetly as he could. He didn’t care. They wouldn’t fire him. Not just yet.

The opened one of the cupboards and looked through it, hoping to find anything edible in it. He’d quickly given up with cooking himself actual meals, despite his mother’s concern. He found that fresh food went off too soon for his liking, and stockpiling instant noodles was a lot easier. Plus, they lasted longer, too.

Sifting through the remnants of half-eaten packets on noodles and cans of god knows what, until he found what he was looking for.

The landlord had a strict no alcohol policy. Rumour had it that a group of people  had a party, resulting in thousands of dollars of repair bills, and someone breaking their leg. Gerard didn’t question it, thinking that it would be easier just to hide the alcohol instead. The landlord never checked well enough to find it. Over the years, Gerard had become better at concealing the cans behind boxes of cereal and other household essentials.

He smiled when he felt the familiar cool metal of a beer can. He moved the food to the side, making it easier to retrieve the drink. He didn’t have any interest in the food, all he wanted to do was relax and forget about everything for a while. Sometimes, he wondered why he bothered buying so much since he didn’t eat half of it.

He shrugged and shuffled towards the couch. It was old, the springs had started to come through the thinning padding, but he put some old pillows where the worst of the springs were, and it was a good as new to him.

Gerard moved the other bottled and cans from the side of the seat with his foot, and slumped down. He kicked off his shoes and lay back, resting his feet on the arm of the sofa. He opened the can, the mere sound of the slight hissing from the beer made him feel more relaxed.

It was slightly warm as keeping it cold wasn’t possible. Gerard wrinkled his nose, but continued to drink it. He finished the first can within a few minutes, and was still unimpressed by his sober state. He sat up from his lying position and went back into the kitchen. He kept the cupboard door open, and everything was still pushed to one side. He gathered a few more cans and bottles in his arms, loving the feel of the cool glass against his skin.

It had been a couple of days since he had completely passed out from being drunk. He missed the mind numbing feeling of it, allowing him to forget his shitty existence for at least a handful of hours. The only side effect to it was the hangover that followed, but after years of practise, he’d managed to find a perfect remedy to lessen the headaches: coffee and a cocktail of painkillers.

He put the extra alcohol on the floor with the empty can, and switched on the small lamp on the table beside the sofa. An orangey glow quickly filled one corner of the room, making it feel cosier, which he preferred to the cold room surrounding him.

He resumed his former position on the couch, and continued to drink everything around him, not caring about the state he’d be in for work the next day. It wasn’t like he cared for the job; it only gave him funds to survive.

***

It was late when Gerard finally decided to make his way to bed. The room had been plunged into darkness, with the expectation of the small light next to him, which still shone brightly.

He placed his feet on the ground, preparing himself to stand up and make the short journey to his bedroom. Luckily, his apartment wasn’t large, but it felt like he had to run a marathon to reach the door down the hallway.

With a deep breath, he pushed himself off the couch, and stood up. He could feel the alcohol in his stomach and the small sickening feeling coming back, but he ignored it. He knew that once he was lying down again, he’d be fine. He felt slightly dizzy; although not dizzy enough that he was going to fall flat onto his face with the first step. On the whole, he felt fine. He cautiously placed one foot in front of the other, trying to walk in a fairly straight line. It was going well for the first three steps, until he started to wobble. He put his hands out to the side, pressing them against the cold wall to steady himself. Taking another breath, he slowly made his way to the bedroom door.

Doing his best not to fall right into the other room, he pushed the door open. Thankfully, his room had always been immaculate (something he prided himself on), so there was nothing in his path which he could trip over whilst stumbling to bed.

Gerard reached out in front of him, and felt a wave of relief hit him when he felt the soft fabrics of his bed sheet beneath his hands. With a lopsided smile, he slid under the covers, his work uniform still on, and allowed the blankets to block out the wind coming in front the open window.

“Fuck,” he cursed to himself, and looked at the window on the opposite side of the room. He swore he had closed it before he left, but evidently not. In his drunken state, he weighed up the pros and cons, and could only see himself stumbling over his desk chair when trying to shut the window. It was approaching December, and the weather was taking a turn for the worst, but the alcohol kept him warm enough to nestle down into his blankets more.

The headaches and nauseous feelings went away once Gerard was lying down. He propped himself up, using the headboard as a makeshift back of a chair, and looked around in the darkness. It didn’t take long for him to start laughing at how low his life had become. All he managed to achieve was a shitty job in a store – not even an art one, and get drunk whenever he could.

His laughter quickly became tears as the self-loathing feeling he’d come to know so well came back. Slumped in bed, he reached over to his phone and unlocked it. Squinting against the bright light produced by it, he decided to call his brother.

The rings seemed to echo around the silent room. He sat there as patiently as he could, waiting for someone to pick up the phone.

After the third ring, someone did. The repetitive sounds were replaced with the voice of his brother coming through the speaker.

“What is it now, Gee? It’s late, and you and I both have work later on.”

“H-h-heeeeey, Mikes,” he slurred down the phone with no attempt to hide how pissed he was.

“Not again,” Mikey said, mainly to himself. “This is the third time this week, Gerard. It’s only Thursday! How do you manage to keep a job, and be drunk every second you’re awake. You know this isn’t health. Mom and I have told you so many times that you need-“

Gerard cut him off with a hiccup, followed by a giggle. “Yeah – yeah, I know. See someone about this. I’m fine. ‘m not even that drunk.” He didn’t have to see his younger brother, but he knew that he was rolling his eyes at the phone, not buying any of the lies Gerard was producing. “So, how’s Ellen? Mom said she’d moved in with you a week or so ago?”

“Stop avoiding what I’m telling you. We’re worried, you know? And her name is Ella, and we moved in together around a month ago. Don’t you remember me telling you?” Mikey asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

“Ellen, Ella – all the same to me. Both E’s,” Gerard hiccupped again. “Right?” Mikey made an affirmative sound. “She’s nice. Don’t let ‘er go, okay? Maybe you can have more luck than me.” Gerard looked off into the darkness again, a bitter feeling quickly joining in with the hatred.

Mikey sighed, knowing exactly where this conversation was going to go. Gerard would tell him that he was lucky, bitch about an ex from ten years ago, and then go on a rant about how he never deserved anyone. It always happened, and Mikey was the person who had to listen to it.

“Listen, Gee. I know you aren’t going to like this, but you need to get over him. He’s gone. And I’m sorry that he just left you like that, I really am, but it’s been nearly a decade now.” Gerard groaned in disgust. “No, I knew where this was going to go. Every time you call me, you end up saying how much you loved him, and that he stabbed you in the back.”

“I loved him, Mikes,” Gerard said, barely over a whisper, feeling more and more pathetic with every word he managed to say. “I still do.”

“I know,” his brother replied, trying to add as much sympathy as he could into his voice. “When’s your next day off? I haven’t seen you since July, and that was over five months ago. I’ll take you somewhere and we catch up, alright.”

Gerard stayed quiet, trying to think of when he was next free from the life draining job he’d managed to get stuck in. “Dunno. This weekend?”

“This weekend we’ll do something. It’ll get you out of the house that isn’t just you getting out for work. Does that sound good?”

Gerard nodded, which was stupid of him, but his intoxicated mind didn’t catch on until Mikey made a coughing sound. “Uh, yeah. Sounds good.”

“Good. Now, get yourself some water, and perhaps a bucket. And then, sleep. You need rest. You’re going to have one hell of a hangover when you get up. Do you want me to call your boss and say you’re sick tomorrow?”

Gerard let out a pitiful laugh. “You sound like mom, you know that? But no, I’ll be fine. It’s not like I haven’t managed this before.”

“You need to stop doing this. At first, it wasn’t a regular thing. Everyone likes to get drunk once in a while, but now it’s a problem. Don’t you see?” he sighed. “It scares me when you’re like this. I never know if the next phone call I’ll get will be off the hospital saying that you’re there because you fell or worse...” his voice trailed off, not wanting to think of the multitude of other scenarios.

“I’ll get better,” Gerard whispered, feeling his throat close up at the pure fear which laced his younger brother’s voice. “I will.”

“Just remember: I believe in you. See you on the weekend.”

“Thanks, Mikey. Love you,” he said quietly.

“Love you, too. Just go to sleep. Sleep makes everything better.”

Gerard hummed, agreeing with what his brother said, and whispered, “Goodnight,” down the phone before hanging up. He put it back on the bedside table and sunk back into bed, only feeling a little better than before.

Everyone told him to forget about Frank, but it was hard. They’d spent so much time together in their teenage years, and it took Gerard a while to accept that he wasn’t going to call back or turn up at his door with some grand apology. However, he stilled dreamed of it.

He wished that the conversations could stop the queasy feeling in the bit of his stomach, or the mind spitting headache which would surely come in the morning, not helped by the alarm he had to set.

Maybe he should stay off work the next day, but not turning up meant he didn’t get paid. He couldn’t afford to be away from work, not since he was on his last warning about paying the rent late, and living on the streets really didn’t appeal to him.

With the thought of waking up at 6AM in the back of his mind, as well as the everlasting worthless feeling, he slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 2

The beams of sunlight which filtered through Gerard’s curtains forced him awake. He lay sprawled out on his bed, his eyes still closed and not wanting to accept the fact that he had to get up. The sunlight made his head hurt – an all too familiar thudding feeling which copied his pulse – but he knew that opening his eyes would make it even worse. He stayed still, breathing heavily and tried to ignore the nauseous feeling pooling in the pit of his stomach. His head pounded, and he didn’t trust his stomach to keep down the contents inside it. On top of that, his muscles ached. This was partly due to the uncomfortable sleeping position he’d passed out in, and the restrictiveness of his uniform. His mouth was no better. To him, it seemed like something had died in there, and the taste alone was enough to make him gag.

On the whole, he felt awful.

His alarm went off in the far corner of his room – a tactic he used to make sure he dragged his aching body out of bed to turn it off. With a long groan, he shuffled out from underneath the warmth and comfort of his blankets to search for the incessant ringing sound.

He slowly stood up, and tried to get his bearings before he made the short journey to the desk on the opposite side of the room. He rubbed his eyes, and took a final deep breath before finally opening them. He blinked a few times, adjusting his eyes to the early morning light. It only amplified the sick feeling in his stomach, but he walked towards the clock, despite the loud noise only made everything worse.

He kept on stumbling towards the noise, grabbing onto random bits of furniture to try and keep himself from falling over. He was glad he lived alone; it meant no one would see his pathetic attempts at staying upright. It was less embarrassing for everyone.

With a sigh of relief, he found the clock. It was still blaring out the default sound, and Gerard hit the off button, plunging the room into silence again. He looked down at the little digital clock on it. Squinting against the blue light, he realised that there wasn’t any point going back to bed as it was already approaching 7:30AM.

Putting one foot in front of the other, he steadily made his way back towards his bed. With every step, the queasy sensation became stronger and stronger. He stopped in the middle of the room, and gripped the side of wardrobe. The longer he stood up, the worse he felt. He felt the determination that he had to go to work slowly drain from him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to work for longer than half an hour before wanting to throw up.

He swore to no one in particular. He hated himself for allowing himself to reach that point, but didn’t stop it from happening again. His self-destructive tendencies were ruining his life, and he knew it. Mikey knew it, too. On many occasions, his younger brother would beg him to stop, or to get help at least. But Gerard was stubborn and didn’t believe that he should be told what to do, especially by his younger brother. He was an adult and could make his own decisions.

He didn’t realise he was calling anyone until a voice came from the speaker on his phone.

“I’m surprised you’re up,” was the first thing Mikey said once he answered the phone. “What’s wrong?”

Gerard took in a deep breath and tried to stop his voice from shaking too much. “I don’t – I can’t go to work today,” he whispered down the phone.

Mikey sighed, and Gerard heard the sound of springs compressing suggesting that his brother was not sitting on the edge of his bed. “Go on, talk to me. Why can’t you go? I won’t accept ‘too hungover’ because you knew that was going to happen.”

He felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He closed his eyes tightly. “Last night, you said I needed help, and I denied it, right? Like always. But I’ve been thinking...” he trailed off, trying to find the correct words to say. “You’re right. I do. I’m nearly _thirty_ and getting so drunk I can’t remember the night before. And mom has a point, this is probably killing me.” He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears which were now forming.

“Well, that’s good. I’m glad you finally realised. We were going to have to do something soon, though. You’ve been like this for so long. Every time I get a call, I always dread to think that it’s from the hospital and that you’re in there after you’ve done something dumb.” Gerard snorted at his younger brother’s concern. He knew he wouldn’t have let himself become that far gone. He wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t.

“Don’t laugh, it was something that kept me up at night so many times,” Mikey whispered. “But that doesn’t matter now. You’ll be getting better. I’ll be over in an hour.”

“Don’t you have work?”

“As do you, but we aren’t going. See you in a bit,” he said before hanging up the phone.

Gerard groaned and rubbed his eyes. It was probably for the best that he was going to try and become sober. He didn’t want this kind of life – no one did. At the start, it was an easy way to help Gerard forget. It helped him relax after a long day surrounded by customers shouting at him, and made him feel good. But now, three years on, it had become a vicious cycle: becoming too drunk to remember your own name, stumbling to the nearest bin, throwing up and then waking up the following day feeling like you had been hit by multiple trucks.

It was time for a change.

***

He didn’t remember when he fell back to sleep, but the next thing he heard was a loud pounding at the door and his brother’s annoyed yelling coming from behind it.

He shuffled from his bedroom, still feeling groggy and slightly sick. He walked past the assortment of beer cans and bottles strewn across the floor. Even if he had the willpower to clean them up, there wasn’t enough time, as Mikey’s voice started to become impatient and echo through the small hallway from the door of his apartment.

“I’m coming!” Gerard shouted to Mikey, but instantly regretted it as the headache he thought had died down came back in full force.

Gerard took the last remaining steps to the door, and swung it open, allowing Mikey to come inside.

He saw his younger brother’s emotions flicker from annoyance, anger to utter concern in the space of half a second. To him, this was some form of a miracle, since he’d hardly seen any emotions on his brother’s face.

Mikey didn’t move from his position outside the door. He looked into the small apartment and eyed Gerard up and down, taking in all the surroundings.

“Do you want to come in...?” Gerard asked and took a step back, cursing to himself when he heard the metallic sound of an empty can hitting the floor behind him.

Mikey nodded silently and gingerly walked inside, hitching is bag onto his shoulder more. When Gerard raised an eyebrow at it, he finally spoke. “Thought you’d need someone to be with you, y’know? For support.”

Gerard hummed and walked into the main part of his apartment. He couldn’t help but notice that his brother’s eyes widened when he saw the state of the room. He knew it was a mess, anyone could have seen that. The amount of times he had told himself to clean it all away was probably in the thousands, but he lacked the motivation to do so. And, besides, he knew all too well that it would go back to how it was previously within a few days – there wasn’t any point.

He heard Mikey sigh and he walked around the room, picking up the litter on the floor. He felt like he was a child again with his mother picking up after him. It was embarrassing and degrading seeing his brother care for him like a baby.

Gerard cleared his throat, causing Mikey to turn around to look at him. “You can put your bag in my room.” Mikey nodded, but went straight back to picking up the empty packets of food on the floor. “But, look, you don’t have to do this. I’ll clean up,” he half whispered, half sighed and gestured to the remaining mess.

“No,” Mikey replied, stubbornly. “I’m here to look after you – don’t groan, you know its true – and it’s not like you would’ve done this any time soon, anyway. I know you, Gee. I’ll clean; you go and get a shower. You need it,” he laughed lightly, wrinkling his nose up in fake disgust.

Gerard laughed at his brother’s immature remark, but didn’t hesitate to flip him off.

“Go. Shower,” Mikey laughed and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. “You’ll feel better after it, and then go out to get a coffee. I think there’s a new cafe opening a couple of blocks away. You need a reason to get out of the house that isn’t for work.”

“Sure thing, _mom_ ,” Gerard said sarcastically, and made his way towards the small bathroom.

“Stop calling me that!” Mikey chuckled at his older brother.

“Stop giving me the reason to call you it, then.” He ignored Mikey cursing under his breath and locking himself into the bathroom.

***

The cold water came pouring from the shower head and washed over Gerard’s body. His muscles were still aching, but the icy water helped them relax a bit. He stretched, allowing the knots of tension to finally go.

He placed a large amount of cinnamon scented shampoo on the palm of his hand, and leaned his head back underneath the stream of water. He shivered as the water trickled over his lower stomach, but didn’t turn up the temperature. He took his head from under the shower and rubbed the Christmas smelling shampoo into his hair. It instantly foamed up, removing the weeks of grease and dirt that had started to collect there.

He kept on massaging the soap into his hair until his fingers became wrinkled at the tips. Taking a deep breath, he leaned backwards, once again, and rinsed out the suds. Once his hair was washed, he turned off the water and wrapped the closest towel around his waist.

Much like Mikey had said, he did feel better after it. He no longer felt as hungover and sick. He looked in the mirror above the sink and gave himself a small, unconvincing smile.

Getting better would help everything, he thought to himself. He’d neglected his art lately – partly due to work commitments, but mainly due to the fact he spent most of his nights drinking instead of doing anything creative. He knew he had to do something to keep his mind off it, especially once Mikey had gone, and art was the most obvious solution. It made feel him more optimistic about the challenges ahead of him.

***

When Gerard exited his bedroom, now fully clothed, he heard Mikey’s voice drifting through the hallway from the kitchen.

“I know – I know I left suddenly. I did leave a note. You know he’s not been fine lately, and it’ll only get worse.” He heard Mikey sigh down the phone. “I’ll only be a few days. Five at the most. It won’t be long. He needs some help right now, and I know I could at least try. I’m his brother, what else am I meant to do?”

Gerard felt a small amount of guilt come over him. He didn’t consider that Mikey would also have to take time away from his family, as well as work, to care for him. He felt selfish, he should have been able to look after himself by now, but not everyone believed that.

“I love you, Ella, but he’s family. I promised my mom I’d help if he got like this. Besides, he did ask for help, and you know that never happens. I’ll see you soon. And, yes, work did say this was fine. They understood.”

Mikey’s voice turned into a hushed whisper so Gerard couldn’t work out the remaining words of the conversation. He shook his head and felt stupid for eavesdropping on his younger brother. It felt like something they would’ve done when they were ten to blackmail each other, not in their twenties.

He walked towards the kitchen once he was sure there would be no sign that he had been listening into what he was saying. When he turned the corner, he saw Mikey standing at this sink filling it with soapy water.

Before he could ask, Mikey craned his neck and half faced Gerard. “Washing up,” he explained casually. “It’s a mess in here. When as the last time you did the dished?”

“Um,” Gerard thought aloud. “Maybe a week or two ago. Why?”

Mikey shrugged and continued to fill the sink, before reaching for the nearest plate to him.

“I’ll finish this up, and try and tidy the rest. I have no idea who you lived like this, Gee, but you won’t for much longer, alright?” he said, trying his hardest not to sound sad. “Go to that coffee shop. I should be done in around an hour. Take your phone – I’ll call you.”

“Yes, m-“

“If you call me mom one more time, I’ll break everything you own _and_ tell mom,” Mikey mock-threatened, crossing his wet hand across his chest.

“Okay – okay! I wasn’t going to, anyway. And how old are you? Nine? Using mom as a threat won’t work anymore, you know that,” Gerard said, shaking his head.

“Oh, it would work. Mom can be scary as fuck sometimes. Now, go,” he said, shooing Gerard towards the door. He managed to grab his wallet, which was left on the side, and walked out of his home before Mikey could pester him any further.

***

The cafe was a lot closer than Gerard had first anticipated. It was small, but every visible wall was filled with large windows, making natural light flood in and, in turn, making it look larger than it was. He looked through one of the glass and saw a line of stools up against a bar. Some were occupied with young professionals in tailored suits taking small sips of their drinks while flicking through the latest copy of _amNewYork_ and other newspapers, and others were left empty where a customer was before. To the left of the bar was a small refrigerated case stacked with the unsold breakfast items from the previous rush of people going to work. It was clear that they had a large selection to choose from as the vast majority of the glass plates orbiting around the centre of it were empty.

Gerard took a step closer to the window and pressed his face up against the glass, leaving patches of condensation where his warm breath hit the cold surface. To the very back of the cafe, there was a section of large armchairs accompanied with dark wood coffee tables. On top of those were small stacks of books from the huge bookcases covering the back wall. Exposed brick peaked through the gaps where the bookcases didn’t touch, giving it a cosy feel.

He guessed he’d been looking through the window for far too long, and he was getting cold standing outside. He walked towards the glass door and pushed it open. A small chiming sound came from the bell above the door, and the barista at the coffee machine turned and offered him a warm smile. Gerard tried to smile back, knowing it wouldn’t look as convincing as hers, but it was better than scowling at the woman.

“What can I get for you, darlin’?” she asked in a strong Brooklyn accent as Gerard approached the counter.

Gerard glanced up at the selection of coffees written on chalkboards behind the counter. They all seemed extremely pretentious to him, and he didn’t know or care about half of them. After a minute or so of deciding which to pick, he chose the simplest drink there. The barista nodded and pointed to a table in the back, informing him that she’d bring it over when it was ready. Again, Gerard smiled at the employee, hoping it looked more genuine than the first.

The back of the cafe was completely empty, meaning he got to pick where he sat. He sighed in relief when he saw a single armchair in the furthest corner. He slumped down into it, and grabbed the book left on the coffee table in front of him. He looked down at the cover, and realised it was a book of poems. He flicked through it, not paying attention, until he saw a title he recognised. He remembered doing _Annabel Lee_ by Edgar Allan Poe in school years ago. He shrugged his shoulders and read through the first couple of lines.

_It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea,_

_That a maiden there lived whom you may know_

_By the name of Annabel Lee;_

_And this maiden she lived with no other thought_

_Than to love and be loved by me._

Gerard read more of the haunting lines, slowly becoming less aware of the surroundings around him, and more focused on the words in front of him.

_I_ _was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea,_

_But we loved with a love that was more than love—_

_I and my Annabel Lee—_

_With a love that the winged seraphs of Heaven_

_Coveted her and me._

“Fan of Edgar Allan Poe?” asked the barista as she came over to the seat he chose. Gerard jumped and quickly looked up at her.

“Huh? What-? Oh, yeah. He’s alright. I used to study his poems in high school.” She smiled courteously and placed his drink on the small table.

“The whole place is deserted, why did you sit all the way back here?” she asked, tilting her head a little so her some of her brown hair fell from the tight bun she’d styled her hair into.

“Not a massive fan of crowds, and here looked nice,” he said, although it came out more of a question. “Uh, thanks, by the way. It looks nice here.”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” she said, smiling some more. “The boss worked really hard on it.” The faint sound of the bell came from the door, and she sighed. “If you need anything, I’ll be back there. Enjoy.” Gerard lamely waved after her and she giggled, but waved back nonetheless.

He put the book down and replaced it with the cut of coffee. He relaxed back into the cushions of the chair and let out a deep breath, letting his eyes close momentarily.

He brought the porcelain mug to his lips and slowly drank the liquid in it. It had been a while since he’d had proper coffee and not the instant shit he quickly made in the morning to get rid of a hangover and then out of the house. It was nice not to feel repulsed with what he was drinking.

He leaned forward and opened the book of poems back onto _Annabel Lee_ and continued to read from where he stopped.

_And this was the reason that, long ago,_

_In this kingdom by the sea,_

_A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling_

_My beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_So that her highborn kinsmen came And bore her away from me,_

_To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea._

 

_The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,_

_Went envying her and me—_

_Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,_

_In this kingdom by the sea)_

_That the wind came out of the cloud by night,_

_Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee._

Gerard felt his heart sink, remembering how the poem went and why he was so transfixed with it all those years ago. It explored the death of a woman – presumably the person who the speaker loved. He’d always found it tragically beautiful, and never failed to bring a tear to his eye. He looked up from the writing and caught the eye of the employee who was looking directly at him, a sympathetic smile on her lips.

_But our love it was stronger by far than the love_

_Of those who were older than we—_

_Of many far wiser than we—_

_And neither the angels in Heaven above_

_Nor the demons down under the sea_

_Can ever dissever my soul from the soul_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side_

_Of my darling—my darling—my_ life _and my bride,_

_In her sepulchre there by the sea—_

_In her tomb by the sounding sea._

He felt stupid allowing the tears to roll from his eyes, but he didn’t bother wiping them away quickly.

There was no point; it was only himself, the barista and one other person who was too busy reading a book while nibbling on a pastry.

His coffee had cooled down enough that he could finish it in one. He’d been out for too long, and it was nearly 10PM. Mikey would be furious, or sick with worry, if he didn’t get back soon. He stood up from the chair. The sensation of blood rushing back into his legs gave them a slight tingling feeling. He kept still for a couple of seconds, not fully trusting his legs to hold up. Once he tingling had gone, he reached down and took the mug in his hand. He walked towards the front and placed it on the surface.

He sorted out how much he needed to pay and refused to accept it for free, knowing that they needed all the money they could get. He gave the barista a large tip, telling her that she deserved it, and promised to come back as soon as he could.

Just as he reached the exit, she called after him, “I hope you’re okay.” Gerard gave her a weak smile, knowing he looked a mess: dark circles under his eyes, ill-fitting clothes – the lot. It would only make sense that people would worry.

***

When he reached his door, the overwhelming smell of fake lemon and bleach hit him. He chuckled to himself; Mikey had clearly gone to the extremes to clean out his apartment. The gesture was sweet, although a little weird, but he appreciated it nevertheless.

He pushed the door open and stood in the entrance, admiring the work his brother had managed to do. As a child, neither of them had been too keen on tidying up. Their rooms had always been a mess, despite their mother nagging them to organize them, or at least to pick things up so the floor was visible. As many times as Donna begged, it never happened.

Gerard walked into his home and kicked off his shoes, placing them somewhere near the door. He couldn’t see Mikey, but he knew he was still somewhere in the confined space. He walked into the living room and looked through the archway into the kitchen. It looked immaculate. All the dishes were washed and neatly put away, the trash can was empty, and the surfaces had been properly clean. Gerard guessed that the place hadn’t been this clean when he bought it.

Sighing to himself, he sat down on the couch. He was used to brushing off empty packets of food and beer cans, so it came as a nice surprise when he could just rest his legs on the arm of the seat. He kept on gazing around his living room in awe, and wondered how his brother had managed to organise the mess that he left behind only a few hours before. Domestic life had really changed him, and Gerard laughed to himself.

He stayed on the sofa, breathing in the weird chemical smell that polluted the air. It wasn’t unpleasant, it was just different, and he could get used to it. Eventually.

The familiar click of the door brought him back to reality. He looked towards the entrance and saw Mikey walking in with an empty bag. Gerard raised an eyebrow, expecting an explanation.

“Throwing all the alcohol away,” he clarified, putting the bag into the closest trashcan. “You hid it all really well, didn’t you?” Gerard shrugged, not wanting to feel proud of what he used to do. “It took me a while to find it all, but I should’ve got it all.”

Mikey huffed and rolled it eyes. “’Nothing to be proud about, but it’s gone. All of it.” Gerard made a face of slight disgust mixed with horror. “What? You want to get better, right? Well, this is the first step.”

“I know,” Gerard replied and put his feet on the floor, making room for his brother. He gestured towards the space, Mikey silently sat next to him and smiled. He placed a supportive hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“You’ll be fine,” he said, encouragingly.

Gerard nodded. “Thanks for all of this. You didn’t have to. It – it means a lot to me, honestly.”

“It’s nothing. We’re brothers and that’s what we do – help each other.”

A comfortable silence followed Mikey’s statement. They sat next to one another, enjoying the company of another person next to them. It had been a while since Gerard had lived with anyone else. Once his roommate moved out, he didn’t bother looking for another one. He preferred to have the extra space and the spare room. He’d planned on turning the empty room into an art studio – if the landlord would allow it. Whenever he set it up, he could start to draw again and finally get out of the job he hated.

“Oh!” Mikey spoke up, breaking the silence. He got up from the seat and walked towards the hallway. Gerard heard the sound of the door to the spare room opening, and a rustle of fabric. Moments later, he heard footsteps coming back into the room where he was still sitting. He looked up at his brother, and then looked at the leaflets in his hands.

“Leaflets,” he said, stating the obvious and placed them down next to Gerard. He resumed his space beside his brother and watched as he read over the cover page.

“Alcoholics Anonymous,” Gerard read aloud. “Seriously?” Mikey nodded with a serious expression on his face. “When did you get there?”

“On the way here,” Mikey replied. “I signed you up. You start on Monday. You’re welcome.”

Gerard stayed silent, not certain if his brother was joking or not. It all seemed surreal. Everything was happening too fast. He only mentioned it six hours previously.

“You’re not joking, are you?” he asked, and opened the booklet.

“Nope,” his brother replied, a small smile spreading across his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update! I had writers block and then things happened, but I'm back now.
> 
> I'm not a massive poetry fan, but I love Annabel Lee a lot, and wanted to put it in here. I don't own the poem - it all belongs to the rightful poet.  
> xo


	4. Chapter 3

“This is fucking stupid,” were the first words out of Gerard’s mouth as he looked up at the building before them. The building in front of them was just your typical town hall: large double doors lead into a small foyer, and then into a long room with chairs stacked up against the side.

“It’s not stupid. You said you’d try it, remember? It’ll be fine,” Mikey said as he pushed his brother towards to wooden doors. “Everyone’s in the same situation as you are, they’ll understand.”

Gerard scoffed at his brother’s attempts at reasoning with him. He firmly placed his feet on the ground, making it harder to be pushed towards the counselling session inside. He didn’t care if he was late. The counselling was free – he wasn’t wasting his money, only his time.

“You make me sound like an alcoholic,” Gerard argued which received a laugh of disbelief from Mikey.

“Do you hear yourself speak? That’s exactly what you are, Gerard. I can’t sugar-coat it for you because you need to see what you’re doing to yourself. It’s killing you. You’ve already gone a few days without drinking, so you _can_ do it, but you still need the help.” Gerard sighed at his brother’s reasoning, but knew it was true. “Go on, then. I’ll meet you out here in an hour.”

Gerard watched his brother walk down the street, knowing he only had one option: to enter the building.

At the best of times he didn’t like meeting new people or going into new surroundings, but this time was even worse. He’d have to walk in there, his head held high, and pick somewhere to sit in the circle of chairs placed in the centre of the empty room. Next, the person leading the group would go around the circle and ask for names and other irrelevant information which Gerard didn’t care about. He didn’t care about someone called Margret, who was fifty-three and drank herself to sleep every night, or some high end business man who’s life didn’t go to plan. If he didn’t care for himself, why should he care for anyone else?

Still stood outside the building, he started to regret even bringing it up to Mikey. He knew that he’d take it to heart and pull out every trick to get Gerard into the goddamn session. It wasn’t fair, he was the oldest and shouldn’t be bossed around by his younger sibling, but nothing was ever ordinary for them.

A young woman came from behind the door and raised an eyebrow at Gerard. He probably looked weird standing outside an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and not making any attempt to go in.

“Are you alright out there?” the woman called from the doorway, tilting her head to the side a little.

“Y-yeah,” Gerard stuttered. “I was just about to come in now.” The woman nodded and stepped aside, leaving a big enough space for Gerard to walk through. He took the remaining steps up to the entrance and took a deep breath.

“I’m guessing you’re here for the...meeting,” the woman asked in a low voice. It sounded suspicious to him, and more like the ‘meeting’ being some kind of code for drug dealing, but then again, not many people would have wanted their alcoholism shouted from the rooftops.

Gerard guessed the person in front of him was one of the councillors. She had the look: middle-aged, brown hair which was cut into a neat bob, and a warm smile – albeit it, looking slightly strained and fake by now.

“Okay then, if you’d like to follow me,” she smiled and strolled towards the doors leading into the main part of the town hall. He obeyed, following the path of the woman in front of him, still unsure what he was about to get in to.

The room they entered was everything Gerard had expected. There were stacks of chairs up against the walls, and six of them were in a small circle at the far end of the hall. The only thing he hadn’t expected was how cold it was going to be. He shivered and the person leading him towards to seats gave an apologetic smile and talked about how the heating had broken only a few days prior.

Once they reached the area where the meeting was being held, Gerard took one of the empty seats. No one had arrived yet, meaning he got to pick whichever. Usually, he would’ve chosen the one furthers from anyone, but not wanting to be rude, he sat two seats from the woman.

“People will be arriving soon – you were the first one here,” she explained as if Gerard hadn’t figured that one out himself. “I’m Kimberly, but you can call me Kim.” She reached over and gave him a hand to shake. He took her hand in his, shaking it politely and tried his best to smile.

“I’m Gerard,” he said, laughing uncomfortably at the way he sounded like a person introducing himself in front of the class.

“Gerard,” she echoed. “I’ve never heard that one before.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s not too common.” The woman – Kim – opened her mouth to reply, but the sound of the door opening and the cold wind rushing into the room, stopped her in her tracks.

She beckoned the small group of people towards them. Gerard turned his head to get a better look at the new arrivals, and wasn’t at all shocked at the types of people he saw. Most of them were between thirty and middle age, all dead in the eyes, and some with beer bellies that hung over the waistline of their jeans.

The overwhelming stench of stale alcohol and sweat hit Gerard’s nostrils, making him scrunch up his nose in slight disgust. In his head, he reassured himself that he was never like that. He’d never allowed himself to get that bad. Besides, he was the one who was a few days sober – more than any of the people in the room had seen in a long time.

But, as hard as he tried to convince himself, he was very similar to the people around him. If Mikey hadn’t come over and forced him out, he would’ve been at home and slowly drinking everything around him without a care in the world.

He heard the chair next to him scrape across the hard wooden floor and looked at the person who was now going to share his personal space for the next fifty-five minutes. The person beside Gerard was only a few years younger him, but managed to look decades older. He had soulless eyes which were only made to look worse with the dark circles on his paper white skin underneath them. Gerard guessed that a drug addiction was also a blame for his appearance, but he couldn’t get over the fact that the man’s clothes draped over his thin frame, making him look even sicker. The man seemed to stare off into space – not focusing on anything in the room, just lost in his own thoughts. Gerard kept an eye on his new AA friend as the other people took their seats. His basic human instinct kicked in, and he had an overpowering urge to ask if he was okay, if he needed help or anyone to talk to. There was no easy way to start a conversation in this setting.

Stupid pickup lines flooded Gerard’s head. He knew ‘do you come here often?’ wasn’t appropriate nor was ‘how are you today?’ He had to sit in silence and wait for everyone to settle before Kim started off the meeting.

“So,” Kim piped up in an overly cheery voice. “As you can see, we have some new faces here. Like usual, I’d like you all to introduce yourselves. We’ll go anti-clockwise,” she said, looking towards a young woman with blonde hair.

Gerard groaned in disgust at the cliché opening. It was like every TV show he’d seen when the main character went to anywhere like that. Somehow he had thought it would have been different for a real life situation, but obviously not.

The woman started to introduce herself. Gerard found out that her name was Shelby and she was originally from California, but moved to New York when she heard that her father was gravely ill in hospital. He blanked out for a bit, not caring how she’d found herself in a dependent situation with alcohol. He didn’t want to hear it.

The introductions moved along the circle of people, but Gerard didn’t bother listening to the rest. They were all the same to him, nothing was worth remembering. Eventually, they reached the man sitting next to him. Gerard raised his head a little – not a lot to bring it to anyone’s attention, but just enough to catch what the man was saying.

“My name’s Benjamin, but everyone calls me Ben,” he said in a rough voice. The group replied with a variation of ‘hello Ben’s.

Ben flicked some of his hair out of his eyes and continued. “I started to drink when I was thirteen. All my friends were older than me; I wanted to prove that I was mature enough, too. They seemed like nice people, but my mom always warned me about them. She said they were no good.” He laughed bitterly to himself, recalling the memories of his childhood. “She told me to stay away from them, get friends my own age, but I didn’t listen to her. One thing lead to the next and alcohol didn’t seem rebellious to them anymore. They moved on to drugs. At first it was weed – nothing too major. They offered me some, and I took it. They all laughed as i coughed on the smoke it produced, but kept with it. One of their brother’s was a dealer, so he brought us some cocaine – but that’s a different story all together.”

Kim hummed and sent him a supportive look. “Peer pressure has a large influence on how we all end up. It’s a natural thing, and having older friends at the time must’ve only added to it.” The group nodded simultaneously. “Would you like to share why you’re here today?” she asked kindly.

“When I was around seventeen, my mom killed herself,” he said bluntly, ignoring the shocked gasps from a handful of the people around him. “She said she loved me and sent me off to school. No one knew she was planning anything – she’d always seemed perfectly fine to everyone. It was just a shock, I guess.”

Kim was writing notes on a pad she had out in front of her. “You started to drink to deal with the grief?” she asked. Ben nodded, not wanting to contribute to the conversation anymore.

There was a small lull in conversation when everyone tried to gather their thoughts again. Sensing it, Kim looked up at the man and smiled at him. “Thank you for sharing that very personal story with us, Ben. It was brave of you to say.” A small murmur echoed around the meeting and a handful of people nodding in agreement with the councillor.

She cleared her throat and looked in Gerard’s direction, giving him an encouraging nod.

He groaned internally, knowing he couldn’t stay quiet forever.

“My name’s Gerard and I started to drink because someone I loved abandoned me when I was around seventeen or eighteen.” He cringed at how stupid and immature his reason was. It wasn’t like Frank had died – or he hadn’t to his knowledge. He reminded himself of a teenager who was angry because a person they liked wouldn’t return their messages or call back.

“And my life didn’t go how I planned. Getting drunk every night seemed like a better idea than taking pills,” he said kind of defensively, as if his initial reason didn’t seem worthy of him being there.

“Pills for what?” someone asked from a few chairs down.

Gerard sighed and rolled his eyes, not really wanting to discuss other topics. “Depression,” he said simply.

“So, wait,” the person started again. “You started to drink because your girlfriend or whatever left you, and you couldn’t be bothered taking your medication? Isn’t that selfish? Ben’s mother killed-“ she was quickly cut off by Kim walking around to where she was sat and whispering something in her ear.

“It’s bullshit, though!” the woman exclaimed, sending death glares in Gerard’s direction.

He’d had enough of the woman who he didn’t bother catching the name of. Before he knew it, he was standing up and walking towards to exist, ignoring the people behind him calling out his name. He stormed out of the door and slammed it against the wall – for the effect, of course.

Still pissed off, he rushed outside and sat on the small wall separating the sidewalk from the small grassy area outside the hall. He kicked his legs back and forth, making sure his heels hit the stone with some force. He knew he still had over fifteen minutes to wait before Mikey came back, and it was getting colder, but he gritted his teeth and stayed put. The last place he wanted to be was stuck in the cold room with a bunch of ignorant shits.

The wind ruffled his hair and he wrapped his arms around himself in a vain attempt to keep some of his body heat in.

He started to kick his feet quicker, trying to keep the blood circulating and to heat himself up. Even though it hurt the back of his feet when they collided with the wall, he managed to get into a rhythm, allowing himself to zone out for a couple of minutes.

Gerard looked off into the distance, not focusing on anything, until his foot came into contact with something. He looked up and quickly saw that the _something_ he accidently was a _someone_. Flustered and embarrassed, he tried to come up with an apology worthy of his seemingly random act of violence.

“Wow, shit. Sorry, man,” the person said in a shocked voice. “I didn’t mean to walk into you like that.”

Gerard awkwardly laughed and shook his head. He ducked his head to try and avoid eye contact with the stranger. “It’s fine. I wasn’t paying attention – it’s my fault.”

The man was silent for a couple of seconds, which Gerard found rather odd. He looked up at the person stood in front of him and made eye contact with the person who left him ten years ago.

“Frank?” Gerard squeaked, his voice breaking mid-word.

A flash of panic and fear streaked across Frank’s eyes. “Um,” he managed to say before turning on his heels and quickly walking off in the opposite direction, not letting either of them say anything else.


	5. Chapter 4

Mikey sat on the couch in silence as his brother tried to explain how he’d made extremely awkward eye contact with someone who once loved him. Between the stuttering words and gasping sobs, Gerard managed to retell the story to the best of his ability.

He moved closer to his brother and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Gerard pushed into the touch with a sigh. Mikey shook his head sadly at how the man next to him was crying uncontrollably – whatever happened must’ve been more than he was letting on.

“Come on, Gerard. There must have been something else than what you’re telling me. You haven’t told me about what happened at the meeting. Did it help?”

Gerard didn’t reply but positioned himself so his head was resting on his brother’s shoulder. Although he’d stopped the sound of his crying, Mikey could feel him shaking next to him – hiding his distress. Mikey started to rub small circle on his older brother’s back and murmuring words of encouragement. Every time he felt like he was getting somewhere, Gerard refused to speak and just clung tighter onto his brother.

No one said anything for a while; the only sound that broke the silence was the occasional deep breath from Gerard.

Eventually, Gerard sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He gave Mikey a weak smile, which no one would buy. He opened his mouth to ask if he was okay, but Gerard spoke before he could get any words out.

“I’m fine, Mikes. Some people there said some shitty things to me. I feel like a child crying over it. I know I should be over that part of my life and toughen up, but...” he sighed. “I guess bumping into him like that shocked me?”

Mikey nodded and tried to show some support. They resumed their silence as he thought of a plan. Sending Gerard off to the AA meetings was hard enough, but after that day it would be impossible. He had to think of something else – another plan. Anything to help his brother. He’d considered sending him off to rehab, but the funds were too high for anyone earning a modest wage.

Suddenly an idea hit him.

“What about one-on-one meetings?” he suggested.

Gerard looked at his brother, not liking where it was going. He was forced into therapy sessions when he was a teenager, and didn’t get anything out of it. He didn’t see the point of spilling out his emotions to a complete stranger as they wrote it down and pretended to give a shit. Every therapist seemed to have a script which they recited to everyone: ‘how does that make you feel?’, ‘have you tried any of the techniques I suggested?’ and so on. It seemed like a waste of time for both people.

“You know how I feel about all of that, Mikey. It’s a-“

“No,” Mikey interrupted him. “When you went to therapy you were young – fifteen, maybe sixteen – but now you’re older, you’ll get more out of it. You won’t have to sit in a room full of strangers. I don’t know what they said to you – and if I’m honest, I don’t want to know. But I could ask the people who took the meeting today, I’m sure she’d be fine with it.”

Gerard shrugged, not being too happy with his brother’s proposal. He didn’t want to use up anyone’s time – he didn’t feel like it was worth the bother. Kim had signed up for group counselling sessions, not one-on-one meetings. He didn’t know if she even offered them.

“I’m going to call them as ask. Stay there,” he told Gerard as he got off the sofa and made his way towards the phone.

Gerard grumbled something under his breath, but did was he was told and stayed still. It wasn’t like he had anywhere else to go. Ever since he and his mother fell out years ago, the only person he talked to was his brother. It wasn’t like he was lonely – he never liked talking to people. He thought he was fine how he was, drinking himself to death. He believed that no one cared enough, and successfully blocked out the worried voicemails from his brother. If he hadn’t snapped, he would probably be drowning himself in alcohol at that very moment.

He sighed to himself. It was probably for the best that he was at least trying to get better. He’d been told that the success rate of people becoming totally sober on their first try was fairly low, but Mikey had decided to put dedicate himself to it.

It didn’t take long until Mikey was back in the room with a smile on his face. Gerard knew what the response would be before his brother told him.

“She doesn’t usually do those kinds of things, but I explained everything to her and she said she’d do it. You’re going there every Monday, alright?” Gerard sighed and rolled his eyes at his brother’s enthusiasm.

He sat back down next to Gerard, a broad smile still on his face. Gerard cocked an eyebrow at him, waiting for the other news he was so clearly keeping to himself.

“What else have you done?” he asked, but didn’t get a response. “Mikey, seriously. What have you planned now?”

“You mentioned you kicked Frank – by accident, of course. But now we know he’s in New York, right?” Gerard felt dread flood his veins, but still nodded. “I was thinking you two could meet up and catch up.”

Although he saw it coming, Gerard still managed to choke on air and started to cough. He shook his head quickly before his brother could come up with any other suggestions.

“It would be good for you!” He insisted.

“No it wouldn’t. He _left_ me. It’s been ten years. If he wanted to catch up, he would’ve done it by now.” Gerard stood up and started to make his way towards his bedroom.

“All you do it mope around and say how much you miss him!” Mikey argued. “That’s _all_ you do. Maybe if you saw him again, you could get answers or whatever you want. Fucking hell, Gerard, I thought you’d be a bit more eager than this.”

Gerard whipped around and faced his brother. “What don’t you understand?” he shouted. “He left me. He didn’t show up to my graduation, and he didn’t even _tell_ me about his. You think I believe the whole ‘it was lost in the post’ bullshit? Do you?!”

“It could go well. You’ll never know if you don’t try, Gee!”

Gerard took a deep breath; knowing arguing with the only person who still talked to him wasn’t a good idea. “I’ve had a shit day, okay? I don’t need this now. Ask me later. Maybe I’ll agree to it, who knows.”

Seconds later Mikey heard the sound of a door slamming shut. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Perhaps it wasn’t the best time to have brought it up.

***

Frank burst through the doors of the bar he visited the most. He was greeted with shouts from the local drunks and lost souls. He scanned the smoke filled room before he saw an empty table. He made a beeline to it, and sat down on the wooden stool.

He wasn’t a hopeless alcoholic like the people surrounding him. He’d had his fair share of waking up in a stranger’s bed after a night of heavy drinking. He didn’t see the fun with having a headache in the morning, or throwing up your guts the night before.

He was sensible – he knew if he wanted to keep his job as a semi-successful journalist, he needed to be sober and keep on top of the piles of work that were waiting at home for him.

His success came easy from him, but getting the job itself was the hardest part.

During his time in college, he decided to get more tattoos. He started off small and increased the size from there. Many of them had been from drunken nights out with his friends. At the time, they’d been funny, and he didn’t see them as an obstacle to his job. One time, he and a group of friends all went out and got tattoos somewhere stupid. Most of them had decided to get them on their hands, stomachs and feet, but Frank went one step further and got a black scorpion tattooed on the side of his neck. It hurt like a bitch, but once the tattoo artist had finished and gave him a mirror to see it; Frank couldn’t wipe the smile off his face for weeks.

When he graduated from college, his fellow classmates had offers thrown at them from every direction. Everyone wanted to employ them and give them secure jobs, unlike Frank. He sifted through job offers and applied to every opening. All of the potential employers gave him an interview, impressed by his qualifications. He believed his interviews went well and was always sent away with a ‘we’ll call you back’, but never received one. He quickly realised what ‘we’ll call you back’ was a polite way of telling him that he wasn’t going to get a job there.

He jumped between one-off jobs – anything that would get him enough money to keep himself independent.

His first job was at a bookstore. It was small and not much happened, but the boss was young – perhaps in his thirties, and took an instantly liking to Frank. He told Frank that they’d usually do an interview; he could tell that he would be a good employee. Frank didn’t want to be pitied, but he didn’t want to pass up an opportunity for money.

He and his boss – who he later found out was called Dan – spent a lot of time together when the store wasn’t busy. It turned out that they shared a lot of the same interests, and Gerard was quickly pushed to the back of Frank’s mind. He felt some kind of guilt when he didn’t invite any of his adoptive family to his graduation, but he’d been told to leave them behind. Start afresh, some say.

Dan started to ask more personal questions – the kind of questions that friends would ask one another, not a boss and employee. Eventually, he asked if Frank would like to go for a drink one evening. He happily agreed. He was still new to the area and didn’t have a large social circle like before. He saw it as a good thing – it would expand his friendship groups and allow him to meet a more diverse people.

As it turned out, it was only himself and Dan at the rather posh restaurant. Frank knew he was underdressed for it, but he expected them to meet up at a cafe. It quickly dawned on Frank that he was in fact of a date with Dan rather than a friendly lunch out. Before Frank could back out, Dan was waving him over to the table he’d chosen.

Dan complimented him and gave him a fond smile when he reached the table. Not knowing how to react, Frank shrugged, but Dan just laughed at his date’s profuse blushing.

To Frank’s relief, the surprise date went well. The conversation flowed, as well as the alcohol, and before they knew it they were both stumbling out of the restaurant. Both of them giggled as they wobbled up the street and towards Dan’s house.

This hadn’t been part of Frank’s plan. He only thought he’d spent a couple of hours with him and then return home, but they were quickly thrown out of the window.

The rest of that day blurred for Frank. He couldn’t pinpoint exact moments in it, but he a distant memory of pushing Dan up against a wall, making out with him until both their lips were bruised and loud moans and sighs of pleasure.

Their first date hadn’t been the most conventional, but somehow it seemed to have done the trick, as seven years later they were still going strong. Or at least that’s what Frank wanted to believe.

He’d managed to live in New York for years without even a sight of Gerard, so he fully expected that the man had moved to somewhere else. He’d managed to live if life without the constant fear of bumping into anyone from his other life, which he’d managed to keep a secret. No one, not even Dan, knew about his past, and no one needed to know.

Frank knew that Gerard had left college with the best degree possible, and thought that he would have been out somewhere in Paris showing off his talent to adoring fans. What he didn’t expect was to see him sat outside an AA meeting place, with dead eyes. He thought he would have done something with his life; not nearly drink himself to death...

“Frankie,” someone called from across the bar. He looked up and smiled when he saw his boyfriend making his way through the crowds of people. He quickly pushed past them, apologising as he accidently stood on one person’s toes.

“I knew you’d be here,” he said, brushing his blond hair from his eyes. “You’re not drunk, are you?”

Frank laughed and shook his head, gesturing to the bottle-less table.

“Good. Someone phone and they asked for you. It’s important, apparently.” He offered his hand and Frank took it, lacing their fingers together and giving them a quick squeeze.

“I wonder who it could be. Did they mention a name or anything?” Frank asked.

“Nope. But hurry up, I’ve left them on hold,” Dan told him. He rolled his eyes at his boyfriend’s persistence, but kiss him on the cheek and followed him out of the dimly lit bar and into the bright sunlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank's lack of a stutter isn't me forgetting about it. It'll be explained in later chapters xo
> 
> PS: updates will be slower than usual because I have to balance this with school work.


	6. Chapter 5

An hour or so later, Gerard pushed open the door into his home. He kicked off is shoes and dropped his coat onto the floor, knowing the untidiness of it all would annoy his brother. Yes, it was an immature thing to do considering he was a fully grown adult, but there was still a small amount of joy he received from irritating Mikey.

He shouted his brother’s name, not bothering to look for his first, and followed his voice into the living room. Mikey was still sat on the couch, his legs crossed, and with a wide grin on his face. Gerard sighed, not wanting – or caring – to know what his brother had done whilst he was out, greeted him with a small wave and sat down next to him.

Mikey, who was still smiling, although trying to hide it, started to question where Gerard had gone. He’d only walked a few blocks to the park and sat down on the bench, but Mikey didn’t believe him.

“It took you over an hour to get to the park and sit down for a bit?” he asked in an unconvinced tone. Gerard shrugged, unwilling to tell everything to his brother. When Mikey kept on questioning him, he rolled his eyes and muttered something about heading down to the lake for a while. It had always been his favourite place to visit, especially when he was angry or lacked imagination for his art. There was something about the stillness of the water that always managed to calm him down.

“So, what’s made you this happy, then? Why are you so smiley? I thought you’d be miserable since you have to be stuck with me instead of the love of your life,” he mocked.

“You know she’s fine with it, and how can I be miserable when I’m with you? We haven’t properly seen each other in months, Gerard. _Months_.”

“I’m a shitty brother and son, I get it,” Gerard responded.

Mikey hushed him before continuing. “I took the opportunity when you were out to find Frank’s number and see if it was okay if you two caught up. I’m sure a lot of things have happened over the last decade. It’ll be interesting, and then, maybe, you’d stop moping around like a lovesick teenager.”

Gerard stared at his brother in complete silence. He couldn’t tell whether he was joking and he’d thought it all up as some revenge scheme. He felt his heart rate pick up, and before he knew it he was muttering a string of curses and ‘no’s under his breath.

“You aren’t serious, are you?” he asked with an airy laugh. When Mikey nodded, Gerard felt all the colour drain from his face.

He couldn’t deny that he’d been fanaticising about seeing Frank again. In his head, he imagined it to be like something you’d see of some cliché chick flick. It would be around Christmas, snow falling from grey clouds above as they ran to each other. There would have been some Christmas carollers, all wrapped up in warm festive sweaters, singing about joy to the world and happiness. In his fantasy, there would’ve been a horse drawn carriage to take them around Central Park. It was so farfetched and romanticised, that he knew that it would never happen. If anything, he didn’t think he’d ever see Frank again. He fully expected him to be off somewhere travelling in Europe following his dreams as a successful poet or something, not still stuck around in America.

Gerard blinked and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes. “There’s no way you could’ve found him. It’s not possible. Even if you remembered his old number, probably doesn’t have the same one anymore, anyway.”

Mikey let out a snort of laughter. “It’s not that hard to find someone called Frank Iero in New York, is it? It’s not the most common name in the world.” He had a point, Gerard admitted to himself, but he still didn’t want to think that he hadn’t thought of that idea before.

“What did he say?” he asked, dreading the response.

His brother didn’t speak for a few seconds, only filling Gerard with more fear. “Frank wasn’t there when I called, so some guy called Dan picked up.”

“Dan?” Gerard asked meekly. He knew it was stupid for him to think that Frank had stayed single for all those years. He wanted him to be happy, but to be happy with _him_ and not some random guy. He knew it was selfish, and he’d been in and out of relationships throughout the years, but no one stayed for more than a handful of months. They always ended up arguing. Gerard didn’t care.

Mikey shrugged and gave his brother a supportive smile. “He’s probably no one, don’t worry. But he went out to get Frank and we agreed that both of you could meet up at that coffee place at midday tomorrow.”

Tomorrow was too soon, Gerard thought to himself. He tried to think of an acceptable lie to tell his brother, but he couldn’t say he had other plans because they both knew he didn’t, and he couldn’t say he had to go to work as they’d given his a couple of weeks off to start his recovery.

“You can’t lie to me, Gee. I know you. Plus, you’re a terrible lair,” Mikey smiled.

“I’m – I’m going to lie down. I don’t feel too good,” Gerard told his brother before quickly existing the living room.

***

It was early in the evening and Frank was slouching on the cough, flicking through TV channels. Dan was in the kitchen, trying to make them something for dinner. Between the sound of metal pans hitting the floor, loud swearing, and the sound of his boyfriend humming to himself, Frank managed to listen to the random chat show that was on in the background.

They were talking to a woman who’d been cheated on by her husband. It was all the same to him: the wife goes out to work, unfaithful husband fucks another woman in their bed, and he pretends it didn’t happen. Neither of the women knows they’re being cheated on until the wife starts to question it, and then everything comes out. And then there was a lot of yelling and fighting – nothing interesting.

He kept it on as background noise and looked up at the ceiling, going over the conversation he had with Mikey hours before. When he lived with the Ways’, he’d never spoken to Gerard’s younger brother that much. He was going through the phase every fifteen year old went through – ignoring everyone. It was weird to hear him speak. He remembered the higher pitched voice, not the voice he heard coming down the phone. He imagined he was no longer the awkward teenager, and probably in his mid-twenties by now. Shit.

“Dinner is served,” Dan announced as he walked into the room were Frank was. He set down two bowls of pasta on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Just as he sat down next to his boyfriend, he sighed and stood up again.

“What?” Frank asked, looking up at his boyfriend with a confused expression.

“I forgot the forks,” he laughed at himself, and walked into the kitchen for the second time.

Frank sat up straight and positioned the cushions behind him to make it more comfortable. Over the years, they’d managed to collect a vast amount of pillows and throw cushions to decorate the seats, and none of them had any use. He’d tried to convince Dan to get rid of them, but nothing seemed to get through to him. He was always responded to with, ‘they make it look more interesting. They’re staying.’

He managed to push a number of the decorative pillows onto the floor, and gave himself enough room to sit on the couch with one leg under the other.

Dan re-entered the room, cutlery in hand, slumped down next to Frank.

“I see you put a lot of effort into our meal,” Frank commented sarcastically, pointing at the pile of pasta in the bowl with his fork.

“Shut up. You couldn’t do much better,” he laughed at his partner’s remark. Frank scoffed, but started to eat the rapidly cooling food.

In the background, the chat show host was shouting over the couple. Frank looked up at the screen and studied the man being held back by two muscular security guards.

Frank stopped eating and turned his attention from the TV screen to Dan. “You wouldn’t cheat on me, you would?”

Dan choked on his food, and started to cough uncontrollably. “What?”

“You wouldn’t fuck another man when we’re still together, or start dating someone else,” Frank shrugged.

“No, of course not. Why are you asking? Is it because of that phone call you got earlier?” he asked, looking concerned.

“No, no. I was just wonder, that’s all. It doesn’t matter,” Frank said quickly, trying to change the conversation. He didn’t want to talk to Dan about it. He didn’t know how he’d react. There wasn’t a straightforward way to tell your boyfriend that you were going to meet up with an ex from ten years ago.

Dan raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “Who wanted to talk to you? He seemed pretty desperate. Should _I_ be the one asking you about cheating?” he laughed.

Frank swore to himself. He couldn’t avoid it now. He hadn’t told anyone of his past life, not even Dan. He tried his best to forget about it. They didn’t need to know about his asshole parents, his foster family and his foster brother who he fell in love with. It wasn’t any of their business, and he knew he’d only be pitied for it.

“Um, he was just a brother of an old friend of mine. We haven’t talked since I left for college,” he confessed, not making eye contact with his boyfriend.

“Shit, Frank. That’s what? Over ten years now? Why did you two stop talking? Did you fall out?” Dan crossed his legs and turned to face him.

“Sure,” Frank lied. He rather not tell him the whole truth. He didn’t want to give out secrets from years ago. He knew that Dan wouldn’t judge him, but he couldn’t take the risk.

“We’ve been dating for just over seven years, and you hardly talk about your childhood. Why are you so mysterious, Mr. Iero?” he laughed, tickling Frank’s ribs.

“Don’t,” Frank giggled, pushing his boyfriend away from him. “You know I’m ticklish there, you asshole.”

“Tell me about this friend of yours. What’s his name?” he prompted. “Otherwise, I’ll tickle you again.”

Frank sighed, knowing there wasn’t any way around it. “His name’s Gerard. We went to the same school and he happened to be my roommate at the time. He was nice, and other people didn’t seem to like me. I guess we were both socially awkward teenagers, so we clicked.”

“Roommate, you say? You went to a boarding school? You never seemed like the type.”

“It was a Catholic school.” Dan laughed disbelievingly. “I know, it’s strange looking back at it.”

“You, Frank Iero, went to a Catholic boarding school during your teenage years? How was it to be surrounded by homophobes, but passing it off as fine because it was down to their ‘beliefs’?”

Frank closed his eyes and shook his head. “Only Gerard and this person called Ray knew about that.”

He heard Dan take a sharp intake of breath. He knew how he was. Dan believed that no one should hide who they were, no matter what people thought about it. Frank saw what he was saying, and he definitely did it now. But at seventeen in a fully religious school with close-minded students and teachers probably wasn’t the best place to do so. The people there didn’t need any more reasons to bully the baby-faced teenage boy with a stutter. If any of them found out he was gay, he would’ve been murdered.

“I didn’t have the whole ‘fuck the world’ attitude at that age. I was really shy,” Frank laughed awkwardly.

“Aw, shy little Frankie. How cute,” his boyfriend cooed. Frank blushed and playfully punched his shoulder.

“Before you start mocking me again, I’ll go and put these in the skin. Meanwhile, you pick a movie. It’s been a long day.” Frank got up from the couch and collected the bowls from the small table. As he walked around the back of the seat, he ruffled Dan’s hair, knowing how much he hated it. Despite the annoyed groan that followed his actions, Frank laughed at the other man flipping him off.

***

The sun had set hours previously, and Frank was lying across Dan’s lap, allowing him to play with his hair. There was something comforting when he felt someone else’s fingers gently run through his hair. It reminded him of the many times Gerard used to do it whenever he panicking, but Dan didn’t need to know that.

They had just finished watching a Christmas film that was playing on one of the channels. Frank had seen it before and pretended to be interested as Dan planned out their Christmas. Frank had never been a massive fan of the season, claiming that Halloween was far better, but his boyfriend disagreed. In the early stages of their relationship, Frank had pretended to enjoy the songs, decorations and food. Since he was vegan, the range of food offered to him was limited beyond belief. Dan had tried to convince him to eat turkey one year, telling him some bullshit lies that it was killed nicely, but Frank didn’t want to hear it.

Most Christmas’ they ate separately, but they made it work.

“You know I hate Christmas,” Frank groaned for the hundredth time as the other man started to go into greater detail about the day itself.

“I know, love. But if you’re going to be with me, you have to pretend you like it, at least,” he laughed, kissing the top of Frank’s head.

Frank rubbed his eyes. “Go through the first week of Christmas, I blanked out then. Is that when we’re seeing your parents?” He heard Dan sigh, and started from the beginning again.

***

“And that’s when we both go back to work. See, it’s simple,” Dan said as he concluded his list of Christmas to-dos.

“Yeah, simple,” Frank replied, sleepily. “I need to bed. I have to meet someone tomorrow at around midday.” He sat up from his comfortable position on the sofa and stretched.

“Who are you meeting?” Dan asked; a hint of suspicion in his voice.

“Gerard – the guy I was talking about before. His brother said it was about time we caught up, and I guess it is.”

Dan nodded and stood up from the seat. He walked up behind Frank and wrapped his arms around his waist, and rested his chin on the other man’s shoulder.

“You’re not nervous at all?” he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear.

“No, not at all,” Frank replied too quickly, making it obvious that it was a lie. “But I do need to sleep, Dan. C’mon.”

He wriggled from Dan’s grip and turned to face him. Frank leaned forwards and quickly kissed him on the lips. “Goodnight,” he said; his voice not much more than a whisper.

“Night,” Dan replied, smiling sweetly at the person before him. “I’ll join you in a bit. I just need to pick up all the pillows you threw on the floor. I don’t see why you don’t like them. They make the-“ but he was cut-off, mid-rant, by the sound of footsteps walking away from him and the distant sound of Frank laughing at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started school again, so these updates might be slower than normal (hence why this took forever to be added - sorry). I'm going to aim for one update every weekend, but we'll see! xo


	7. Chapter 6

The orange light of the rising sun shone directly onto Gerard’s face and woke him up. He groaned, cursing at himself for not drawing the curtains the night before. He buried deeper under his blankets, trying to block out the sunlight, but it was no use. He pulled the covers down and rubbed his eyes, removing sleep from his them and sat up. The warm fabiric of the blankets pooled around his waist as he sat on the edge of the bed, trying to get his sense back.

He didn’t remember falling asleep or getting into his room. The last thing he remembered was arguing with Mikey and then walking away.

If anything, he was glad he didn’t remember.

Gerard stretched and decided to find his brother to apologise. He didn’t care what time it was; it was probably time to get up, anyway.

Stumbling from his bed, he felt his way towards the door. He didn’t see the point of turning on the main light as the early morning sun provided just enough light to see the larger obstacles in his way – his desk, chair, bookshelf, and so on, but didn’t make the assortments of pens and paintbrushes which littered the floor be any more obvious than an slightly darker shade of black.

Eventually, his aimless staggering managed to get him to the door. He turned the handle and walked into the dark hallway. He sighed, getting annoyed at the amount of darkness in the apartment. He felt along the wall until he felt the light switch. He flicked it on, plunging the small hallway into the fake bright light. He rubbed his eyes again as he tried to adjust to the new brightness.

Luckily, the spare room was only a few doors from Gerard’s. Originally, he bought the apartment for two, hoping he’d find someone to share it with, but he had no such luck. It was probably for the best, he couldn’t think of anything worse than sharing his personal space with a stranger; sharing with Mikey was hard enough.

The second room was also a lot smaller. You could manage to fit in a large double bed in the master room, along with a desk, wardrobe, and other necessities, whereas the spare room just managed to have a small single bed squashed in with minimal floor space left. However, Mikey didn’t seem to complain about the space.

He pushed open the door – without knocking, of course.

Mikey was curled up on single bed, snoring lightly. Gerard laughed quietly to himself, finding it funny that Mikey hadn’t grown out of the foetal position he used to sleep in when he was a child. It was sweet, Gerard thought. He walked around to edge of the bed, and poked his brother in the side until he woke up.

His brother mumbled something under his breath and turned from Gerard. He covered his head with the pillow and tried to get back to sleep. However, Gerard persisted and kept on disturbing him until he got the desired response.

Mikey groaned and pulled the blankets up around his neck, making him look even younger. He looked up at Gerard sleepily with an irritated look cross his face.

“What?” he asked, his voice still laced with sleep.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard apologised with a small shrug. When Mikey didn’t respond, and only look even more confused, he sighed. “About us fighting last night, it was stupid.”

Mikey shuffled up the bed, and rested against the headboard. He brushed his hair out of his face, and looked at Gerard with a small, concerned smile.

“You don’t remember why you went out of the room last night?” he questioned.

Gerard shook his head. Like he told himself when he woke up – it probably wasn’t important, why should he care? All he had to do was apologise and then it would be left in the past.

Mikey looked at him in disbelief. “Have you been drinking, Gee?”

“No, of course not. You threw everything out, remember? Besides, I’m coming up to a week sober, and it’s fucking hard, Mikey. Can you just tell me what we fought about because this is getting childish now,” he asked, his voice increasing in volume with irritation.

“Well, you have to meet someone at that coffee shop you went to a few days ago. He’s an old friend, you could say.”

Gerard didn’t hear the rest of what is brother was saying. He thought the plans of him and Frank meeting up was some bad dream or joke. He didn’t think it was true, and he didn’t want to believe it either. He felt unprepared and panicked. What was he going to say to him after just over a decade? What would he wear? Would it be awkward?

Millions of questions rushed around Gerard’s head until he started to feel sick. He’d always been hopeless at meeting new people, and although Frank wasn’t a new person, he knew he would’ve changed from that shy, depended teenage boy, to a fully grown man.

He couldn’t do it.

Mikey turned so his back was pressed against the wall, and patted the duvet next to him, hoping Gerard would get the message. Luckily, he did, and sat down in the space next to his brother.

Mikey turned to face him, an apologetic look on his face.

“Look. I know this’ll be scary – no one said it wouldn’t be, but you _need_ to at least see him again. So what if it doesn’t go as you’ve planned? So what if he turns out to be a complete asshole? Then you’ll know and, hopefully, move on. Not knowing was killing you, Gerard, and you knew it.” Gerard sighed and covered his face with his hands. “I don’t want to be this negative, but I’m just preparing you for the worst scenario. I’ll probably go fine, and you’ll just catch up.” He rested his hand on Gerard shoulder gently.

“Even though I was only a naive teenager at the time you two were together, it wasn’t hard to spot there was something strong between you two. I’m sure that connection is still there, no matter how deep down it is.”

 “I just want to be like you and Ellen,” Gerard cried. “You two seem so perfect together, and happy. Why don’t I deserve that, too?”

“Her name’s Ella,” he corrected his brother.  He pulled Gerard closer and wrapped his arms around him in a semi-awkward hug. “And you do deserve love and happiness. You know that. All you need to do is go and meet Frank, say how you feel, and see where it goes from there. Simple,” he said quietly.

Gerard scoffed, but didn’t respond. Both brothers sat in silence for a while as the older of the two tried to regain his composure.  

He managed to stutter out that he was going into the bathroom to shower and freshen up, knowing how important first impressions would be. Mikey gave him a small nod and a supportive smile as he slowly walked over to the door.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Mikey called after him, but Gerard just shook his head. He knew he needed to get it over and done with. And, like his brother had said, maybe it would go all to plan and nothing between them would’ve changed.

***

Frank woke up hours before his alarm, too nervous to go back to sleep. He stayed still, listening to his boyfriend snoring next to him. He looked up at the ceiling of the bedroom, trying to plan out the day ahead of him. He knew it probably wouldn’t go well. He didn’t know if the feelings Gerard had for him had died over the years, or whether he’d found someone else to love like he had with Dan. Frank prayed he had, not wanting to come clean about leaving him suddenly and finding another significant other within a few years.

He guessed that Gerard would want explanations to why he didn’t turn up to his graduation or invited his. And why he’d broken all contact without properly breaking up. He didn’t have any answers to why he did it, he just did. Looking back at his actions, they were stupid.  Immature.

He groaned to himself. Frank would have to make up some shit to try and make sure Gerard didn’t hate him anymore than he probably already did.

Frank closed his eyes and cast his mind back to when he bumped into Gerard – or rather, when Gerard accidently kicked him. He looked older, more worn and the shine in his eyes had gone. He hadn’t stayed long enough to ask if he was okay. He should’ve talked to him – make emends – anything like that. But he chickened out and ran like a child.

Dan started to rouse beside him. He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist and his boyfriend cuddle up to him.

“You’re up early,” Dan commented, his eyes still shut.

Frank shrugged, not wanting to reply. The last thing he wanted was for Dan to know what he was in any way anxious. He’d managed to build up a fearless persona, and he wanted to keep it like that, no matter how much lying needed to happen to do it.

“Early riser?” Frank suggested as he was pulled down a bit so his boyfriend could rest his head on his chest.

Dan laughed at the response he got, but didn’t press him about it. He knew Frank wasn’t an early riser, but he didn’t want to start an argument.

“So, you’re not a bit scared about reconnecting with someone you haven’t spoken to in over ten years?” Frank shook his head as confidently as he could, and Dan looked up at him. He raised an eyebrow. “Not even a little, tiny bit?”

“No,” Frank replied, bluntly. “But I should shower and get ready. Being late wouldn’t make the best first impression.” He pushed his boyfriend off his chest gently, ignoring the sad sigh made by the other man.

He grabbed an old pair of jeans and a faded Black Flag shirt that he’d had for years. He had a feeling Gerard wouldn’t turn up in a tailored suit, so he thought it was the best way to go. Frank thought he’d appreciate the effort he took in wearing one of his favourite band’s shirts, too.

It’ll be fine, he told himself multiple times as he walked towards their small en suit.

***

Once he had washed his hair more times than he had in the last month, Frank stepped out of the shower and wrapped one of the towels around his middle.  He stood in front of the steamed up mirror and tried to collect this thought.

When Mikey called him, he thought that meeting up would be a great idea. He insisted that they met the following day, saying that he couldn’t wait to catch up again. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but as the seconds went by, the more nervous he became, and the shower didn’t make him feel any better.

He looked at himself, dreading what was going to happen in less than two hours. He knew that he had to at least act like he didn’t care, or that he was excited to meet up again, but the longer he thought about it, the less enthusiastic he became. Did he even want to get back into contact with his unofficial ex?

A sharp knock at the door and Dan shouting something from the other side brought Frank back to his sense. He shut his eyes and shook his head, pushing all the doubt clean from his head. He towel dried his hair quickly, and threw on his clothes.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he saw Dan sitting on the bed, fully dressed. He eyed his boyfriend in confusion, not understanding why he was changed, knowing that he didn’t have any plans for that day.

“Are you nearly done? We need to get going. We don’t want this friend of yours waiting, do we?” he said, walking up to Frank and kissing him quickly on the lips.

“We?” Frank thought aloud.

Dan laughed, “Me and you, silly. I want to meet him.”

Frank felt his heartbeat miss a beat. He didn’t think Dan would want to go with him. It would be uncomfortable enough seeing him again, and adding a new boyfriend into the mix would only make it so much worse. He’d have to make up some excuse, and try and make it as believable as possible.

“He’s not good with new people,” he said without thinking beforehand. “Social anxiety,” he explained. He internally smiled to himself, knowing that he’d managed to come out with the truth rather than an over the top lie.

Dan nodded and tried not to look as disappointed as he felt. “I can’t argue with that,” he said with a small laugh.

“Sorry,” Frank apologised. “Maybe you could meet him another day?” He certainly hoped this never, ever happened.

The other man nodded and pulled Frank into a tight hug. He rested his chin on his shoulder and whispered, “Have a good time. I hope it goes well for you.”

Frank pulled back from the embrace and smiled. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “I should be going. I’ll be back before dinner, so cook me something nice, alright?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You treat me too well. How do I deserve you?” Frank asked sarcastically.

“I have no idea, babe,” Dan replied with a laugh. “I love you, but please go and see your friend.”

Frank flipped him off and walked towards the bedroom door.

How badly could it possibly go?

***

Gerard had changed over five times before Mikey walked into his bedroom with a sigh. There were clothes everywhere – on the floor, bed, and chair – every possible surface.  It reminded him of a bombsite. He cringed as he started to remind himself of his mother shouting at them about the state of their bedrooms. She never learned that every teenager’s room was like that – a mess.

He spotted Gerard in amongst the mess of clothes and shoes. He was lying down on the bed, face first into the pillow, with an obvious air of defeat around him.

Mikey tiptoed around the mess, not wanting to get footprint of the recently washed clothing. Gerard didn’t own many things, and clothing came under that category, but when they were thrown everywhere, it made him rethink this.

“Come on, Gerard. You need to get dressed. There’s only an hour left until you have to be there. How long have you been lying like this?”

Gerard moaned and turned to face his brother. “Dunno. Maybe half an hour.” Mikey laughed. “I feel like a teenage girl trying to find the right thing to wear on a first date,” he said, adding a mellow dramatic sigh for emphasis.

Mikey started to pick up random shirts and jeans from the floor and placing them on the bed. He managed to dig out a plain white shirt and some black jeans. He threw them in Gerard’s direction and nodded at him.

“Change. You’re going to be late,” he told his brother as he made a quick exit out of the room.

Gerard got up from the bed and looked down at the clothes his brother had picked. They weren’t too casual or too formal. He didn’t remember ever buying the white shirt, but it looked fairly new and not too creased. It would do, he thought to himself.

He kicked some of the clothes around the floor, making a clear space for him to change out of his old pyjama bottoms and hoodie.

It felt strange to be dressed in something other than baggy outfits that he’d become accustomed to over the last few weeks. He could get used to it.

Gerard pulled the hem on the shirt down, getting rid of any other wrinkles in the fabric, and the slipped into his jeans. He brushed them down with the back of his hand to try and remove some of the fluff which was imbedded onto the black material. Overall, he could’ve looked worse, and silently thanked his brother for having a better eye for things that matched than him.

Once he was more or less happy with how he looked, he strolled towards the hallway and towards the bathroom. He knew he had to attempt to sort out his black matted hair at some point. Gerard ran his fingers through his hair a little; stopping with it became too tangled and hurt.

When he made it into the living room, he saw Mikey sitting cross-legged on the sofa, awaiting his brother’s entrance. He looked up at him with a warm smile and gestured to the seat next to him. Gerard rolled his eyes and smiled back, taking the empty space.

“You need to do something with your hair. It’s a mess,” was the first thing his brother said to him. Seconds later, he was being handed an old comb – probably from Mikey’s pocket. He took it graciously and listened closely as the younger of the two overanalysed every potential scenario again. Gerard didn’t pay attention, not wanting to fill his head with anymore doubts that were already there.

Eventually, Mikey shut up and started to push Gerard towards the door. Slightly dazed, Gerard allowed to be pushed out of the apartment gently, until he was stood on the dimly lit landing.

“Be back before it gets dark, and remember to call me if anything goes wrong,” Mikey told him as they said their goodbyes.

Gerard snorted at how much like his mother he sounded, but nodded and decided to pass the chance at throwing a harsh comment at him.

“Back before it gets dark. Got it,” he confirmed as he turned towards the dark staircase out of the block of apartments, and out into the cold fall air.

The meeting places wasn’t too far away, and he knew the route to get there, but he decided to take a longer way – helping him calm his nerves a little.

The wind howled, making the trees sway in the breeze. It was obvious that winter was coming; the days were getting shorter and a lot colder, and the weather was taking a dramatic turn for the worse. Gerard couldn’t make himself feel excited for the upcoming festivities. Every year was the same to him: being alone at Christmas. For the first couple of years, he tried to invite Mikey over, but was always met with the same response that he and his girlfriend had plans. Gerard couldn’t complain, it was only fair that the holiday period was spent with loved ones.

He wrapped his jacket around his body tighter and walked around the last corner. The coffee shop was in sight, and it still looked as out of place as ever.

They’d half decorated it for Christmas with fairy lights around the perimeter for the large windows, making them reflect the little white lights. It added to the cosy and homely feel of it, which Gerard noticed the moment he walked into the building for the first time.

He approached the entrance and rested his hand on the door handle. He felt his hands shake as he pushed the door open, triggering the little bell to chime above him. He groaned and shut his eyes, knowing it would only draw even more unwanted attention to him.

Gerard took a few steps into the building and looked around the small seating area. There were only a handful of people there, all immersed in their reading or typing quickly on their phones. No one seemed to notice his entrance, but it still didn’t stop his heart rate from speeding up with every step he took.

Luckily, the space he took up the last time he visited was free. He smiled to himself, and walked over to the secluded corner of the room. He made himself comfortable on the large chair and took a deep breath.

No matter how many times he tried to prepare himself for what was about to happen, he couldn’t get it right. He hoped it would go well, but Mikey had filled his head with uncertainties about it all.

He wasn’t alone for long, as the barista from before came walking up to him, a pen and paper in hand.

“I thought you’d never return,” she laughed as she reached the small table in front of Gerard. He laughed with her and shook his head.

“It’s a nice place. How could I stay away?” he asked with a small shrug.

The woman smiled again, and took the lid of the pen. “What can I get ya’? Same as before?” she asked expectantly.

Gerard was about to reply, but then heard the little bell ringing in the distance. He didn’t have to look up to know who it was. He felt his heart stop and he started to feel sick again.

“You alright, sweetie?” the employee asked. “You don’t look too good.”

Gerard nodded and tried to give her a convincing smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I think it’s just the weather,” he lied as he tried to scan the room as discreetly as possible.

He saw Frank standing in front of the glass cabinet with all the food on offer. He was tapping on the glass, and Gerard tried to decipher whether he was annoyed or as nervous as he was currently feeling.

“If you say so,” she said sceptically. “I’ll go and serve this person and be back to get your order. Don’t die on me,” she joked as she walked towards Frank.

He watched the employee walk towards the register and take his order. He saw the woman looked confused as Frank asked her a question, but quickly brightened up and pointed in the direction where he was sitting.

Frank gave her a smile, nodded and paid for his drink. He didn’t look nervous at all. In fact, he was almost radiating confidence, which would’ve seemed unheard of if he tried to tell seventeen year old Frank that one day he’d no longer be cripplingly shy around anyone.

Gerard felt his heart rate pick up even more, and a small sheen of sweat started to form around his hair line. He quickly wiped it away, trying to copy Frank’s amount of confidence as he walked towards him.

There was no possible way they were the same people, Gerard didn’t believe it.  The Frank he knew was small, nervous and reserved, whereas the person making his way towards him was the exact opposite. Even though Frank was still a few meters away he could still see the number of tattoos covering his arms, hands and a few on his neck.

He smiled to himself, feeling some pride wash over him knowing that he’d managed to get the tattoos he wanted, but this time legally and without hiding them away from his parents.

He started to pick at the skin around his nails – some habit he’d managed to pick up throughout the years to help deal with his anxiety. Although he hadn’t stopped it, he’d been able to lessen the damaged he caused to his hands, and stopped himself before they started to bleed.

The sound of footsteps stopped getting closer and was replaced by the noise of a chair scratching against the hardwood floor. It all seemed too quiet. Every sound was amplified, from the sound of a mug being placed onto the table, to the sound of Gerard’s shallow breaths.

There wasn’t any other way to describe the silence that fell upon them other than awkward. Firstly, he didn’t want to look up at someone he hadn’t spoken to in over a decade, and didn’t know how to act around him anymore. The last time they spoke, they were still dating and the conversation flowed easily. But not this time. Gerard didn’t know if his interests had changed, because what twenty-seven year old still had the same interests as they did when they were a teenager? Not many.

“Are you going to say anything?” he heard Frank ask and he tapped his fingertips on the wooden table. Gerard cringed at the annoyance in his voice. He didn’t mean to make him angry. It was all going wrong, and it hadn’t been five minutes yet.

“I’m – I’m sorry,” Gerard gulped, and finally looked up at the man sitting directly in front of him.

He tried not to stare, but couldn’t help it. Even though he knew it was Frank sitting before him, he looked different. Much like before, his hair was still black and fell over his eyes a little, but this time it was washed and not dull with grease. His facial structure had become more defined, only making his eyes seem even more beautiful.

Frank blatantly ignored Gerard’s meek apology. “How have you been?” he asked bluntly, still tapping his fingers in a steady rhythm on the table.

Gerard considered telling him the truth, but didn’t think it was fair to confess to everything that happened since they last saw each other. Since his brother didn’t react well to it, he could only imagine it scaring Frank off for good if he knew he was a recovering alcoholic.

“I’ve been... good,” he said, although it came out more as a question than a confident answer. He lifted his head more and saw Frank shrug at the reply he got. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he replied, not expanding on his answer. Gerard nodded, and tried to smile, although it turned out to be a painfully looking grimace.

They sat in awkward silence for a few more minutes until the employee came back to take Gerard’s order.

She raised her eyebrows at him when he saw Frank sitting opposite. He knew what she was thinking, they all did.

“I see why you looked so nervous before,” she said. “Is this a first date then?”

Gerard saw Frank go red with anger, and he shook he head. “No, we just met,” he said slowly, looking the barista in the eye.

She looked taken aback at the other man’s hostility. “I’m sorry; it wasn’t my business to ask. Are you ready to order anything?” she asked Gerard, putting on a fake professional front.

“I’m fine, thank you,” he replied, not wanting to spend much longer with Frank. It was clear Frank had stopped contacting him because he’d managed to form some deep hatred for him, somehow. It was weird to think that they were so close before, but people said the college changed people – whether it was for the better or for the worst – and it certainly made Frank’s personality completely flip.

Frank drank his coffee quietly and eyed Gerard from across the table, making him feel incredibly uncomfortable.

The longer they sat in silence, the number of questions floating around his head started to increase. He needed to ask them. He needed answers.

He allowed a couple of minutes pass by before he spoke again.

“Why didn’t you come to my graduation? Why didn’t you invite anyone to yours? Didn’t we mean anything to you?” he asked, trying to keep on voice low.

Frank looked up at him in surprise, not expecting Gerard to speak.

He stuttered for a few seconds, his eyes wide with some kind of fear. Gerard waited for the answer he, and the rest of his family, deserved.

“Leave the bad things that happened to you in the past, that’s what my therapist in college said. He said that i should move on, and I guess it was the easiest thing to do at the time,” Frank replied coolly.

Gerard scoffed at him and felt anger rise in him. “So, you left the people who took you away from your abusive family? The people who helped you? The people who _loved_ you?” Gerard asked incredulously.

“Don’t talk about this now, Gerard,” Frank whispered heatedly. “It’s not the time or place. I don’t want everyone to know I was brought up by shit parents and had to be thrown into some kind of foster care for a year.”

“Some kind of foster care,” Gerard repeated, hate dripping from every syllable.  “Were we nothing more than that to you? I thought we were more than that – an actual family.  My mother loved you like you were her own son. Don’t you remember what she did for you?!”

“Gerard, not now,” Frank repeated, still in a hushed tone. “If we have to speak about this, can we at least do it away from everyone else?”

“Fine,” Gerard huffed. He stood up quickly and gestured towards the door. Frank followed him, leaving his half finished drink on the table and walked outside.

Once they were outside, they made their way to an empty bench in a small park.

“Go on, explain yourself,” Gerard said irritably.

Frank let out an annoyed sigh and rubbed his eyes. “There’s no simple expiation, alright? He told me to leave the past behind me and try and forget about it. It was only holding me back, why don’t you understand this?”

“I get that bit. You make it seem like I’ve never been through the therapy process or anything like that. Don’t you think your actions were a little bit selfish? My mom cried for hours when she found out you didn’t invite anyone to your graduation and failed to turn up to any of the family gatherings we organised.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry?” Frank shouted.

“Yes!” Gerard shouted back. He turned to face the other man and looked him straight in the eyes. “It would’ve been better if you said that _years_ ago, but it’s always a start.”

Frank shifted under his gaze, but stayed put. “You seem to be shoving all the blame onto me. Why didn’t _you_ call _me_? That would’ve have been too hard, would it?”

Gerard laughed at the other man’s ignorance. He didn’t know half of it. When he was off living his happy life, Gerard was spending most of his nights passed out on the floor, surrounded by empty beer bottles and vomit.

“You think it was all so perfect once I left college, don’t you? You probably think that the moment I left, people were throwing job offers at me. Well, that may be the case for you, but it’s a little different when you’re trying to get into the art industry. Nothing goes to plan – some people make it, some people don’t; it’s all a game of luck.”

“So what, Gerard? You were unemployed for a bit. We were all in that situation before. Some people just try harder to get what they want. It’s simple when you think about it,” Frank replied spitefully.

“No, listen, Frank. When someone you love throws you away for no obvious reason, it _hurts_ , and I don’t think you understand that. You didn’t say goodbye or give me a reason why you left. You said nothing and then just disappeared. Can you imagine what the feels like?”

Frank stayed silent for a bit, unable to form the right words.

“That’s exactly what I thought. You ruined my life over the last ten years. I abandoned my family, and the only person who still speaks to me is Mikey. I haven’t said a word to my mom in nearly seven years; all because I was too busy getting too drunk to remember my own name. Plus, I think she disowned a few years after we lost contact,” he ranted. “I lost everything.”

The wind picked up and the sound of dead leave rustling along the floor was the only thing to break the sombre atmosphere between the two of them.

“I’m sorry about all of that, but you can’t say it was all my fault. You were the one who decided to drink, the one who decided to abandon your family. I didn’t tell you to do any of that – you did it by yourself. Yes, I may have contributed to it a bit, but who gets so caught up with someone they dated when they were a teenager?”

Gerard looked at Frank in utter disgust and heartbreak. He knew that their relationship was over, anyone could see that, but hearing someone he used to love tell him that they didn’t mean anything hurt the most.

“What you’re saying is that our relationship meant nothing?” Gerard asked as he tried to stop his voice from wobbling.

Frank paused and groaned. “No, not like that. You knew it meant _something_ ,but we were just kids. Two fucked up kids, okay?”

Gerard balled his hands into fists and looked Frank up and down once. He knew that violence wasn’t the answer, and he was mindful about the other man’s past, but there was something burning inside him that urged him to punch something, if not someone.

“Don’t be mad, Gee,” Frank said in an attempt to calm him down.

“Don’t call me that,” Gerard spat. He stood up from the bench and looked down at Frank. “I knew this was a mistake. I knew you hated me. I’m only here because Mikey thought it would go well and I’d stop moping over you and finally get better. But obviously not.”

“And I’m only here because your fucking brother convinced me that it would be worth my time, but clearly it wasn’t,” he argued back.

Both of they didn’t say anything else, and only the sound of their heavy breathing broke the deafening silence.

“I guess that’s that, then,” Frank said as he stood up and faced Gerard.

“I guess it is,” he replied quietly.

Frank stuck out his hand awkwardly and waited for Gerard to take it.

“A handshake, seriously?” Gerard asked. “After all that fighting, you want me to shake your fucking hand?”

When Frank shrugged, Gerard took his hand and shook it without complaint.

“I didn’t want to end on a bad note, so this is the politest way I could think of,” he explained as Gerard let go of his hand. “It was nice seeing you again, Gerard.”

The older of the two gave an unconvincing smile and a cordial nod. “You too,” he replied as sweetly as he could.

Frank was the first person to turn away from each other and started to walk off down the road. Gerard watched him go, thinking over the worst possible meeting imaginable. He didn’t know what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t like that.

Annoyed with himself, he quickly walked in the opposite direction to Frank, which made sure there was no possible way they could bump into each other as Gerard didn’t trust himself around him. Despite the fight, he was still in two minds. Half of him wanted to hate every inch of Frank and everywhere he walked, but the other part wanted to try and make emends and beg for forgiveness.

It was a stupid idea, anyway. He cursed himself for letting Mikey convince him to go. He was probably better off not knowing how Frank felt about him now, but it was too late.

He reminded himself of what his mother told him when he first realised that his boyfriend wasn’t going to reply to his endless messages: _If you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may seem awful right now, but it'll get better soon! xo


	8. Chapter 7

When Frank returned home from his less than happy reuniting with Gerard, he walked straight into their bedroom and locked the door. Dan thought about knocking and asking what was wrong, but had been with his boyfriend for long enough that he knew not to pry, and allowed him some space to calm down.

He heard Frank pacing around the room, and swearing loudly when he heard a sound of someone walking into a piece of bedroom furniture. Dan laughed to himself, knowing how clumsy his boyfriend could be when he was mad.

He couldn’t quell the curiosity in the pit of his stomach when he thought about Gerard. Frank never talked about his childhood, never mind mentioned him before. He realised that if he wanted to find out anything about his partner’s old friends, he’d have to look into it himself as Frank had bluntly refused to say anything.

Nowadays, it wasn’t hard to find people on the internet. Pretty much everyone had some kind of social media account, or failing that, they probably had some record which he could find. On top of that, Gerard wasn’t a common name, and he could easily narrow down the number of people there is he looked for people called Gerard specifically in New York City.

Dan walked towards the living room and sat down on the couch. He looked behind him, making sure Frank was still in the other room. Although he wasn’t doing anything necessarily bad, he still felt a small bit of unease in his stomach as he opened up Google.

He typed in the name, and started scrolling through pages of irrelevant information, until he reached New York. Luckily for him, there were only five people called Gerard who were living there. With a sigh of relief, he clicked on the first name.

“Drew, Gerard,” Dan muttered to himself and he read through his basic information. The site didn’t give much away for everyone; it only told others their old schools, colleges, age and their registered location. It was all he needed.

He knew the Gerard went to the same school as Frank did and went off to SVA, but this didn’t fit with the Gerard he was looking at. This person went to some small college in England to study veterinary science. Dan quickly crossed him off the list and moved onto the second person.

The next person was called Gerard Harrison. It didn’t seem like a promising match. This man was in his late fifties, and Dan guessed he wouldn’t have been in the same school as Frank was, unless he was a teacher. Dan doubted that Frank would’ve formed such a strong bond with an ex-teacher.

He sighed to himself. There were only a handful of people left on the list, and with every person he went through, the more annoyed he became. He thought it would’ve been easier to find him, but his concentration was dwindling.

Dan closed the lid of the laptop, stood up from the seat and walked towards the hallway to reach their bedroom door. It was still locked, and he knocked a few times. When Frank didn’t reply, he knocked harder and called his name.

He heard the sound of the door unlocking, and he took a small step back. Frank opened the door and walked out. He looked rough; his hair was sticking up at add angles, like he’d been pulling at hit. His eyes looked slightly puffy and red, a clear sign that he’d been crying.

“Hey, are you okay?” Dan asked as he walked towards his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug.

Frank let his arms lie limply next to his sides, but he nodded. “I’m fine,” he replied, his voice still hoarse from crying. “I’m just going to go for a smoke.”

Dan let go of him in surprise and looked at him. “You haven’t smoked in _years_. What’s brought it back all of a sudden?”

Frank shrugged and put his hands in his jackets pockets. Dan watched as his boyfriend walked around him to the front door, not attempting to stop him.

He wasn’t stupid, and knew that Gerard had caused him to start up old habits. Personally, he’d never liked the idea of smoking. He knew how bad it was for the body, and that it increased the risk of cancer. He didn’t want to see Frank go down that path. He imagined them growing old together, not him caring for someone with lung cancer in years down the line.

He had a reason to find Gerard, now. He needed to know what happened, and whether it was worth him trying to intervene at all.

When he opened the laptop, it was still on the last person he looked at. He scrolled past the last few people, until he reached the last person on the list.

“Way, Gerard,” Dan murmured. “That’s a different surname. Definitely sounds like a guy who’d go to a pretentious art college,” he scoffed.

He clicked on the name, and his details popped up onto the screen, along with a picture. The picture was unquestionably from the man’s college days. He had black hair, which looked like it hadn’t been washed in weeks, which just covered his hazel green eyes. He looked pale, almost too pale, and had a strong jaw line. Dan hoped his wasn’t the person he was looking for. He didn’t like the idea of Frank being friends with someone who looked like that.

He found out that he went to a school in New Jersey, and went to SVA. Dan felt a strange mix of pride and sickness that he’d probably found the mystery friend Frank went off to see.

The limited amount of details about him seemed to match up to what he’d been told beforehand.

Next, he’d have to find a way to contact him. He couldn’t live knowing that he’d narrowed it down to one person, and not met him. Perhaps they could all be friends, and find out a bit more about each other.

***

It was fucking freezing outside. The wind was howling, and effortlessly removing the minimal amount of body heat he’d managed to produce. Frank looked down at his hand which was holding the cigarette, and it had gone an impressive blue/grey colour. He sighed. He knew it was a stupid idea, but he couldn’t relax. He’d managed to chain smoke four cigarettes in the space of half an hour, but didn’t care enough to make himself stop and go inside.

He couldn’t stop thinking about what Gerard had told him, and how’d he’d just brushed it off like it was nothing. He should’ve said something – asked if he was okay now. But, instead, he acted like the biggest asshole on Earth towards him. He didn’t let himself agree to what Gerard was telling him. It was his fault, but he didn’t want to believe it. He shouldn’t have been so hostile towards his old boyfriend. He was probably as nervous, if not more so, about meeting up, and Frank just allowed his nerves to cloud his usual self.

He felt like shit.

Frank lit another cigarette and started to smoke it slowly. He didn’t know what to do. He’d managed to fuck up so badly that he was sure Gerard wouldn’t want to see him again, and Frank didn’t blame him.

Sighing, he blew the smoke up into the air, and watched the grey cloud float upwards towards the sky.

It had become a lot colder since he first went outside, and the sun was starting to set in the horizon. He threw his half finished cigarette on the floor and crushed it with his foot until he couldn’t see the glowing embers anymore.

With his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket, he made his way back to the warmth of the apartment.

***

By the time Frank walked back into the living room, Dan had successfully found out Gerard’s number, and sent him a message in an attempt to contact him. He felt a little weird sneaking behind his boyfriend’s back, but he couldn’t help himself. Perhaps Gerard was a nice guy, he told himself. Maybe they’d become friends and all the bad memories could be put to rest.

Frank sank down on the sofa next to his boyfriend. Dan turned his nose up at the strong smell of smoke coming from the person beside him, but didn’t mention it.

“You alright?” he asked, pulling Frank closer to his side.

Frank groaned, and buried his face into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. “I fucked up. He hates me now,” he whined.

Dan stroked his boyfriend’s hair gently, and murmured a string of supportive words under his breath. Every time he told Frank he did nothing wrong, he felt the other man curl up closer to him and shake his head.

He kept on doing it for a while until he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He felt his heart skip a beat, knowing it could only be Gerard reply to his previous message.

He gently pushed Frank from his side, kissing his forehead lightly, and gesturing towards his phone. Frank didn’t bother to ask, and allowed him to walk into the other room.

Dan made his way into the small study area. He sat at the desk, and tried to steady his shaking hands as he unlocked his cell phone. He didn’t know why he felt a mix of nerves and excitement flooded his veins when he opened the text.

It was short and to the point, but it gave him an address and a time to meet. The message said to meet Gerard tomorrow at midday, at his place.

He didn’t feel too comfortable with visiting someone he’d never met before at their home, but he couldn’t see any way around it.

He replied, confirming that he’d be there at the agreed time.

“I’ll finally get to know something about you, Gerard,” he said to himself, smiling, as he added his new plans into the calendar on his phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not happy with this chapter at all, but here is it (even though it's a little late).
> 
> My birthday is coming up, so there probably won't be an update for a week or more (sorry!)
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, things will actually be happening soon, and I promise you Frank and Gerard won't stay hating each other forever. xo


	9. Chapter 8

It was just before eleven in the morning when Dan closed the front door behind him. He’d told Frank that he was going out to meet an old work colleague for lunch. Luckily, Frank didn’t question him, and asked him to come back before it got dark. Naturally, Dan agreed and said goodbye to his boyfriend. He checked that he had the address written down on a small piece of paper.

He had a rough idea where he was heading, and knew it was the best part of the city, making his nerves double. He’d seen the horror stories with meeting someone new in their house. More often than not, it ended with something bad. Although the fear was settling into the pit of his stomach, he trusted that Frank had made friends which wouldn’t be psychopaths. Besides, he told himself, his boyfriend had come back unscathed, just pissed off.

With a small sigh, he walked out of the warmth of the apartment block, and onto the freezing streets of New York.

The ground was still covered in a thick layer of frost from the night before and the wind was whipping around the tall skyscrapers surrounding him. Winter had definitely set in and he started to regret his decision to walk to meet Gerard, but he didn’t have any other option.

Wrapping his winter coat around himself tighter, he walked down the first street in search of Gerard’s house.

People around his rushed by in their warm coats, hats and scarves, occasionally bumping into Dan as he made his way down the sidewalk. Some looked back and gave an apologetic smile, but most of them didn’t acknowledge him. He was used to it, as growing up in the city had taught him well.

He turned the corner, and walked down a quieter street. The houses on either side of the road looked rundown and just liveable. It was a far cry from what he was used to, but put his head down and walked the remaining few meters to the door of Gerard’s apartment block.

Even though he hadn’t entered the building, he could tell it wasn’t the best place money could buy. The door looked like it couldn’t hold anyone back if they tried to break in. The window had obviously been recently broken, and someone had tried to fix it by adding tape to the cracks. The door itself looked like it was about to fall through, so Dan pushed it very gently to get inside.

The first thing he noticed was the smell of the small area which led towards the stairway. It was a strange smell – a mix between mould and stale alcohol. Dan wasn’t surprised, if anything he was glad that it didn’t smell like urine.

He checked the number of Gerard’s apartment, and was relieved to find out that it was only on the second floor, as he didn’t trust the old elevator which he heard rattle down the shaft.

He climbed the stairs as quickly as he could, not wanting to stay on the wobbling structure for longer than he had to.

A little out of breath, he reached Gerard’s floor. He swallowed as the anxiety rose in his chest. He turned to face the door closest to him, and saw that it was number 2B. He huffed to himself as he read that Gerard’s was 16B, suggesting that it was the furthest one down the dimly lit hallway.

Dan wandered down the hall, not wanting to reach the correct door, but knew it would have to happen soon. When he found out where Gerard lived, he couldn’t contain his excitement, but as the reality hit him, the excitement quickly died. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to the person he was about to meet, never mind how he’d react.

Soon enough, he was outside the right door. With a shaking hand, he pressed the small doorbell on the wall. He heard the shrill chiming of a bell ring through the wooden door.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets and tried to calm his breathing down. He didn’t want to seem nervous in front of him, knowing it wouldn’t be a great first impression.

The sound of someone shouting and the scraping of a chair along the floor greeted him. He started to try and put together what Gerard would look like. Gathering from what he heard, and where he was, he guessed that he was about to meet someone you wouldn’t want to pass in a dark street. Although he wouldn’t have thought Frank would’ve made this kind of friend, he remembered that they hadn’t seen each other for over ten years.

He stayed stood outside awkwardly for a few more moments until the door swung open, letting the smell of old alcohol floor into the small hallway.

“Are you gonna come in?” Gerard asked as he stood holding the door.

Dan muttered something which sounded like some form of reply, and made his way into Gerard’s house.

Much like the rest of the building, his apartment was equally as rundown, but slightly cleaner. It looked like someone had recently tidied everything in sight. It was a nice contrast from the other parts of the block, but the underlying smell of old alcohol still made Dan’s nose burn a bit.

Gerard sat down on the old sofa in his living room and beckoned Dan into the other room. He closed the door behind him gently, and obeyed the other man’s command.

He sat opposite Gerard and looked at him properly. He didn’t look anything like he expected; in fact, Dan couldn’t have been further off the truth. Instead of being a well built guy with tattoos littering his arms, he looked scrawny and pale, with no tattoos in sight. This should have made him feel more at ease, but nothing about the situation he put himself in made the small amount of fear leave his system.

“So, what are you? A spy? Some stalker?” he asked with a bemused look on his face.

“What?” Dan asked and he looked at Gerard with a confused expression. “You’re Frank’s friend, right?”

Gerard snorted. “You could say that. What does that mean to you?”

“Well, he’s my boyfriend, so...” he trailed off. “But, I just wanted to get to know you. He never talks about his childhood, and you seemed to be the only person who knew him then.”

“Little Frankie’s told you nothing?” Gerard smirked and tilted his head, making some of his black hair fall in front of his face.

Dan shrugged, trying to seem like he didn’t care as much as he did. “Doesn’t like talking about it,” he replied simply.

Gerard laughed. He had so much power in his hands at that very moment. Dan knew nothing, meaning Frank has either lied or avoided every question asked to him throughout their relationship. Gerard wasn’t an expert in relationships, but he knew one based on lie after lie would only take a few little slipups to break.

“How long have you two been together, then?” he asked, a small smile on his face.

“Around seven years,” Dan replied, eyeing Gerard suspiciously.

“Seven whole years and he hasn’t told you a think?” Dan shrugged again. “That’s a little weird, don’t you think? Do you think he’s hiding anything?” he smirked.

Dan rubbed his eyes and sighed. “That’s why I’m here. I was wondering if you could tell me anything about his past.”

Gerard stayed silent for a while, enjoying watching that other man squirm under his gaze. He planned what to tell him and whether it was the truth or not. He could say anything, and Dan would soak it up. He chuckled to himself, and laced his fingers together, resting them on his knees.

“Okay, let’s start at the beginning,” he started, a small smile still on his face. He saw Dan lean in closer, and Gerard’s smile only widened.

***

It was around 1PM when Frank decided to get out of bed. Work had given him a long weekend off, giving him time to start on an article about some new store opening a couple of blocks down. He didn’t care about it, but he didn’t have a choice.

He walked towards the study, stopping off in the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. He tried to flatten his hair and yawned as he waited for the coffee to brew. He tapped his finger tips on the countertop in some random rhythm, and poured the drink into the closest mug he could find.

The study was always the coldest part of their apartment, and only had a small window on the far wall. In some ways, it reminded Frank of the little dorm room he shared with Gerard, and he couldn’t stop the smile that always made its way onto his face when he thought about it. Even though he didn’t have the ideal childhood, spending the remaining year or so with the Way household was the best time he had ever had.

He groaned and sat down at his desk. He opened his laptop and clicked a few times until he opened the half finished article.

The article was for the local news paper, advertising the opening of a new flower store in the city. The news paper never gave out small advertisements to businesses, but the owners offered the company a substantial amount of money, and they couldn’t refuse. They’d told Frank to write whatever he wanted, as long as it gave them a glowing review of their new investment. Simple enough, they told him when they gave him the task.

He huffed as he read over what he’d already done a week previously, and continued from where he left off.

***

Dan couldn’t contain his anger. He stormed home, not caring about the number of people he walked into, and only flipping them off when people tried to stop him to complain.

He didn’t know what Frank would’ve been hiding from him, and he’d become suspicious in the early parts of their relationship, but let it slide once his boyfriend had told him it wasn’t anything important.

He ran up the stairs towards their apartment, and with shaking hands, unlocked the door.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do or say once he found Frank, but didn’t want to over think it. He was just going to let whatever happen, regardless of the consequences.

The sound of music travelled from the study, and he guessed that Frank was working on the article he’d managed to put off for days.

He took off his coat and dropped it on the floor as he made his way towards the closed door of the study. Before he entered, he took a deep breath. The music was still playing loudly, so he presumed that Frank wasn’t aware that he was now standing directly outside the door.

He swung the door open to relieve his boyfriend typing quickly on his laptop whilst singing along to the song playing on the stereo.

Frank jumped in surprise and turned to face the new person in the room. His face quickly changed from one of surprise to one of relief when he saw Dan standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hi,” he greeted him. He stood up from the chair, and took a few steps towards his boyfriend. He wrapped his arms around the other man’s middle, and pulled him into a hug. Dan went stiff, and didn’t return the embrace. He removed Frank’s arms from around his body, and took a step backwards to face him.

“Get out,” he whispered, anger dripping from his voice.

“What?” Frank laughed, thinking his boyfriend was joking. “What’s got you in this mood?”

“You heard me, Frank. Get out. You spent seven years not telling me who Gerard was, and when you finally told me, you didn’t tell me he was your _ex-boyfriend_!” He exclaimed.

Frank felt his blood run cold. “He... Look, Dan, I can explain.”

“You didn’t tell me that your parents _abused_ and _neglected_ you! You didn’t tell me that you went to live with Gerard’s family.”

“They weren’t important. Come on, it all happened years ago. It doesn’t matter now. You know what they say, leave it in the past,” Frank said desperately.

Dan laughed in disbelief. “Doesn’t matter now? Of course it mattered. I wasn’t going to force you to say anything, but after seven years you could’ve mentioned it. I don’t know why I didn’t expect it. You’ve never talked about your family. You’ve met mine plenty of times, but whenever I asked if I could finally meet yours, you said they were busy. They were always busy.”

“You can't meet them because they’re in _prison_ ,” Frank shouted. “Why would you want to know about that? You’d just pity me. I didn’t want that. I just wanted a new life.”

“A new life where you abandon everyone?” he asked incredulously.

Frank stayed quiet and ducked his head. He sighed, feeling tears start to prick in his eyes. “I can explain, okay? It’ll make sense if you-“

“No, Frank. I would’ve understood if it was something little – like shop lifting once, but not this,” Dan said, making even more space between them.

“You’re kicking me out because I lied, but you said you were meeting with people from work, not going to see fucking Gerard. You get pissed when I lie, but you’ve done the same thing!” He yelled at his boyfriend.

“Saying one white lie is better than lying about my whole life, you know? Now, pack your stuff and get out, I’m trying to be nice about this,” Dan said, anger still laced his voice.

Frank pushed past Dan, making the other man stumble backwards in surprise, and walked into their bedroom. He locked the door, making sure his boyfriend couldn’t follow him – even though he doubted he would.

He found a small travel bag and started throwing in his clothes, not caring enough to fold them neatly. He felt the first tear trickle down his face. He ignored it, knowing no one else would see him cry. As he continued to pack, he tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest.

A knocking sound came from outside the door, but he didn’t pay any attention to it. He didn’t want to see Dan – there wasn’t anything he could do to change his mind, knowing that Dan was as equally as stubborn as he was.

When he’d filled his bag to breaking point, he sat on the edge of his bed. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He didn’t have any family to live with, and he didn’t want to sleep on his friends’ couches for weeks on end until he ended up in some badly maintained motel just outside the city. New York was expensive, and they could barely afford the place they had with two people working – he had no idea how Dan was going to keep the apartment. He would probably sell it, keep the money and buy a nice townhouse somewhere else.

Frank rubbed his eyes with a sigh. He’d have to make do and find somewhere to stay. He had enough money to keep him going for a week or so, and he hoped that it would give him enough time to figure out what the fuck he was going to do with himself.

He reached over to his over packed bag and tried to zip it closed. Fortunately, it did, just about. He picked it up and slowly walked to the door. With a final look behind him, he unlocked the door and walked out into the hallway.

The apartment seemed empty and lifeless. Dan had probably gone out, giving him enough time to leave without causing any more arguments. He was grateful, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to face his ex-boyfriend again.

He looked down at his feet, and saw a small scrap of paper on the floor. With a sigh, he picked it up and looked at it. Written on it was an address in Dan’s handwriting. It was probably somewhere he could stay for a while, but he didn’t care anymore. Perhaps he’d get lucky and get kidnapped. It would make Dan happy, at least.

Frank walked towards the study, bag in hand, and collected his laptop. He’d have to try and find a way to explain to his boss why it was late. Maybe he could try and get some sympathy, but he doubted it. His boss was heartless, like many of them were.

He shoved it into the full bag, and put the straps over his shoulders.

He didn’t have much to lose by going to the address on the bit of paper. His boyfriend had already left him, his parents were in jail, and he had no idea where the rest of the Way family lived anymore. And even if he did, he didn’t expect them to welcome him back with open arms.

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself, his voice still rough from shouting. He put his hand on the door handle, hating the icy feeling of uncertainty settling into his stomach.

He took one last look at the address on the paper, and walked out of his apartment for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seemed really quick, but I needed to get Dan out of the picture. Also, guess who actually updated on time for once! xo


	10. Chapter 9

The address led him to a rundown part of town. Frank couldn’t say his was surprised, knowing Dan wouldn’t send him off to a five-star hotel somewhere in the heart of New York – especially not after their spectacular break up. If anything, he was lucky that he would have some form of roof over his head as he didn’t have the guts to sleep rough on the streets for a few nights. Besides, he knew he wouldn’t last out there. If he wasn’t punched to death by other people – he’d seen how people treated homeless people. He never imagined some could be so selfish and cruel to other human beings due to their financial status. It made him see some people in their true colours – prejudice and all. Besides, he wasn’t the toughest person around either, despite the number of tattoos that covered his body. And, as a gay journalist, he didn’t need homelessness as another reason why assholes would beat him up. If the people around him didn’t kill him first, he was certain he’d freeze to death in a back alley of New York.

Frank sighed, knowing that this was his only choice. He hitched his bag further up on his shoulder and he walked towards the entrance of the apartment block.

Even from a distance he could tell it wasn’t what he was used to. He was used to a nice area with friendly people around him. He’d often say good morning to Ms. Higgins as they went down to collect their post from the mail slots on the ground floor. She would always talk about her daughter and how she was off ‘saving the world’ through helping communities in Africa. Frank would listen, adding a positive nod here and there to keep his neighbour happy.

It was all so very idyllic and blissful before; he quickly started to regret not appreciating it more.

He didn’t expect much from the place he was about to go in to, he just hoped it was structurally sound.

He checked the address one last time, eager that he’d somehow misread it, or that he’d walked down the wrong street.

Unfortunately, both the address on the paper matched the little sign on the wall.

“Saint John’s West,” Frank read aloud to himself with a small disbelieving laugh. “There’s nothing saintly about this place.”

In spite of his gut instinct telling him to turn away and try to go crawling back to Dan and start to beg to see if he’d take him back, he pushed open the door into the dark former-reception area.

He was unsure to how safe this all was. First of all, he didn’t know who the fuck he was going to end up staying with, and by the state of the building itself, he knew he wasn’t going to be staying with some millionaire. Also, how did Dan know someone who lived in an area like that? Both their jobs were qualified ones, and they’d all met up with work colleagues together throughout the years. None of them seemed like the people who’d live like that.

Secondly, he doubted the person was expecting Frank to turn up at their door. He knew that he wouldn’t want some stranger coming into his house, expecting somewhere to stay for a while, and leave within a week or two. He felt like a burden. If he wasn’t such an asshole to Gerard and his family, he’d probably be with them that very minute.

He closed his eyes and imagined it. He’d be a freelance poet and author, displaying his work to the world. Adoring fans would come to his book signings, all trying to meet him. He’d talk to them, encourage them to write more. He wouldn’t let the fame get to his head. He wouldn’t allow it. He’d still be the same old him, just a little richer, that’s all.

He’d read through the critics observations, laughing at them as he read the absurd comments they made about his work. He wouldn’t care, and even he some remarks ruined his mood, Gerard would be right next to him, whispering words of support and placing feather light kisses to his jaw.

Frank groaned inwardly. Gerard.

In his fantasy, they would’ve been dating for over a decade. He’d be one of the best comic book illustrators in New York City – if not the world – but never accepting it. They would go off to his art exhibition, and he’d laugh as his boyfriend blushed profusely with every compliment or kind word said about his artwork. With Gerard’s art and his writing, they would travel the world together, visiting galleries and libraries together in London, Japan, Moscow – anywhere they wanted to go.

If they weren’t abroad, they would meet up with Ray and his wife. They would go to quaint little Italian restaurants in less touristy areas of the city. They’d eat good food, drink good wine, and laugh about their time in high school, reminiscing about times gone by.

Over the years, nothing would have changed between their friendship group. Ray would still be heavily into his music, but this time it would be him playing the guitar, not dreaming about it. He wouldn’t be rock star famous, claiming it wasn’t his scene, but he’d play in a small band that would hold some local gigs.

Frank shook his head, not wanting to dwell in the ‘what ifs’, knowing they were farfetched and unachievable.

He didn’t want the fame, and he knew Gerard wouldn’t have wanted it either. He would have been happy if they had normal lives. He’d do anything to be able to laze around in bed all day with Gerard on a Sunday morning, sharing passionate kisses as they watched the sunrise.

If only he didn’t majorly fuck it all up when he was in his early twenties.

He cursed himself, knowing he let himself think too much. He wiped his eyes, removing the dampness from his eyelids, not wanting to look like an unstable mess when he met the person he was going to stay with.

Frank turned to face the stairs up to the first floor of apartments. It didn’t look safe, but there wasn’t much else for him to do. He cautiously placed a foot on the bottom step, and quickly made his way up to the small landing.

He took a few steps towards the doorway, and read the letters engraved onto the wall with a pen.

“Apartments 1B – 20B,” he read. Frank decided not to question why they started at B and not A. He was just glad that they had just readable signs on the doors, making his life a lot less difficult and awkward as he tried to find the person he was looking for.

It suddenly stuck him that he didn’t know who he was looking for. He only had their address and nothing else. Dan hadn’t taken the time to write the person’s name or even their entails on the paper. He could be walking into a murderer’s home next, he didn’t know.

Perhaps it was all set up by his ex. Maybe the person he was about to meet wasn’t someone he was going to stay with, but someone who was going to _kill_ him instead.

Would Dan hire an assassin? He hoped not. Dan didn’t seem like the type to know anyone like that, but Frank couldn’t stop the wave of paranoia hitting him.

However, he had to do it. He was already there, and there was no going back. He didn’t have much to lose, anyway. His long term boyfriend had left him, he didn’t have any family and the small number of people that he knew wouldn’t care enough to let him stay.

He’d never thought about killing himself – not even when his parents would hit him for unknown reasons. But when he listed the reasons to live, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“Come on, Frank. Stop being so pathetic,” he whispered to himself, annoyed that the thought even crossed his mind.

He checked the paper in his hand, read the number, and quickly walked towards the end of the hallway.

He just wanted to get this over and done with. If the person who opened the door happened to kill him, so be it. He probably deserved it now.

Once he reached the door, he stuffed the address into his pocket and knocked on the door a few times. He waited, but no one came. He guessed that whoever was behind the door didn’t hear him and knocked again with a little more force.

An annoyed shout came from behind the door, so Frank took a step back, not wanting to be right in some stranger’s face when they opened the door.

A fumbling noise followed by the clicking of a lock unlocking was the last thing Frank heard before the door swung open to reveal the person standing behind it.

“What the hell do you want, Mikey? I told you to go home, didn’t I?” Gerard asked in an annoyed tone, his eyes not looking at Frank.

An uncomfortable silence filled the air, and Frank stood a little speechless in front of him. Out of all the people he thought would be behind the door, he didn’t expect it to be _Gerard_.

“Um,” Frank said, breaking the silence.

Gerard quickly looked up, realising that it wasn’t his brother on the other side of the door.

They made awkward eye contact for a few seconds before either one of them made a move.

When Gerard’s brain caught up with what was going on, he took a step backwards and tried to slam the door shut. He didn’t want to see Frank again, not after what he’d said to him – nobody in their right mind would.

Just before Gerard could close the door, Frank stuck his foot out, and stopped the door from closing.

“What the fuck do you want and how do you know where I live, Frank?” he spat.

Frank let out a shaky breath. “Look, I didn’t know this would be _your_ place, alright? Somebody’s address was left on a bit of paper, and it happened to be on the floor outside my room, so I came here.” He decided to pass on the information about him being kicked out by Dan, but he didn’t want to shout it out to let the whole world know.

“Who goes to an address they happened to find on the floor? Who does that?!”

In hindsight, it was a stupid idea, but at the time it was his only option. He knew that if he was still there when Dan returned from wherever he went, the other man would’ve started to physically assault him.

“I don’t want to talk about this here,” he said in a low voice. “Can you please let me in?”

Gerard scoffed at him, but still stepped aside to allow him in.

Frank walked into the apartment and stood in the hallway. It was a lot different to his old home. Gerard’s place was all lit with old fashioned lighting, casting a fake yellow glow everywhere. It made it look smaller, darker, and somewhere where you wouldn’t want to be for a long period of time.

It also smelled old, Frank thought. There was a faint smell of damp and something else which he couldn’t work out what it was – alcohol? However, it was all trying to be masked by a strong bleach that smelled of lemons.

“Living room’s through there.” Gerard pointed towards a door leading off the hallway. Frank nodded and walked into the other room.

He fully anticipated walking into a large room, an assortment of painting hanging in frames along the wall, and maybe a potted plant or two. But he couldn’t have been further from the truth. There wasn’t much in there, and like the rest of the apartment, it was small. There was an old sofa, two chairs and an old-fashioned television at the end of the room. Frank tried to tell himself that Gerard preferred the minimalist look, but he couldn’t stop the sinking feeling that this was all he could afford.

He sat down on the edge of the sofa, and looked up at Gerard as he entered the room. “It’s a nice place you’ve got,” he lied through his teeth, trying to pass it off with a less then convincing smile.

Gerard ignored the attempt at a compliment, making Frank’s cheeks heat up with embarrassment.

“I’m going to ask you again, Frank. Why are you here?” he asked in a scarily calm voice.

Frank swallowed. “Um, it’s a long story.”

Gerard eyed the bags next to the younger man and cocked his eyebrow. “It looks like you’re going to be here a while. Besides, I don’t have anywhere to go, and you don’t either.”

Frank shut his eyes tightly. “My boyfriend kicked me out,” he said quickly.

A smile spread across Gerard lips, unbeknown to Frank as he still has his eyes close. He tried to control the happiness flooding his veins, knowing that he didn’t want anything bad to happen to Frank, he just didn’t want him to have the idyllic lifestyle he had previously. It sounded selfish because, well, it was. Nonetheless, it wasn’t like he hadn’t gone through his fair share of suffering through his own life.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Gerard deadpanned.

“I know you don’t care. I’m only here because I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’ll get _killed_ if I sleep on the streets; you know that more than anyone. You know I can’t fight back. I couldn’t get revenge on Darren when he beat you up when we were seventeen,” Frank begged.

Gerard flinched at the mention of Darren’s name. He didn’t know where he’d got to, but he guessed he ended up in some prison after mugging an old lady.

“You’re going to make me beg, aren’t you? You sadistic fuck,” Frank laughed sadly. Gerard didn’t reply, allowing the other man to continue. “You want me to beg? Fine. I’ll only be here for two weeks at the most, and then I’ll be gone from your life forever. Hell, I may even move from this city. I’ve heard Seattle is nice, maybe Canada. Who knows?” Frank took a deep breath, feeling like he was getting ahead of himself. “I’ll pay rent, for my food, everything. I have a job, so I won’t be taking you money. I’ll be gone before you know it.”

Gerard hummed approvingly and nodded. “Fine, two weeks. There’s a spare room just down the hallway and to your left. It’s small, but it’s all I have. Unpack your things and then come back here; I want to talk to you.”

Without a word, Frank nodded and stood up. He grabbed is back and quickly walked out of the living room towards the spare bedroom.

Once he was out of sight, Gerard sat down on one of the chairs. He sighed and sunk into it. He wasn’t sure what made him agree to letting someone he thought he hated into his home – his private space, for fourteen whole days, but he couldn’t stop the strange warm sensation spreading through his body.


	11. Chapter 10

The spare room, as Gerard said, was tiny. Frank wasn’t sure whether it was intentionally designed to be a bedroom, because he was sure it was the same size of his old study. And with the addition of the bed, it made the room look even smaller.

He looked down at the bag he packed and decided against unpacking properly – he didn’t want to make himself feel at home, although he doubted he could. He’d never see himself feeling comfortable in Gerard’s house, especially not after what they’d been through.

He thought they’d seen the last of each other after their argument a handful of days ago. They’d both been assholes to each other – although he’d probably seemed like the biggest dickhead that ever walked the earth on that day. He couldn’t think about it without a horrible wave of guilt washing over him. Gerard unknowingly spilled out secrets he probably didn’t want to tell anyone, but the heat of the moment caught up with him, and Frank said nothing about it. What could he have said? He was sorry? Console him? None of that seemed appropriate at the time, not after all the shouting.

However he planned his future to go, he certainly didn’t expect being broken up with and to be a temporary houseguest in Gerard’s home. It was all happening too fast, and Frank felt like he was in some strange and twisted dream.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he looked around his room. There wasn’t anything amazing about it; it was just a room – four walls, a window, a door, a bed pushed to the furthest wall and a small wardrobe. Nothing like he expected from an ex-art student.

Perhaps his standards were too high. He’d gone from living in a part of central New York, to the exact opposite within the space of a few hours. He was sure he could manage it. Frank thought of it as an opportunity, maybe he could make amends.

He stayed sat on the bed, thinking about how the next few weeks could go. In his mind, it could only go two ways: both of them being able to spend an hour or so in the same room without fighting, or someone ending up dead.

At present, Frank could only see it going towards the latter.

Frank didn’t move from the spare room for another quarter of an hour, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Gerard. It was a lot different from their first reunion; both of them had an option to leave. Both of them had homes to go to afterwards, but not this time. This time was different. This time Frank had to stay in the house, no matter if they fought or not.

He rubbed his eyes and groaned. He couldn’t stay in the confined space of that room for much longer. He’d never been claustrophobic, but the white walls surrounding him started to make him feel like he was in a hospital. Maybe he could buy a poster to break up the blank walls.

He stood up from the bed and ran his fingers through his hair – he’d try and make an effort to look good around someone who was giving up their own home for him.

He stepped out into the hallway and the sound of someone quietly singing reached his ears. Frank tiptoed towards the living room, making sure to avoid the single creaking floorboard he discovered on the way to the room, and stood outside the door.

Gerard was humming along to a song playing from the stereo. Frank instantly recognised it _:_ _Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy_. Frank laughed to himself as he heard Gerard move around the other room. He’d always used singing as a form of therapy when he decided to stop going to his therapist, and as the years went by, he still hadn’t stopped.

Frank hovered outside the door for a few more seconds, enjoying the song coming from the other room, before taking in a short breath and walking through the doorway.

“Getting into the festive spirit, Way?” he chuckled, walking further into the room until he reached the old sofa.

Gerard instantly stopped, a small blush reaching his cheek. He turned to face Frank, who had now sat down, and rolled his eyes, and tried to hide his embarrassment. “Whatever,” he muttered, and made his way towards the stereo to turn it off.

“Aw, come on,” Frank cooed. “I know it’s your favorite holiday. Remember when you got really excited about the snow when we were in school?”

Gerard laughed harshly, “I believe that was you. I’ve never seen so much happiness in someone’s eyes. It was like you’d never seen it before.”

Frank ignored him, knowing that he was true. “Fine, sing to me. I know you have a good voice, so use it,” he requested, trying to sound as pissed off as possible.

Gerard shook his head and glared at the other man. “You can’t tell me what to do, Frank. Do you remember where you are? What situation you’re in? Your precious little boyfriend left you because you couldn’t find the guts to tell him about your past, and now you’re in _my_ house. I could kick you out any time I wanted. Live on the streets – what do I care?” he shrugged and walked around to sit on the armchair opposite Frank.

Frank felt his confidence drop. “Y-you wouldn’t...” he stuttered, hating how the fear spreading through his body showed in his voice.

Gerard raised an eyebrow, but didn’t reply.

They sat in a tense silence, neither of them knowing what to say next. Frank averted his gaze, and looked down at the floor, pretending to see something interesting on the dirty rug.

Frank knew Gerard was right, and arguing with him wasn’t going to make him the best houseguest. Besides, if he wanted to try and make up and correct all the shit things he’d done to the other man over the last decade, he could at least to try to be civil towards him.

The silence was broken by Gerard clearing his throat. Frank looked from the floor, waiting for the other man to say something.

“Your stutter,” he started. “What happened to it? Did you grow out of it?”

Frank let out an awkward chuckle and shook his head. “I went to speech therapy after college,” he confessed.

“Speech therapy?” Gerard repeated. “Your stutter was cute – why get rid of it?”

“Stutter fetish?” Frank laughed, successfully breaking the blanket of tension that was clouding the air. “You may have found it cute, but people in college? Not so much. You think people grow out of bullying once they get out of high school, but they don’t – they just find better ways at hiding it. Dan recommended a speech therapist when I mentioned it to him, and a year or so after my first meeting with them, it pretty much went away.”

“They just got rid of it, just like that? No medication or anything?”

“No medication, only some methods and techniques to get it sorted. It was easy enough.”

“If it was so easy, then why didn’t you ask my mom to go to therapy? It could’ve sorted out your stutter and panic attacks,” Gerard wondered aloud.

“After all she did – the court cases, looking after me, giving me a home – I didn’t want to ask her. Besides, it costs a lot, and I didn’t want to use up anymore of her money. It didn’t feel right at the time.”

“She would’ve tried her best. She would’ve done everything for you,” Gerard whispered sadly.

Frank nodded slowly and started to trace around some of the tattoos on his hand with his thumb. He was right, Donna would have attempted to get him the help he needed, but between the endless days in school, court documents, and social services arriving at random times, he never had the right opportunity to ask.

“Do you still have her number? I know you said she disowned you, but I’m sure she hasn’t. A parent can’t stop loving their child,” Frank cringed as he said it, knowing too well that it wasn’t true for his own parents. “I feel like I owe her an apology, at least. She helped me so much, and I fucked up and left you all.”

Gerard froze. He’d only kept in contact with Mikey, and that was only because his younger brother was persistent and didn’t let him completely isolate himself. At the time, Gerard was pissed off, drunk and tired of life, and tried every tactic to get rid of Mikey – not answering the door, always having his phone off, and ignoring letters that were left for him. He thought of everything, but nothing worked.

However stubborn he was then, he was glad that Mikey didn’t give up on him like the rest of his family and friends did. He knew if he was left alone with no one to contact, he’d surly be dead by now. The thought made a cold shiver run down his spine.

“I’ll have to ask Mikey. I’m sure she’d love to hear from you, but...” he trailed off.

“But what?” Frank asked, looking confused.

“She probably wouldn’t want to hear from me. Why would she? Who would want a son who nearly drank themselves to death, lives in this shitty apartment, can hardly hold down a job – no matter what it is, and still hasn’t paid off their debt from college?” Gerard replied, his voice wobbling slightly. “Who would want a failure?”

Frank felt his heart stop and break at Gerard’s words. Gerard had mentioned his past alcoholism to him, but he didn’t take any notice beforehand. If anything, he was hoping that Gerard made it up to try and get some sympathy from Frank.

“No, don’t say that. You’re not a failure, Gee,” Frank whispered softly as he walked towards the chair where he was sat in.

“I am. I got the best art degree you could get in SVA, but no one has given me a job. Everyone else from my class has become something they’ve _dreamed_ of, and they’re living the best life possible. Whereas, I’m stuck in this apartment, in some shitty job working in a store where everyone hates me, and I’ve got no one,” he sobbed and covered his face with his hands.

“Well, Mikey is here for you, and so am I now. Also, if you don’t like your job, then why don’t you quit?”

Gerard laughed sadly and shook his head. “It’s not that simple, Frank.  I need the money, no matter how bad the job is. Money keeps the world going ‘round, and I have to stay there to keep this mess.” He gestured around his apartment. “I only have another week until I have to go back, and I don’t think I can do it sober. I hate it there.”

“If you don’t think you could keep up with your sobriety because of it, it’s not worth going back to work,” Frank suggested. “I’m here for a bit, and it’s not like I earn a lot of money, but I could keep us both going for a bit.”

Gerard mumbled something under his breath, and shook his head again.

“I know you don’t like asking for help, but you’re going to get it if you like it or not. You know why we were so close before?”

“We were both stubborn as fuck,” Gerard replied with a small laugh.

“Exactly! Plus, you’re a fucking talented artist, and Christmas is just around the corner. You could draw some Christmas scenes. You know people go crazy for that shit.”

Gerard moved his hands from his face, but kept his focus on the floor. “I guess... I mean, I could, but where would I sell them? It’s not like I’m famous.”

“I’m a journalist, Gerard,” Frank reminded him. “I could phone up my boss and ask if I could write you a small article about your art. It’ll be fine. I’ll figure it out, and you start to get ideas. Just think about cliché winter scenes, people love that.”

Gerard looked up from the floor, and grinned at Frank. It was probably the first time he’d smiled and meant it in months – if not years. The prospect of having to return to the crappy little store with the worst people in New York City always made Gerard’s mood drop considerably. But, with the chance of him never forcing himself to be polite to the people around him, who treated him like dirty, made his future seem a lot brighter.

“You’d do that for me?” He asked, disbelievingly. “Your boss will let you?”

“There are advantages to being one of the favorites at work,” Frank laughed. “And, of course; I have to start my never-ending apology somewhere, right? I may as well get you out of that hellhole you described and push you in the right direction,” Frank shrugged, a small smile spreading across his face.

“While we’re at it, we’ll just start again from the beginning – pretend we’ve never met before,” he added. Frank offered his hand to Gerard, receiving a confused look from the other man.

“Hi, I’m Frank Iero,” he said in the most businesslike voice he could manage. “And you are?”

“You’re an idiot,” Gerard laughed quietly as he stood up from the chair and took Frank’s hand in his own. “Do I have to do this? It’s stupid.”

Frank nodded; Gerard rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.

“Gerard Way,” he replied, copying Frank’s voice, and shook his hand.

“Hm, interesting name...”

“Oh my God,” Gerard muttered. “You’re so stupid.” He pulled Frank closer and wrapped his arms around the other man’s middle in a tight embrace.

Instinctively, Frank hugged him back, feeling his heart rate pick up as Gerard gently rested his chin on his shoulder. Although it had been over ten years since they last showed any kind of affection to one another, it felt like nothing had changed between them.

“Today will be a new chapter for you and me, Gerard,” Frank announced in a hushed tone, and held Gerard closer to himself.

“Definitely,” he whispered back, feeling himself smile and relax against Frank’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a late-ish update. I saw Fall Out Boy (they were _amazing_ ) on the Friday and didn't get back until Sunday night.
> 
> Anyway, things are now looking up in this fic!


	12. Chapter 11

“Deciding to start over was the best thing we’ve ever done,” Frank laughed as he walked out of the kitchen carrying lunch for the both of them. Gerard had offered to cook, but Frank had politely declined after his disastrous attempt to make a vegan stew a week ago. It had been going well until he left it to sit down whilst it simmered, however he ended up falling asleep. He woke up to the smell of burning and the fire alarm going off, followed by an annoyed shout from Frank as he walked into the apartment after handing in his article. As hard as they tried, they couldn’t remove the burnt leftovers of vegetables from the pan, so it ended up in the bin, much to Gerard’s dismay.

Gerard nodded with a small laugh, and accepted the plate Frank offered him. He looked down at the plate of salad and tofu, and tried to hide his look of disappointment.

“There’s nothing in this place,” Frank defended himself, taking a seat next to Gerard. “We need to go shopping for food and your art supplies. You need to start that soon, otherwise Christmas well be over.”

Gerard groaned, and poked at the food on his plate.

“Do you want to go back to your other job?” he asked, turning to face Gerard. Of course, he shook his head. He couldn’t bare the idea of going back, not after he had to go back completely _sober_. The mere thought made his heart rate pick up.

“Thought not,” Frank muttered. “We’ll go after lunch. There’s an art supply store a few blocks away, right?” Gerard nodded. “We’ll go there. We may as well get you some more clothes. These ones look ancient.”

Gerard made a grumbling sound, but Frank just shook his head and smiled. He couldn’t be offended by the other man’s comment; he knew they were a mess. He couldn’t remember the last time he went shopping for clothes. Before, most of his money went on alcohol and packet noodles, but now he had the money left from the lack of alcohol, he guessed he could afford a new pair of jeans, maybe.

He played with the hem of his shirt, feeling suddenly very shy and anxious about going out in public. Whenever he was drunk, he didn’t care about the people looking at him, or whispering behind his back. They could go and fuck themselves as they laughed when he stumbled through the streets after drinking at a local bar. The alcohol acted like an antidepressant – something to keep him going throughout the day. It blocked his senses, removing the constant flood of anxiety flowing through his veins.

“Are you okay?” Frank asked, genuine concern lacing his voice. Gerard nodded slowly, offering him a small smile. “If you’re worried about the money, I could pay for it all.” Gerard ducked away and shook his head. Although he wasn’t rich, he didn’t want to become reliant on Frank’s charity. He didn’t want to live off another person’s income – he should be independent at twenty-seven.

“It’s not that...” he muttered. Frank cocked an eyebrow, not understanding what the problem was. Gerard sighed. “I’m not good with crowds, you know that. I only managed to go out before because I was drunk.”

Frank nodded, but stayed silent. He didn’t know what to do – he knew that pushing Gerard too far would only make it worse, but he couldn’t go without him.

“If you stayed close to me, would that make it better?” Frank thought aloud. Gerard murmured something under his breath, and Frank took it as a yes.

Gerard stood up from the sofa and said that he was going to change into something else. Frank smiled softly and watched Gerard disappear into the hallway.

He sighed. It was hard enough trying to get Gerard out of the house; he couldn’t imagine what it would be like dragging him around various stores to try of different items of clothing and picking out what art supplies he needed.

***

Gerard hated shopping. He hated the obnoxious music played everywhere; it only gave him a headache. He hated walking around the stores, being pushed into by angry mothers with strollers, old people arguing over which brand of tissues they wanted, and especially the over-friendly staff. He knew they didn’t give a shit how his day was, but they still said the same line with a sickeningly sweet smile.

He stayed pushed up to Frank as they walked into the art store. It was unusually full, and he didn’t like it. He was used to it being deserted, but the festive period brought people flooding into craft stores as they all tried to make the perfect made-made greetings cards for their loved ones, or one-of-a-kind decorations to add to their tree.

It made Gerard sad to see the expensive paints and paintbrushes being picked up by families and shoved into shopping carts, only to meet their fate in the hands of a small child on Christmas Day. As an artist, he felt like they should be treated with respect – the artist was only as good at the equipment they used.

They took another step into the store and Gerard took a deep breath. He shook the sleeves to his sweater down, allowing him to ball his fits in them. It was a habit he somehow picked up over the few years of college and hadn’t managed to get out of it. However, he didn’t see any problem with it; it wasn’t causing anyone any harm.

Frank felt Gerard tense beside him and looked towards him. “You okay?” Gerard gave a small nod, and Frank sighed – he knew he was lying, and it was painfully obvious he was. “Here, take my hand.” He stuck out his hand for Gerard to hold.

“What?” Gerard whispered in a hoarse voice.

“My hand. Take it,” he explained quietly, moving his hand closer to Gerard’s, which was still balled up inside his sleeve.

“What – what if someone see?” Gerard stammered, looking around quickly.

“No one’s going to see. And if they do – so what?” He didn’t let Gerard protest anymore, and grabbed the hand closest to his. He saw Gerard blush, but decided against bringing it up, knowing he could use it in the future.

Cautiously, Gerard removed his hand from his sleeve, and with one last glance around the busy store, he laced his fingers with Frank’s, feeling himself blush even harder. “Thanks,” he said, making sure only Frank could hear him.

Frank smiled gently, and squeezed the other man’s fingers slightly.

***

It had taken them a lot longer to get around the store than they first expected. The hoard of people crowding the Christmas section took a good few minutes to gets passed, and no amount of polite ‘excuse me’s’ and gently shoves got them anywhere.

Whenever they approached a large group of shoppers, Frank felt the pressure on his fingers increase as Gerard squeezed them tighter. With every squeeze, an apology quickly followed. No matter how many times Frank reassured Gerard, he didn’t stop muttering apologies every time.

Gerard had only thrown in a few sketchbooks, some paints, a couple of canvases and a pack of paintbrushes, even though Frank told him it was his treat and it didn’t matter what he got. Gerard looked at the more expensive options, with some reaching fifty dollars, but decided against them. He didn’t want to use all of Frank’s money, it wasn’t fair.

Eventually they reached the cash registers. The cashiers were all wearing Christmas hats, and little light up badges. It all looked so fake to him, and none of them really showed the festive joy they were trying to promote. The person scanned their items and put them into a bag haphazardly. She told them the price, and Gerard cringed. Somehow he managed to waste $64.87 on art things. He turned towards Frank who was already putting his card into the machine.

“I’ll pay you back soon,” Gerard promised. Frank ignored Gerard and entered his pin. Once they were paid for, Gerard – whose hand was still being gripped firmly by Frank’s – reached over and grabbed the bag. The cashier gave them a disapproving glare, thinking that none one saw it.

Gerard squirmed uncomfortably, feeling the entire store stare at them. He couldn’t deal with people looking at him most of the time, especially not when they were looks of disgust. He tried to pull his hand away, but Frank only held onto him tighter – not allowing him to separate themselves.

Frank looked up at the staff member behind the desk and gave her a surprisingly calm smile. “Have a nice day,” he told her, his voice dripping with venom. He turned to Gerard with a small smile. “Come on, we have other places to be.” He quickly walked towards the exit, dragging Gerard with him.

Once they were outside, Gerard groaned and covered his face with his free hand.

“I know,” Frank muttered angrily. “Guess some people still belong in the 1950s.” He subconsciously rubbed the pad of his thumb on the top of Gerard’s hand, making him smile and uncover his face.

They started to walk in the direction of the next store, still hand in hand.

Gerard glanced at Frank and quickly said, “I’ll pay you back for all those things. I didn’t know it was that expensive – I was only going to spend twenty dollars there, I swear.”

Frank laughed and shook his head. “You don’t need to. I mean, it wasn’t technically _my_ money.” Gerard stopped dead in his tracks, causing Frank to come to a halt too. “Once you have a boyfriend for a long time, they trust you with things. You know, house keys, car keys.... their credit card and pin number.”

“Frank!” Gerard said loudly in horror. “That’s _illegal_!”

Frank hushed him. “It was one thing, he’s rich – he won’t notice it’s gone.” Gerard still stared at him, his mouth open in shock. He didn’t believe that the once quiet and innocent person he knew was now taking large amounts of money from an unsuspecting ex. “It was just for this one thing, I promise.”

“But-“

“Shhh,” Frank chuckled. “I’m not in the mood to shop anymore, and its fucking cold, my toes are going numb. I’ll just order takeout tonight, and go shopping for the rest later on.”

Gerard didn’t complain, after all, his toes were also going numb, and the endless wind made him shiver. He nodded, and they turned around, heading towards the apartment block.

***

Gerard had never felt so happy to walk into his shitty apartment block. It may have been one of the worst ones around, but at least it sheltered them from the howling wind. They made their way up the stairs until they reached Gerard’s door. He fumbled with the keys for a few seconds as he attempted to make his numb fingers to hold the key. After a few tries, he managed to get the key into the keyhole, and unlocked the door.

He sighed and walked into the hallway, followed closely by Frank. Frank mumbled something about making coffee for them both, and made his way into the kitchen, taking off his coat as he went.

Gerard went in the opposite direction – to his bedroom. He threw his coat onto the floor and dumped the bag of art things onto his desk. He still wasn’t sure what he was going to do with them, but now he didn’t have an excuse not to start something. Like Frank had told him, people loved cliché Christmas scenes – children playing in the snow, large fires, Santa – but he knew he couldn’t work those into a sellable comic. He hated the idea of commercialising his art, but he didn’t have another option. This was only a push in the right direction, he told himself. Once he became more known locally, he could start doing what he wanted and still make money from it. It just took time to reach that point.

Deciding not to dwell on it any more, he unbuckled his belt and slipped off his jeans to change into his pyjamas bottoms. He walked around his room, trying to find a clean pair he knew put somewhere. He checked his drawers, but came back with nothing. He groaned, remembering he hadn’t done the laundry yet. He picked up the pair that he left on his bed. They didn’t look bad – they were just a little creased.

He quickly slipped them on, instantly feeling warmer than before.

He padded out of his room and towards the living room. He could hear the sound of muffled voices coming from the other room and the sound of bells. He laughed to himself quietly as he turned the corner.

Frank was sat on the sofa with a blanket pooled around his waist, intently watching _Elf_. As much as Gerard’s wanted to run and get a camera to take a picture of the moment, he decided against it and sank down on the seat next to him.

Frank didn’t notice Gerard was in the room, never mind that he was about to sit down beside him, as the next thing he felt was boiling coffee landing on his lap. He swore loudly – partly due to the pain, and partly due to the shock – and put the mug down on the coffee table quickly.

“How do you manage to do that?” Frank asked as he tried to remove some of the liquid from the blanket. He silently sighed to himself, knowing it would leave an ugly brown stain. Gerard tilted his head to the side, displaying as much fake innocence as he could. “You know what I mean. You just sneak around – you’re like a bloody cat or something.”

Gerard smiled up at his smugly. Frank groaned. “This is going to stain, you know?” Gerard shrugged. “You don’t care?” he asked.

“Not really – it’s only a blanket, it’ll be fine.” Frank shook his head disbelievingly. “What are you watching?”

“ _Elf_ ,” he replied, sitting back down next to Gerard. “It was just on TV. It’s not like there’s much on at this time of the year, either.”

“Aw,” Gerard cooed. “You’ve finally warmed to Christmas. I knew this time would finally come in your old age-“

“I’m the same age as you,” he pointed out.

“-and that you’d finally see the magic of the holiday,” Gerard finished, giggling at Frank’s look of utter despair.

“You know I still think Christmas fucking sucks, and even in my so-called ‘old age’, my opinion won’t change. Halloween is _so_ much better – and it’s not just because I was born then.”

Gerard looked at him, his eyebrow raised, not believe that he couldn’t have a person’s opinion. Deep down, he knew that Frank enjoyed at least _one_ thing about the season – whether it was the lights or the atmosphere, he didn’t care what it was. He didn’t think it was humanly possible to hate _everything_ about it.

***

By the time they finished arguing, the film had finished over an hour ago, and the sun was setting, flooding the living room with orange glow. Without the small amount of warmth from the sun, it had become a lot colder, too. Gerard shivered and stood up to put the heating on. Frank groaned at the loss of body warmth next to him, making Gerard chuckle. He nodded towards the heating, trying to ignore the sad puppy-dog eyes Frank was giving him to come and sit down again.

The heating always made a low grumbling noise as the hot water flowed through the old pipes. He knew it wasn’t the best, or the most efficient, but he was one of the few people in the apartment block who had working central heating; he had to be grateful with what he was given.

He quickly made his way back to the couch, not liking the cold floor on his feet, and threw the blanket that Frank was using over himself without a second thought.

“You don’t mind?” he asked, fluttering his eyelids innocently at Frank, only to break out into a grin seconds later.

“N- no,” Frank replied in shock. Gerard smiled at him and edged closer to him. “You’re cold,” he groaned, but didn’t push Gerard away, enjoying the physical contact too much. When he was with Dan, they hardly cuddled. Once they reached their fourth anniversary, the novelty of it quickly died out. They acted like an old married couple most of the time. They were hardly intimate – only sharing a few kisses here and there. They just greeted each other in the morning just as they went off to work, talked about their day, and then went to bed. It was a routine for them – nothing else ever happened. Even though the entail spark had gone, he still believed that he loved his ex then, or forced himself not to accept that their relationship was dying before his eyes. If anything, he didn’t want to end it and know he had wasted seven years of his life with one man who he didn’t love anymore.

“What are you thinking about?” Gerard asked. He tested his luck and gently rested his head on Frank’s shoulder. Frank wrapped an arm around Gerard’s waist and pulled him closer to his body. Gerard smiled to himself.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” Frank whispered, resting his cheek on the top of Gerard’s head.

Gerard nuzzled closer to Frank, making him sigh contently. “It has to be something. You seem sad all of a sudden. What’s up?” he pressed, not accepting his answer.

“I don’t love Dan – well, I hadn’t for a while.” Gerard hummed and nodded slightly, not too sure where Frank’s confession had come from. “I just realised I wasted so many years with that man, and I think it was really...one sided. He loved me, I think, but I just didn’t after a while. I think I was just too scared to late go of something I’d become used to for years, you know?”

“He was like a security net?” Gerard suggested.

“Exactly,” Frank said quietly. “Maybe it was time to let go years before he kicked me out.” He cringed. He’d completely forgotten that Dan had kicked him out instead of him just leaving by choice. “But I was too scared and so unprepared – financially, at least. He was the person who earned the most money. How selfish am I?” he laughed sadly at himself.

“You aren’t selfish. It’s a natural thing – you want to keep hold of all those little luxuries you had.”

Frank stayed quiet, trying to think of a way to sum up how he was feeling. So many different thoughts and emotions clouded his mind; it made him feel dazed and overwhelmed. He couldn’t decide what was going on anymore. He felt a strange sense of loss and regret at the revelation that the person he thought he loved wasn’t Dan. He didn’t mean to lead him on for years. Both of them could have ended it on mutual grounds instead of ending it like it had done.

He started to pet Gerard’s hair, like he had done for him when they were teenagers years ago. He looked down at the man, who was peacefully resting his head on his shoulder, and finally managed to work everything out.

“So,” Gerard sighed, and broke the silence. He adjusted his body so he could make eye contact with Frank without lying at an awkward angle. “You don’t love him, and you hadn’t for a while?” he summarised for Frank.

Frank nodded silently, and swallowed his nerves. “I don’t love _him_ ,” he confirmed. “I love _you_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update. I've been super busy with work and going to university open days, so I haven't had time. But, I hope this makes up for it all? After 36k+ words, things are _finally_ happening! xo


	13. Chapter 12

Gerard felt his blood run cold, and he shifted to the opposite end of the sofa. He must have misheard Frank; there was no way he just confessed his love – not after being separated for a decade. Frank had dated other people, and managed to hold down a long-term relationship. Love for another person couldn’t stay after all of that. It just wasn’t possible.

If Frank loved him so much, why did he abandon everyone – abandon him? Even if he wanted to move on and forget about his past, they could’ve done it together, he didn’t have to leave them without explaining what he was planning. He clearly remembered his mom crying when Frank failed to turn up to the birthday celebration they threw him. What he did was heartbreaking and fucking selfish, in Gerard’s opinion. If Frank just told them, Donna would have tried her best to help – she would have done anything for him.

Gerard’s mind was still racing, and his heart rate started to pick up. He couldn’t say he loved the other man back, even if it was true – it was too soon. They’d only decided to start again less than a week ago, and he couldn’t forget the feeling of desertion that didn’t leave him throughout the previous years.

“Are you going to say anything?” Frank asked awkwardly from the other side of the couch. Gerard saw him starting to pick at the skin around his nails – a nervous habit he’d had for as long as they had known each other. Gerard didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. “I knew it was too soon. I shouldn’t have said anything...” Frank mumbled, keeping his eyes cast downwards on his nails.

Frank looked like he was going to cry, and it made Gerard’s heart sink. He did love Frank a lot – probably too much for what he’d done to him and his family – but didn’t have any words to describe how he felt.

The atmosphere quickly became awkward, with only the sound of Frank’s shallow breathing breaking through the silence.

“I...” Gerard stammered, still unsure with exactly what he was going to say. “Frank, I – I don’t love you.” He heard Frank whimper sadly. “You left me, and you expect me to come running into your arms just like that?”

“No,” Frank sighed, still picking at the skin around his fingernails. Gerard swore he saw small droplets of blood forming as he tore away at his hands. “I shouldn’t have said anything... You’re right, it’s too soon. Forget I said anything, okay? This didn’t happen.”

Gerard edged closer to Frank until they were sat beside each other again. “It’s complicated. I care for you,” he said in a soft voice. He placed his hands on top of Frank’s, slowly linking their fingers so the other man could stop destroying his skin as Gerard watched. He couldn’t ignore the way Frank flinched when he first gently held his hand. “I care for you a lot – how couldn’t I? But love... not yet. Just give it time.” He gave Frank a small smile, trying to stop the rejected look on his face coming back.

“Right,” Frank whispered, looking down at the floor so he didn’t have to make eye contact with the man beside him. “I’m still sorry.”

Gerard hushed him, not wanting to hear his apologies anymore. “How about we just watch some other Christmas movies until we pass out, or you accept you like the holiday.” Frank groaned, but still reached over to grab the remote, putting a random movie channel on.

***

Light streaming through the window brought Gerard out of his deep sleep. He instantly knew he’d slept too late, and groaned in annoyance. He had to start the drawings he promised to do, and he’d managed to waste half the day asleep.

He sat up in bed, letting the duvets pool around his waist as he stretched, clicking his stiff muscles. He gazed around his bedroom and quickly remembered the art supplies he’d thrown in the corner of the room. They were still there, in the plastic bag, waiting to be used. He knew he had enough to make a start, but he didn’t know where to begin with it all. All they had to be with cliché and appealing to people: snow, Santa, kittens in Christmas hats – shit like that. As many times as he told himself that it was worth it, he couldn’t stop the soul destroying feeling that washed over him when he thought about it.

Gerard couldn’t dwell in his thoughts for long, as a loud crash and scream came from the kitchen. He bolted up from the bed, and ran towards the door. He didn’t know what caused the noise, or what he’d see when he entered the room. Part of his was expecting the worst – perhaps a break in by some deranged person from a few doors down. He didn’t put it past the people in the apartment block. He’d been living in the same place for just over six years, and he was surprised someone hadn’t kicked down his door and killed him in his sleep yet.

He skidded around the corner, panting heavily, and saw Frank staring down at the sink. Although he looked unharmed, he was holding a knife in his hand with various plates surrounding him on the floor. Gerard didn’t know what to make of it. The apartment still looked intact, so no one had broken in. What had made Frank scream?

“S-sorry,” Frank apologised quickly. He placed the knife on the work surface and bent down to pick up the plates on the floor.

“What happened? What made you scream like someone was hurting you?” Gerard asked, still out of breath.

“I was going to make us lunch and then I saw a spider run across the wall. I panicked.”

“A spider?” Gerard questioned, feeling his panic quickly turn into anger. Frank nodded and turned around to face Gerard. “You... you screamed like that because of a goddamn spider?!”

“I – it was _big_!” Frank defended himself, raising his voice a little.

Gerard muttered under his breath and walked towards the sink where the spider was. He was anticipating a tarantula-sized spider waiting for him, but he when he looked down and saw a normal house spider sitting in the sink, he sighed and rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes. He didn’t believe it.

“Frank, it’s not big. Pass me a glass and some paper, I’ll get it out.” Frank rushed around the small apartment, finding what Gerard needed to get the horrible animal out of the house and into the cold where it belonged. He _hated_ spiders. He couldn’t stand how they moved, how they looked – anything about them. They way they scuttled everywhere made him feel sick, and when they went missing somewhere in the room, he couldn’t properly relax until it was found and outside.

Shyly, he handed the glass and paper, hating how he made such a fuss he made. Whenever he saw a spider crawl across his ceiling when he was younger, his parents did nothing to get rid of it. When he went to them to ask if they could put it outside his father shouted at him, telling him to grow up and that it wouldn’t hurt him. He’d spend sleepless nights searching for the fucking bug, hoping it died in his room.

“Thanks.” Gerard gave Frank a quick smile and put the covered the spider with the glass. Frank cringed as he saw it place its legs on the glass. Gerard slipped the paper underneath the spider, ensuring that there wasn’t any way that it could escape, and picking it out of the sink.

Gerard heard Frank whimper in fear as he walked past him to get out of the apartment block. He could remember Frank being slightly scared of any bug he came across when they were teenagers, but he thought it was something people grew out of...

Whilst Gerard was gone, Frank set about cleaning up the mess he made. Plates and cutlery were scattered on the floor; luckily none of the crockery smashed. He picked it all up again, putting it back into the washing up bowl, telling himself he’d finish it later.

He made his way into the living room, and sat down. He still regretted telling the other man that he loved him so out of the blue. It wasn’t like they were having a heart-to-heart beforehand, it just came out. He didn’t mean to say it... it just happened, and now he couldn’t take it back – not that he wanted to anyway. It had only happened the night previously, and Gerard didn’t bring it up. Perhaps he had already forgotten. If he had forgotten, it would make everything slightly less awkward and he looked the person who didn’t love him back in the eyes.

He thought back to what Gerard had said. He didn’t say no, but on the other hand, he didn’t say yes. There was still some hope, Frank told himself. It would just take him time; he’d wait forever if he had to.

He heard the sound of the door opening again, and saw Gerard walking back into his house, but without the spider. Frank let out a sigh of relief and gave the other man an apologetic look.

“You’re still scared of spiders?” Gerard asked as he put the glass in the sink and paper in the bin on his way into the living room. Frank shrugged and looked away from Gerard. “I thought people grew out of that...”

Frank felt the cushion dip as Gerard sat down next to him. “Evidently not,” he grumbled, still not looking towards Gerard.

“It’s gone now. You scared me – I didn’t know what was happening... I thought someone finally broke in,” he said, laughing slightly.

“Broke in?” Frank asked, facing Gerard with a concerned expression on his face. “Were you expecting anyone to break in?”

“Of course not, but have you seen this place? It wouldn’t surprise me if someone did eventually.”

Frank stayed quiet for a few seconds. He guessed Gerard was right. It wasn’t the friendliest looking place, or the safest. It was probably one of the cheapest places he could find at the time, and it was only slightly better than living on the streets – at least this place gave him a roof over his head.

“You keep on saying it’s so shitty, so why don’t you move out and find somewhere that isn’t full of drug dealers and prostitutes?”

Gerard let out a humourless laugh. “Believe me, Frank, I’d love to move out, but I don’t have the money to afford anywhere else. I can hardly pay the rent for this shithole.”

“I could get us... I mean _you_ a new place. I still have Dan’s card,” he suggested without thinking.

“You think I’d be fine with stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from your ex-boyfriend? You said he was rich, but I doubt he’s a multibillionaire. I’m sure he’d notice that. Nice thought, though,” Gerard smiled, gently poking Frank’s side. “You said you were making lunch before. We should finish that – I’m _starving_.”

***

Gerard couldn’t remember that last time he sat down and drew something. He’d done a handful of sketches in his sketchbook over the years, but they were just for his eyes. This was completely different. He had to sell these ones. They had to be perfect – flawless. He didn’t want to give a happy customer a half-arsed drawing of a child running through the snow, especially not if they were _paying_ him for it.

He’d been sat at his desk for over an hour, tapping the end of his pencil on the wooden surface in a random rhythm. He was the only one in the apartment as Frank had decided to go out and finally go shopping for groceries. After having the constant noise from another person with him, the silence was less than welcome.

He’d managed to scribble down some outlines, but they weren’t forming a picture or anything worth selling. They all looked armature – rough around the edges and childish. No one would want to buy them – he certainly wouldn’t. He tried to get inspiration from the internet, but they didn’t help. They were all the same: boring and uncreative.

He knew he couldn’t complain all day. If he wanted to get anywhere with his art career he needed to start now. He was getting closer and closer to thirty, and if he didn’t get recognition soon, he had a horrible feeling that he art would be discovered when he was lying on his deathbed. Plus, the holiday season was impending – he couldn’t miss it. It was his only real chance to _finally_ escape his shitty job and asshole boss.

Frank promised he’d find a way to promote him in the local newspaper or whatever he wrote for. He’d manage to work around his boss, give Gerard a review and recommend people to buy his creations. It all seemed so simple at the start, but he didn’t account for having some kind of creative blank.

How did he manage to graduate from SVA and not come up with the simplest ideas? Wasn’t this what he was good at?

Gerard groaned and rested his head on the cold surface of his desk. Pens, pencils and papers littered the area, and the trashcan was full of rejected sketches. He was getting _nowhere_ , but he refused to give up and sit in the living room. He had to get something done. If they were unique and one-of-the-kind, people would surely buy them for a higher price, right? He just needed to draw out five or six, and then he’d be done. It would make him some money, and enough to pay Frank back for all the things he bought him in the art store.

He stopped tapping his pencil on the wooden surface, and placed it to the paper in front of him. If he looked festive enough, people would buy it. Besides, people around this time became desperate for gifts for their loved ones – they’d buy anything shown to them.

***

Frank walked around the local supermarket, basket in hand. He’d written down a short shopping list with the essentials and a few Christmas items that he needed to pick up. Shopping without Gerard proved a lot less stressful. There wasn’t someone clinging to him, or someone who constantly needed to be reminded that no one was going to harm them.

The store was pretty much empty as many people were at work. He walked around the empty aisles, taking what he needed from the shelves. The basket quickly filled up with what they needed, alongside random Christmas decorations. Gerard’s apartment may have been dismal for most of the year, but he didn’t want it to be lifeless over the festive period – no matter how much he hated it. When he lived with Dan, they’d always put up a tree, covered it with lights, tinsel and other decorations. It looked ridiculous, but his ex seemed to enjoy it.

He checked his list a few times, making sure he’d picked up everything. Once he was certain he had, Frank walked towards the cash registers. There was only a few staff there, each wearing a Christmas hat, like they did in the art store.

“Did you find everything you needed today, sir?” the young woman behind the register asked. Frank nodded, giving her his friendliest smile. She scanned all the items in the basket and put them in the plastic carrier bags. When everything was in the bags, she told him the total cost. He handed her the money, telling her to keep the change – “it’s a Christmas gift,” he told her. She thanked him, and wished him a merry Christmas and a happy New Year as he made his way towards the exit.

Ducking his head against the cold wind, he walked out of the building. He’d managed a few steps before bumping into someone.

“Sorry,” they said in unison. Frank instantly recognised the voice of the other man standing in front of him. He looked up and swallowed.

“Frank,” Dan deadpanned with a small nod. His eyes darted over Frank’s face, like he was trying to work out if it actually was him.

“H-hi, Dan,” Frank stuttered in shock. He didn’t think his ex-boyfriend would be here. He was sure he had work today, but was evidently on a break from his job over Christmas. Shit.

“How’s Jerard?” he asked, deliberately getting his name wrong.

“His name is Gerard; you know that,” Frank whispered. “But he’s fine. Why?”

Dan shrugged. “Just wanted to know how your alcoholic boyfriend is doing,” he replied coldly. “I bet he’s slumped on some park bench, or in a bar. I know what they’re like...”

Frank felt a pang of anger in the pit of his stomach. Gerard may have had problem with alcohol, but he was getting better. Frank hadn’t seen him drink since he arrived, and Mikey had told him that he was coming up to a month sober.

“He isn’t my boyfriend, and he’s at home – one hundred percent sober,” Frank spat. He didn’t have time for Dan’s bullshit. He knew he was jealous and heartbroken, and only wanted to get a reaction from him. He didn’t want to stand outside and cause a scene by yelling, and he could feel his hands and fingers become painfully cold, too.

“When I saw him last, he didn’t look too good. Don’t you feel guilty that you caused him to do that to himself? – Nearly drinking himself to death.”

“Fuck off, Dan,” Frank seethed. “It wasn’t my fault – you’re just saying that to get inside my head and it won’t work.”

“You can’t deny the fact that your selfishness added to it. You fucked off, left him _and_ his family. Didn’t they help you through that court case when you were just being pushed around by your parents? Didn’t they take you into their home for a while? All that time they wasted on you and this is how you repaid them? Selfish bitch,” Dan said calmly – too calmly.

“You know nothing about what my life was before I met you, and I would’ve loved to keep it that way, but you had to go and find out everything about me.”

“You told me _nothing_ , Frank! I got suspicious. People in relationships don’t hide details like that from their lover – it’s wrong!” Dan shouted. People in the car park looked over with interest, but didn’t move to see what was going on.

“I tried to repress the memories of it. Believe it or not, I don’t actually like remembering being abused by my parents! I just wanted to _forget_ and move on with my life,” Frank cried. It was stupid. He only came out to buy food, not get into a fight with his ex. He needed to get home – somewhere safe and away from Dan.

“Repress the memories,” Dan mocked. “I don’t know if what you’re telling me is the truth. For all I know, you may not be called Frank Iero, I don’t know what to believe anymore. You built our whole relationship on lie after lie and it only ended up with me kicking you out to live with your depressed boyfriend-”

“He’s not-“

“- But I get it, I really do. You just wanted to go to someone who was too broken to tell you no – to take advantage of them.”

Frank started at the man in front of him in shock. He’d never seen Gerard as ‘broken’, perhaps damaged, but never ‘broken’. The thought of taken advantaged of him never crossed his mind. Who would he take advantages of someone so vulnerable? It made no sense, and the idea made him feel nauseous.

He knew Dan was just trying to trigger a reaction from him, and he didn’t want to give in. All he needed to do was walk away, and hope they never crossed paths ever again.

“Look, Dan. I don’t have time for this shit, alright? I need to get back to Gerard since I love him more than I ever loved you.” He quickly turned around, leaving Dan glaring after him, utterly speechless.

***

Frank flung the door open, not caring if the handle hit the wall behind. If it made a hole, he’d pay someone to fix it. If anything, it just added one more to the selection of many; he was sure Gerard wouldn’t care.

He stormed through the apartment and into the kitchen, throwing the bag of shopping onto the small table in the corner. He watched as some of the items fell out and hit the floor with a loud bang. They were probably fine – tins only dented, it didn’t matter how they looked.

“What –?” Gerard started as he entered the kitchen, much like he did earlier in the day. He had pen ink covering his hands and small specks of paint in his hair. Clearly, he’d started on making the Christmas artworks. “What’s going on? Why did you throw things on the floor?”

“Dan was at the supermarket,” Frank explained. He unzipped his coat and threw it on the back of a chair. “He said some shitty things about you and my past.”

Gerard made a sympathetic noise and approached Frank slowly. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve heard it all, and he only said it to get you to react. Don’t let him win.” He placed a cautious hand on Frank’s upper arm.

“He pisses me off so much. I’m glad he kicked me out – I don’t know how I managed to live with the bastard for so long,” Frank ranted angrily.

Gerard sighed. He didn’t know what to do to help. He just had to wait for Frank to eventually calm down, and then show him the three pieces he had managed to complete.

“He’s so...ugh!” Frank exclaimed. “He thought I was lying about my parents, you know? What kind of sick fuck lies about _that_?!”

“He was just trying to get a reaction from you,” Gerard repeated as he started to rub small circles on Frank’s arm. “I know you aren’t lying – does that count?”

Frank stepped away from Gerard’s touch and turned to face him. His eyed Gerard’s lips quickly. They looked so soft and perfect... so kissable. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Dan, and he wanted to forget everything about him: his face, his voice, his smell his taste...

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Frank said in a hushed tone, licking his lips. Before Gerard could reply, his lips were crushed against Frank’s. He let out a surprised sound, not expecting the sudden intimacy. Frank pushed harder – desperate to remove Dan from his memory. Gerard stumbled backwards and painfully hit his back on the corner of the work surface.

“What – what are you doing?” Gerard panted as he moved his head to the side to get air into his lungs.

“Kissing you,” he replied, leaning in to kiss him again.

“No, wait.” Frank groaned, not having the patience to wait much longer. “Here,” Gerard whispered, wrapping his arms around Frank’s neck and pulling him closer. Gerard connected their lips, but this time a lot less harsh, and more loving than desperate.

Frank let his eyes flutter closed and as Gerard deepened the kiss. It felt surreal for both of them, because neither of them thought they’d be making out in Gerard’s filthy kitchen earlier that day.

Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard’s middle, pulling him closer into some form of embrace. It was nice to feel so close to someone, especially after not seeing them for years. Frank thought it would’ve been an awkward kiss – much like their first when Mikey walked in on them.

“What are you laughing about?” Gerard mumbled with his lips still attached to Frank’s. He shook his head, but pulled back to breath.

“I was just remembering our first kiss when Mikey walked in on us.” Gerard closed his eyes sighed. “Yeah, it was embarrassing, but he’s not here now, so...” He cocked an eyebrow.

Gerard opened his eyes and smiled brightly at the man standing in front of him. “As tempting as that sounds, we should put all the shopping away – I bet the frozen stuff has already defrosted by now, but it’ll do.”

Frank huffed as the older man moved his arms from around his neck, but Frank kept his around Gerard’s waist – not letting him go.

“You need to let me go, Frankie,” Gerard murmured. “Once it’s away, we can continue were we left off, but somewhere more comfortable this time? I probably have a bruised spine because of that fucking corner.” Frank laughed, but loosened his grip of Gerard. As he moved his hands, he lightly stroked his fingers over his hipbones, causing Gerard to moan softly.

“Stop it,” he said fondly, gently slapping Frank’s hands away. “Shopping now, that later. Alright?” he asked, walking towards the bags which were still thrown all over the floor.

Frank nodded silently, but followed after him with a smirk on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow updates again (sorry!) As always, it's because of school and open days. However, I wrote this in a day, and after God knows how many words, things are FINALLY happening between them.
> 
>  
> 
> (I still haven't look over this as it's 1AM, and I needed to get this one out -- I'll look for typos and grammar mistakes later on)
> 
> xo


	14. Chapter 13

“I’m bored,” Gerard whined from the other side of the sofa. Frank had been trying to find someone to buy his artwork that he’d slaved over for hours. He was grateful for it, knowing he wouldn’t have had an idea where to look, he Frank had be staring at his laptop for hours and had hardly said a thing. “You’re not fun,” he complained, grabbing a cushion from behind him and throwing it at Frank, successfully landing on his laptop.

Gerard heard Frank mutter something under his breath, but crawled across the seat to reach his boyfriend. He gently rested his head on the other man’s shoulder and looked up at him.

“What, Gerard?” Frank asked irritably. Gerard ignored his tone, and started to nuzzle into his boyfriend’s neck a little. He heard Frank make a small, displeased sound and pushed him back.

“I’m bored,” Gerard whispered, looking down so Frank couldn’t see the tears forming in his eyes. He hated being rejected.

“You think this is fun? I’ve been doing this _all_ day, and I still can’t find a thing. It’s all for you, I could let you do it, but I’m not. Go and call Mikey if you’re so bored. You haven’t talked to him in a week or so. He probably thinks I’ve killed you or something,” Frank snapped.

Gerard crawled backwards and off the sofa. He walked to their bedroom, making sure he left as much space between himself and Frank as he could, in fear that Frank would suddenly turn violent.

***

When Mikey picked up the phone, the first thing he heard was his brother’s pitiful tears. He didn’t know what was going on, and Gerard was sobbing too hard to form a proper sentence. Between laboured breathes and small cries, Mikey managed to make out the word ‘Frank’, and that was it.

Gerard kept on crying, and Mikey knew that he’d start to make himself be sick if he didn’t stop soon.

“You need to calm down, Gee. What happened?” His brother didn’t reply, but he heard the faint sound of someone gagging. He’d already made himself feel sick and it had only been a few minutes. “Gerard, speak to me!”

“Frank... he – I don’t feel too good, Mikey,” Gerard cried down the phone. He gagged again, feeling his throat and stomach tighten. He felt like he was going to die.

“You’re having a panic attack,” Mikey replied. “You need to calm down, okay? Take some deep breaths and close your eyes. You’ve just worked yourself up too much.”

Gerard stayed silent, but he could still his brother’s sobs and coughing in the distance. He didn’t know what Frank had done, but he felt himself become angrier and angrier. He knew Frank staying with Gerard wasn’t a good idea. They should’ve just stayed away from each other, and he regretted ever setting them up. He could never have imagined things turning out like this. He didn’t expect Frank’s boyfriend to leave him, and for him to turn up on Gerard’s door looking like a lost puppy. He knew his brother would’ve have been able to turn him away, knowing that he was still head over heels for him, despite what he’d done to him.

Mikey heard the phone drop on the bed, and the sound of someone being sick quickly followed. Mikey cringed to himself, not liking how this was going. His brother had suffered from panic attacks before, but nothing this bad.

Gerard’s sobbing continued, but this time it was more from disgust. At least the gagging had finally stopped, even if it was too late.

“Frank’s mad at me,” Gerard said sadly.

“Frank’s mad at you?” Mikey repeated. Frank had developed a short temper over the years, so Mikey instantly jumped to conclusions. “He didn’t hit you, did he?” he asked quietly.

“N – no! He’d _never_ do that,” Gerard gasped in horror. “He just snapped at me.” Mikey made a small encouraging sound, trying to make his brother tell him what had happened. “He was looking for somewhere to sell my art, and he got annoyed. I was bored! He’d been doing it for so long. Now he hates me.” Gerard had started to cry again.

“He doesn’t hate you. He was just stressed – finding a good place for you must be hard for him,” Mikey comforted his brother. “Don’t cry.”

“If he didn’t hate me then, he’s going to hate me now,” he said quietly, looking down at the mess he’d just made.

“But it is your apartment, Gerard,” Mikey reminded him. “He can’t hate you for that, anyway. It was his fault you threw up.”

Gerard took a deep breath, feeling his stomach turn from the smell that was engulfing the room. “It’s disgusting, Mikey. It’ll never come out of the carpet. I’ll have to buy a new one – I don’t have the money for that.”

“I’ll buy a new one for you. You’ve needed a new one in your room for years now. It’ll be an early Christmas gift from me,” Mikey said, trying to lighten the mood. He heard Gerard groan sadly at the suggestion. He knew that his brother hated being looked after, but sometimes he needed the help forced upon him until he had no choice but to accept it.

No one spoke for a while, the only sounds which broke it was his older brother’s shallow breathing and quiet cries. Mikey knew he couldn’t comfort anyone over the phone properly – especially someone who’d make themselves so upset that they threw up.

“I’m going to come over, okay. Just... Just stay where you are. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up before Gerard could protest.

***

Frank could hear his boyfriend crying down the phone to his brother. He didn’t think that his tone of voice would cause him to cry like that. He was stressed and tired, and didn’t mean to snap at Gerard. It had just happened. He didn’t realise Gerard had become so sensitive...

He continued scrolling through endless pages of places where Gerard could finally sell his art, but they were either in another state or had closed weeks ago. At this rate, he wouldn’t find anything until next year, and that just wouldn’t work if he wanted Gerard out of his old job as quickly as possible.

He tried to ignore the sobs coming from their room, along with the gagging sounds. It was heartbreaking, but he didn’t know what to do. He knew that he’d be the last person Gerard wanted to see right now.

Once the muffled sounds of Gerard speaking had died down, a stony silence replaced it. Obviously Gerard wasn’t going to come out of their room any time soon, so Frank just had to wait until he decided to move.

He groaned to himself, not liking how it was going. They were meant to be happy for once – especially around this time of the year. It was meant to be their first Christmas together in years, and he didn’t expect it to go like this. At least he knew to be more careful around Gerard now.

A sharp knock on the door broke the silence. Frank didn’t have to guess who it was, and he knew Gerard had called his brother to come over. He placed his laptop on the coffee table, and stood up.

“Open the fucking door or I’ll kick it down!” Mikey threatened from the hallway, knocking on the door again.

“I’m coming,” Frank sighed as he made his way to the door. He didn’t know what to expect when he opened it, but he prepared himself to be punched by the person on the other side.

Carefully, he unlocked the door, letting it swing open. Within seconds, Mikey was standing in the small hallway and glaring at Frank.

“Where is he?” Mikey asked, still looking like he was wishing death upon Frank.

“In the bedroom,” Frank replied. “Look, I didn’t mean to-“

“Whatever,” Mikey cut him off as he walked the short distance to bedroom door. “I don’t care what you have to say. You left him in there when he was panicking. Did you bother to go and check to see that he was okay?” Frank stayed silent. “Exactly! You didn’t shit.” Mikey stormed through the door, and out of Frank’s sight.

***

When Mikey entered the room, the first thing he saw was his brother curled up on the bed, with his knees pressed tightly to his chest. If it wasn’t for his shaking breaths, anyone would think he was asleep.

Mikey walked around the vomit on the floor, trying to ignore the bitter smell coming from it. It was disgusting, but he’d buy the room a new carpet and find some air fresheners soon.

“Hey,” Mikey said softly, sitting at the end of the bed. He gently touched his brother’s getting, successfully getting his attention.

Gerard let out a groan, and lifted his head to catch his brother’s eye. He knew he looked a mess – red rimmed eyes, messy hair, and pale – everything he didn’t want to be. It reminded him of when he used to drink and woke up with a hangover. He didn’t like it.

“He – he yelled at me. I don’t want him to be angry – everything was going so well,” he cried softly. “What if he leaves? I don’t want him to go. I’ll kill myself if he goes – I can’t go through it again.”

“Don’t say that,” Mikey said firmly. “He isn’t going to leave, and you are _not_ going to kill yourself. Too many people would miss you if you did.”

Gerard laughed disbelievingly. He didn’t think anyone would miss him. Frank wouldn’t – certainly not now. Mikey had his girlfriend, and would get over it. Ray? They hadn’t spoken in years. And his mother? She didn’t want to speak to him ever again. It would probably be doing her a favour.

“I know what you’re thinking, so stop it. You’re only going to make yourself worse. Frank doesn’t hate you. Has he ever said that he did?” Gerard shook his head slowly. “See, he doesn’t hate you. I don’t hate you...”

“Mom does,” Gerard whispered.

“Mom doesn’t hate you, either. She loves you – you’re her son. Yes, you’ve had your own issues, but you’re getting over them. Maybe in the New Year we could all get together. It’s been long enough.”

“But she stopped talking to me, Mikey. Why would she ever want to see me again? I’ve done _nothing_ with my life. I’m an artist without a job – who would want that as a son?”

Mikey sighed. “You’re the one who stopped talking to her, not the other way around. Whenever Ella and I visit her, she always asks how you are. Always. She still loves you.”

Gerard shook his head, not trusting his voice to stay steady for long enough to form any words. Even if he decided to get back in touch with his mother, what would he tell her? That he managed to do nothing with his life? That he managed to fuck it all up? Nothing he could say would be positive – it would only add to how much of a failure he had become.

“Come on, stop thinking so negatively. It’s only making you feel worse about yourself. You’re extremely talented and you know it. You just need a little push, right? And that’s what Frank is doing for you. It wasn’t right that he shouted at you, but like I said before, he was stressed and tired. He didn’t mean it,” Mikey said, moving closer to his brother and pulling him up into a hug.

Gerard relaxed into the hug, and sat up properly so the angle wasn’t as awkward. “He said he loved me a few days ago,” he said, hardly loud enough to be heard.

Mikey didn’t know what to say. Hadn’t Frank been with someone else for years? There was no way that he’d still love Gerard after that. He’d recently been broken up with and kicked out, perhaps it was a natural reaction kicking in – love the first person who took you in. Although he thought this, he didn’t say it out lout. Telling Gerard that would crush him, and push him closer to suicide than Mikey wanted to believe.

“Did he?” he asked, trying to keep his voice indifferent. “That’s...nice. Did you say it back?”

“N- no,” Gerard replied. “I was scared. What if he leaves again?”

“He’s not going to leave again. He’s not going anywhere. He made a mistake last time, but he’s learned now,” Mikey reassured his brother as he anticipated another crying fit to happen if he didn’t. He wasn’t sure why he was promising things he couldn’t keep. He had no idea if Frank was going to leave again, but he strongly doubted it.

Gerard didn’t reply, but squeezed his brother tighter, making it a little harder for Mikey to breathe. Although he wanted to try and loosen Gerard’s grip, he opted not to, deciding that it was better than him throwing up again.

A faint knocking sound caused Gerard to let go of Mikey completely, and go back into his previous curled up position on the bed. Mikey sighed quietly as Frank crept into the room. At first, a look of disgust flashed across his face when the smell of sick reached his nose, but it was quickly replaced with one of guilt.

“Frank’s here,” Mikey whispered to his brother. Gerard muttered something, and covered himself with the duvets. “I’ll just go and wait in the other room. You two need to talk, alright?” Mikey stood up from the bed, stepped over the mess on the floor and looked up at Frank.

Frank looked back at Mikey, and tried to give him any sign that he was going to shout at Gerard again, and that he felt bad about what he did. Mikey ignored it, only giving Frank a cold look as he walked out of the room, and closed the door behind him.

He sat down where Mikey did, and looked up at Gerard, who’d completely covered himself in the blankets. He didn’t know what to say to him. He was acting like Frank had hit him.

Frank stayed silent on the edge of the bed, sill not sure what he was going to say once he stated to talk. “Gerard?” No reply. “Gerard?” he said again, but was still greeted with silence. “Baby?”

“I’m sorry. The mess – I’ll clean it up. I promise. Don’t be mad. I didn’t mean it... I overreacted,” Gerard said in a hoarse voice. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Frank felt his heart sink as he heard Gerard’s pitiful voice come from the mass of blankets. He wasn’t meant to be the one apologising. If he’d managed to keep his voice down, none of this would have happened. If he knew that Gerard wasn’t good with being rejected, he would’ve found a different way to ask him to stop. If he just knew how fucking thin-skinned his boyfriend was, he would have done it differently.

“No, _you_ don’t need to apologise, _I_ do. I was just stressed about finding someplace for you to sell your amazing artwork. I don’t want it to go to waste. It’s hard this late in the day. Everything’s either sold out or over... I should’ve said. I’m so sorry, Sweetheart,” Frank said in a low voice, feeling himself become increasingly tearful as he spoke. “And I’m not mad about that. You couldn’t help it. I’ll clean it up later, don’t worry.”

“Mikey said he’d buy a new carpet. Apparently this one is old...”

Frank laughed a little. The carpet looked as old and outdated as the apartment building itself. It was probably time to replace it to something nicer. “It was getting old. Maybe we could get something else? How about wooden flooring? They seem nice,” Frank suggested in an attempt to get his boyfriend to come out from under the blankets he cocooned himself in.

“But wouldn’t that be cold?” Gerard asked, rolling over a little so he could face Frank.

Frank shrugged. “We could get a rug – a really big on that covers the floor.”

Gerard was quiet for a bit, and Frank could see that he furrowed his eyebrows together in deep thought. “Wouldn’t.... that just be like a carpet?” he asked innocently, smiling a little.

“Probably, but it looks nice. We’ll try and find something later. I’ll just call someone to clean this up. I’m no good with sick,” he explained. “But I finally found you somewhere to sell your artwork.” Gerard sat up against the headboard of the bed, and listened to what Frank was telling him. “It is tomorrow, and I know that’s not giving you a lot of time to prepare, but they have everything there – stalls, signs, and so on, so all we need to do is turn up at eight in the morning to set up.”

“Really?” Gerard asked, smiling wider. When Frank nodded, he lunged forwards, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s middle, placing small kisses on his cheek.

“You seem to have forgiven me from before,” Frank chuckled as he embraced Gerard back, enjoying the affection.

Gerard ignored what the other man had said, and continued to hold him tight. He forgot what he’d been so upset about before as the only thing he could think about was how he was _finally_ making a name for himself after all the years. He’d finally achieve his dream of drawing for a living. He’d finally show everyone who doubted him that they were wrong.

“Mikey suggested that I could see my mom again. You should come with me, too. I guess both of us have some apologising to do,” Gerard thought aloud, after he’d stopped kissing Frank.

Frank hesitated, but nodded. He was probably right. They’d have to do it eventually, whether they liked it or not – there wasn’t an excuse anymore. “What about around New Years?” Frank suggested. It gave them enough time to prepare, for Gerard’s career to get off the ground, and for them not to leave it too late.

“Yeah, that’s what Mikey said... We could spend it there? New Years here is always shit. People just come back drunk and start yelling. And there’s always a fight somewhere down the hall. It’s better if we leave here for a bit.”

“So, kind of like a holiday?” Frank asked.

Gerard giggled. “If you think visiting my mother is a holiday, then yes, exactly like a holiday. I’ll get Mikey to call her and see if it’s fine with her.”

“I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to see us,” Frank reassured him, holing his boyfriend closer and kissing the top of his head gently. “We should probably tell Mikey he can go. I can just imagine him going insane with boredom right now.”

Gerard laughed softy, but let go of Frank and stood up. He knew things were going to get better now. He’d finally be able to quit his job, hopefully reconnect with his mother after far too many years, and try and rebuild their family to how it was before they went off to college.

He knew that it wasn’t going to be straight forwards at all, but it was worth a try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are probably going to be slower now because I'm going to go through Early Sunsets and correct all the mistakes there xo


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't checked over this chapter yet, so there might be typos/spelling mistakes xo

Gerard had suggested they walked to the building where the market was being held, but Frank refused, insisting that he’d find them some kind of car to get there. When Gerard started to complain, saying that it was barely a half an hour walk, and with both of them they could carry what they needed, Frank kissed his boyfriend as hard as he could. It was cliché, but worked well enough, and caused Gerard’s cheeks to turn a light shade of pink as he tried to hide a grin.

By some stroke of luck, Frank had managed to find a small van to take Gerard’s painting to the venue a few blocks away. It had taken him a few hours of internet searches and a couple of desperate phone calls, but one person was able to give him something in such short notice which didn’t look like it was going to fall apart the moment he put the key in the ignition. He thanked the person on the other end of the phone multiple times, telling them that he’d collect the van at seven thirty and have it back as soon as they were done.

Once he retrieved the van, he watched his boyfriend walk back and forth, stacks of painting in his arms from the driver’s seat. He looked so focused, trying not to drop anything or trip, as he made his way down the flight of steps towards the curb where the van was parked. Frank had offered to help, but Gerard never accepted it. With each offer came the same response, “I’m fine, don’t worry.” It didn’t take Frank long to give up asking and wait contently for him to finish.

Gerard started to pile his painting in the back of the van, making sure the bubble wrap they were covered in surrounded everything securely; he’d work too hard on them for any of them to become damaged on the short journey there. He double checked the paintings themselves, the way they were placed against one another – everything. It had to be done perfectly. He couldn’t mess it all up now because of his packing skills.

As he closed the doors to the back of their rental van, he gave everything a once-over. He heard Frank laugh in the distance, but he ignored him. It may have looked over the top to anyone else, but Gerard could feel how stressful the drive would become for him. What if they turned a sharp corner and something pierced the thin canvas? What if something smudged? Gerard couldn’t let himself think about what if no one liked them. The anxieties of them not actually making it to the stall plagued his mind.

“Hurry up, Sweetheart,” Frank called from the front of the vehicle. “We’re going to be late if we don’t go _now_.”

Gerard grumbled to himself, and quickly walked to the front of the van where Frank was waiting for him. His boyfriend gave him a supportive smile as he sat down in the passenger seat and put his seatbelt on.

“You look nervous,” Frank commented as he put the key in the ignition. When Gerard didn’t reply, he placed his hand on his boyfriend’s and linked their fingers together. “Are you scared that no one will buy your things? Because, if you are, don’t be – they’re perfect.”

“No, it’s not that,” Gerard murmured, shaking his head slightly. “Just... don’t drive too fast – i don’t want them to get ruined.” Frank laughed at the other man’s concern, knowing that he would have driven responsibly regardless; he wasn’t in the mood to get his licence suspended for a couple of months.

***

The moment Frank brought the vehicle to a stop, Gerard darted out of the passenger seat and around to the back of the van. He wasted no time checking if anything was damaged. With every corner that they took, Frank saw his boyfriend’s face pale – it looked like he was about to pass out most times.

Once he saw Gerard walking back, his arms stacked with his artwork, Frank got out of the van and locked it. He gave Gerard a warm smile, and nodded towards the entrance to the hall. He watched Gerard stagger towards the doorway and laughed to himself as Gerard started to struggle with opening the door.

“Do you need any help?” Frank called, still standing near the van. Gerard shouted something back, but Frank only heard some incoherent sounds through the noise created by the traffic passing on the road behind them.

Evidently, Gerard didn’t need Frank’s assistance as he’d already hurried into the building.

***

It was everything Gerard had anticipated. Stalls lined the walls of the hall, leaving a large open area for people to easily walk between the different stands, loud music played from the speakers around the room, and typical Christmas decoration were dotted around the room – probably in an attempt to make the dull hall more festive.

Gerard looked around the venue quickly, trying to find where he was meant to go. Most people had already set up and were waiting behind their products. Everyone had bright smiles on their faces, but Gerard could see that they were all faked. Everyone looked exhausted and wanted to be anywhere but sat in a cold hall, trying to sell what they’d made. He knew that many people here didn’t have much choice but to stay.

“You look a little lost.” Gerard jumped at the unfamiliar voice. He turned around to the face the way the voice was coming from, and nearly bumped into the man standing beside him. “Hey, I didn’t mean to scare ya’. I’m Harry – the person who organised this.” He stuck his hand out, expecting Gerard to shake it. Gerard didn’t dare move his hands, which were still supporting that pile of paintings he was carrying. He gave Harry a weak smile, and looked down at what he was holding. “Oh – right, sorry. I guess you’re Gerard, then,” he said, looking down at the list he produced from his pocket. “You’re just over there, next to Leila.” The woman standing behind the stand gave him a friendly wave, Gerard nodded awkwardly. “She’s been doing these for a while; she’ll fill you in with everything that happens here. It’s nothing hard – don’t start any trouble and people will be good to you.”

Gerard thanked him and walked over towards his little table. It wasn’t anything amazing or unique. With a small sigh, he put the heavy canvases down on the surface and stretched, relieving some of the tension which had built up in his muscles. He propped up some of his art against small stands they had provided him with. He looked at the stalls opposite him – everyone there had little price tags on their creations, but Gerard didn’t. He didn’t have a price for anything he was planning to sell. He knew roughly the cost of the supplies he used, and knew he needed to make some kind of profit on that, but how much would people spend on his shitty sketches? At the start, he _loved_ what he made, but the longer he looked at them, the more he couldn’t stand them.

“You’re really talented!” someone said. Gerard jumped, again, and blushed at the compliment. “You really are jumpy today.”

“S-sorry,” Gerard stuttered as he tried to regain his composure. He needed Frank here and then he could relax into it. He felt safer when his boyfriend was stood next to him, whispering words of support into his ear whenever he started to feel anxious. Frank should’ve been here, Gerard thought to himself. Where was he?

“You’re really talented,” the person repeated. “I’m surprised I haven’t seen you around before. With art like that you should be famous.” Gerard felt himself blush deeper. He was never the best at accepting compliments about anything – his art, his appearance – to him, they always seemed fake or forced. Years of being criticised for everything single detail at SVA successfully broke his confidence instead of made him gain it, despite what the professors had said.

“Um, thank you?” Gerard replied. He quickly glanced up at the person talking to him, and saw that it was the person who waved at him before – Leila. His first impression was that she seemed nice enough and wouldn’t hurt him. He tried to relax, but couldn’t loosen his shoulders from their stiff position. “What are you selling?” he asked, trying to make small-talk as he looked around the room for Frank. He was getting desperate now.

Leila was happy to answer him. She beckoned him towards her stall, and started to point at the different things she had on offer. She seemed to be selling mainly handmade scarves and gloves. They looked nice, albeit a little generic for Gerard’s liking.

There was only a few minutes until the doors opened, letting the public in. Gerard sat behind his table, trying to think of appropriate prices to sell what he made. He couldn’t think of any, and a nauseous feeling had settled into his stomach as every second passed. He _needed_ Frank with him; he’d be able to sort everything out for him easily.

He had become pathetically depended on Frank too quickly, but he couldn’t help it. It was a strange turn of events...

Just as he started to accept that Frank had left him, the doors swung open and Frank hurried through them. Gerard felt himself instantly relax when he saw the face of his lover glance around the room. He stuck his hand up, waving until he caught the other man’s attention. Frank waved back and hastily walked towards where Gerard was standing.

“Sorry,” he apologised, pulling Gerard into an embrace. “Work called and said it would only take a minute, but clearly not.” Gerard wasted no time in burying his face into the crook of Frank’s neck and breathing in his scent. “I like how you’ve set this out,” he commented, before quickly adding “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Gerard mumbled. “Just nervous.” Frank started to gently stroke his partner’s hair, trying to make him calm down enough to make him let go of him.

Frank could hear the murmuring of voices excited outside the door. He knew they were going to come in at any second, and he needed to get his boyfriend to stand behind his _amazing_ artwork and sell it. After that, he could become more known and never have to step foot into something like this again. It hurt Frank to see how uncomfortable Gerard was in the environment he’d forced himself into, but it was the first step.

Gerard let out a long breath and took a step back from Frank. He gave his boyfriend a weak smile, and stood behind what he’d made, preparing himself for the crowd of people which were going to enter the hall soon.

“You’ll do fine,” Frank said in a low voice, rubbing his back gently. “Remember to smile, be polite-“

“You sound like my mother, Frank,” Gerard laughed quietly.

“-and if you get stuck, I’ll help you out.” Frank managed to finish just before the horde of people in Christmas jumpers streamed into the room. It only took a few seconds for a small group of them walk towards Gerard’s still. At first, he looked slightly flustered, but warmed up to it easily once a steady flow of compliments came his way.

Frank watched on from the side, loving how Gerard almost glowed with pride when complete strangers loved what he had done as much as his friends did.

***

Gerard had sold out by the afternoon, much to his combined joy and sadness. He flicked through the money he’d made – $185 in total. He had given up picking prices for each piece, and asked customers to pay what they thought it was. Frank was surprised when most people paid more than he thought – some people even doubled his estimate on a couple of the smaller works.

They packed up early, not seeing the point in hanging around for longer than they needed to. Gerard said a quick goodbye to Leila, and praised her items again, saying that he would definitely buy one next time. Frank could immediately tell it was a lie, but didn’t want to knock the seller’s ego by pointing it out.

“Was that okay?” Frank asked as they walked towards the van. They still had another four hours with it, and he’d started to think of place they could visit with it. Usually, they would have to go to somewhere local and within walking distance, but not this time.

“It was good – a lot better than I expected,” Gerard replied, a smile spreading across his face. “They actually liked my stuff, Frank!” he exclaimed happily.

“I told you they’d love you, Baby. Anyone with eyes would,” he said softly. Gerard grinned at him and pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth.

“You’re just saying that because you know me,” Gerard said bashfully, knowing that Frank was right. Everyone loved what he’d done. “Anyway, no one would’ve come if you didn’t write about me in whatever you write in, and you’re the person who found the place, remember?”

“It was nothing,” Frank shrugged. When Gerard started to protest, Frank hushed him and sat back down in the driver’s seat. He waited patiently for the other man to sit in the seat next to him. Once they were both in, Frank started to drive down the road in the opposite direction to Gerard’s apartment.

“You’re going the wrong way,” Gerard said hesitantly, looking at Frank cautiously. Surely Frank would know where he lived by now. Gerard started to panic – where was he taking him?

“I know,” Frank replied simply, not taking his eyes off the road or giving any indication where they were heading. It wasn’t like he’d take him anywhere dangerous, Gerard hoped. “Relax. You look tense,” Frank said, reaching over to put his hand on his boyfriend’s thigh.

“Where are we going?” Gerard asked, trying to push the anxiety from his voice. When Frank didn’t respond, Gerard asked again – this time he couldn’t stop his voice shaking in the middle of the sentence.

“Relax. I’m not taking you anywhere _bad._ Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?” Frank rubbed small circles on Gerard’s thigh, trying to get him to calm down a little. “I love you, okay? Why don’t you trust me? It’s a surprise – I can’t tell you where we’re going yet.” Frank took his eyes off the road for a split second, allowing himself to glance over at Gerard who looked paler than usual.

“It’s nothing – forget about it. Keep on driving...”

Frank sighed to himself, but kept on driving along the highway. Why was it so hard to surprise his boyfriend? Shouldn’t it have filled him with excitement and not fear? Was it that Gerard didn’t trust him, and that he thought he was driving to somewhere dangerous? Frank didn’t understand but didn’t press the subject, knowing that Gerard would only shut down on him and refuse to speak for hours.

***

When Frank _finally_ stopped the van, Gerard peeked out of the window. He fully expected to see some kind of wasteland or abandoned building. What he didn’t expect was to see a semi-formal restaurant with white fairy lights placed around the large window frames.

“Where – where are we?” Gerard asked, still gazing out of the window.

“A restaurant,” Frank said, stating the obvious. “Its midday, I’m hungry, it’s near Christmas and I wanted to treat you to something nice rather than getting takeout, again.” Frank got out from the vehicle, and walked around to Gerard’s side, opening the door for him. “Are you just going to sit there, or are we going in? I’m freezing.” He offered his hand to his boyfriend. Gerard took a second to register what was happening, but quickly linked their fingers together.

“This looks really... expensive,” Gerard muttered under his breath as Frank locked the van’s doors.

It _did_ look expensive – far too much for what they could afford, anyway. He didn’t want Frank spending his ex’s money on him; it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t just because it was illegal that made Gerard feel uncomfortable with it, but it was the fact an old boyfriend of Frank’s was buying all the things they did together. It wasn’t right.

“That’s why it’s a treat,” Frank chuckled and shook his head. “And this means we can stay in over Christmas because I can’t stand the crowds then. It’s so boring.”

Gerard stayed silent for a moment, wondering how to ask Frank whether it was his money rather than Dan’s without sounding suspicious – controlling. He sighed and looked down at the floor. “This is your money, right? It’s not Dan’s this time, is it?” he mumbled, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“What? – Oh, no. It’s definitely my money this time. I threw his card away the moment we got back to yours when we bought your art supplies,” Frank said, adding a reassuring smile. He tried to make himself feel guilty for spending almost seventy dollars of someone else’s money, but he couldn’t. No amount of reflecting on it made him feel bad in the slightest, so he ended up giving up. It had happened, he couldn’t take it back and Dan probably hadn’t noticed that the money had even gone from his account. If anything, he suspected that Dan thought he’d spent it on alcohol or something else meaningless.

They walked into the building, and Frank was relieved to see that it wasn’t as crowded as he thought. On the way there, he started to doubt his spontaneous decision to go there. He’d only been to the restaurant a handful of times as it was one of the best places where he could get something vegan, and whoever else was with him could get whatever they wanted – whether it was vegan or not.

Frank quickly got the attention of a young waitress, and she directed them towards a table near the back of the restaurant. She told them that the menus were already on the table and would be over shortly to take their orders. Frank thanked her, and Gerard nodded awkwardly. Frank couldn’t help but notice that his boyfriend was being clingier than normal. Usually, they would walk with some space between them, but not this time. Gerard had pressed himself as close as he could to Frank’s side as they made their way towards the table.

“Are you alright? You’re acting strange,” Frank said in a low voice, making sure only Gerard could hear him.

“I’m fine,” Gerard mumbled, and took a step back from Frank’s side. He tried to give him the most reassuring smile he could manage to try and convince the other man he wasn’t lying. Evidently, Frank believed him as he returned the smile and sat down.

Gerard grabbed the menu and started flicking through the pages. Nothing interested him, but he knew he was going to go for the cheapest option possible. Although Frank was staying at his apartment, he didn’t want to start using up someone else’s money. He knew Frank’s job wasn’t a high-paying one and he was practically unemployed until he any commissions coming through after the New Year.

As promise, the waitress returned with a pen and paper in her hand. “Are you ready to order?” she asked Frank – ignoring Gerard completely.

Frank said what he wanted, pointing at the words on the menu. The waitress kept on giggling whenever he asked a question, and stood with one hip slightly cocked as she brushed her long, brown, hair behind her ear. Gerard didn’t like it. It was obvious she was attracted to Frank, but his boyfriend was trying to block out the signals she was giving off.

Eventually, she turned towards Gerard. She gave him a fake smile, and repeated the question. This time, when he ordered, there wasn’t any giggling or pathetic attempts at flirting with him. It seemed a little cold and as if the waitress wished he wasn’t there so she could continue to flirt with Frank without any interruptions.

The girl walked away, flashing a small smile back in Frank’s direction before she went into the kitchen to give in their order.

Gerard couldn’t get rid of the jealous feeling boiling away in the pit of his stomach, and it only got worse when Frank didn’t seem to make any effort to try and laugh it off – anything to try and stop the jealousy turn into anger.

Frank tried to make small-talk with Gerard, but Gerard never engaged in the conversation, rarely giving Frank a full answer and responding in various hums and mumbles.

The waitress returned to the table with their food and Frank saw his shoulder tense subtly. He lifted an eyebrow at his boyfriend, but he stood up and said he needed to use the bathroom when Frank questioned where he was going.

Once Gerard was out of sight, the waitress resumed her pervious flirtatious posture. Although he didn’t like it, he didn’t have the heart to tell the girl he really, _really_ wasn’t interested. It was rather flattering that someone would hit on him, even if they were of the wrong gender.

“So, who was that?” the girl asked, gesturing towards the direction bathroom. “He seemed angry. Are you brothers or something?”

Frank snorted because of the girl’s ignorance. He didn’t know many brothers who walked into a restaurant hand in hand. “No, he’s not my brother,” he chuckled.

“Isn’t he? Your cousin, then? – But that doesn’t matter. What was his problem?” she asked, lowering her voice so the manager couldn’t hear her.

She must have been new here as she was being extremely unprofessional and only looked around nineteen. Frank would only have to talk to her until someone asked her to help out, which would be hopefully soon for everyone’s sake.

“I’m not sure,” Frank told her truthfully. “He’s been acting a little off all day, but he’s fine.” As soon as he finished his sentence, Gerard emerged from the bathroom, scowling at the young waitress who was still hovering around Frank.

Gerard sat back down at the table, keeping his glair on the employee. The atmosphere quickly turned awkward and tense with Gerard’s presence.

“Enjoy your meals,” the waitress said. Gerard saw her slip sometime just underneath Frank’s plate and walk away, a smile spreading across her lips.

“What’s that?” Gerard said in a hushed tone the moment the girl was out of earshot.

“What’s what?” Frank asked, clearly oblivious to the piece of paper which was just visible.

Gerard groaned and leaned forwards, retrieving the paper from Frank. He wasn’t surprised when he saw a number written neatly on the back of an old order sheet.

“This,” Gerard said, his voice too loud for the peaceful ambience of the restaurant. “I _knew_ she was trying to chat you up. Didn’t you tell her you weren’t interested? Did you tell here you weren’t interested in her entire _gender_?!”

“Shhh,” Frank said quickly. “I was going to, I swear. The conversation didn’t head that way, and when I was going to say you came back.”

Gerard mumbled something under his breath and looked between the piece of paper and Frank a couple of times before talking again. “You are not going to call her. If you do I’ll kick you out before you can even start to apologise.”

“You know I wasn’t going to call her.” Frank leaned across the table, taking the paper from Gerard’s hand. He tore it in half and stuffed the ripped up paper into his pocket. “See – even if I _was_ going to call her, now I can’t. Come on; let’s eat this before it gets cold.”

***

By the time they had finished, Gerard had relaxed considerably. Unlike before, he was now laughing along with Frank and leaning forward to kiss him quickly when no one was looking. They looked – and felt – like naive teenagers on their first date, but without the crippling awkwardness.

Gerard was partway through a story about Mikey falling down a ditch when they were younger, when the waitress returned with their bill. She smiled shyly at Frank as she handed it to him. Gerard rolled his eyes, making sure Frank saw. Frank saw the small gesture, causing him splutter slightly as he tried to disguise a laugh.

“Was everything okay for you?” she asked. Frank nodded politely and put the money onto the small metal tray. She smiled sweetly when she saw he left her a small tip – it wasn’t a compliment to her, he just needed to get rid of some of the change in his wallet.

“It was nice, thank you,” Gerard said, sincerity lacking in his voice. “Can we go now? I’m really tired after this morning,” Gerard whined and looked towards Frank.

“Your cousin is really...needy,” the waitress whispered next to Frank’s ear, ensuring that he was the only one who could hear her comment.

“Yeah, he’s not my cousin,” Frank spoke as he stood up from his chair, closely followed by Gerard. “He’s my boyfriend.” The waitress stared at them, her mouth slightly open in shock. “Are you coming, Love?”

Gerard practically skipped to Frank’s side, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand the second he was close enough. He pressed a light kiss to the side of Frank’s head, making sure the waitress saw him.

“Your – your boyfriend?” the girl asked, her eyes widening.

“Yeah,” Frank shrugged. “It was cute that you were trying to hit on me like that but I’m not interested – obviously. It would probably be best if you focused on your job than trying to pick up random guys here, okay?”

The girl didn’t say anything. She nodded slowly, and took a few steps backwards, giving Frank and Gerard space to walk towards the exit.

***

“I never thought you’d be the jealous type,” Frank thought aloud when they were driving back home.

“I’m not usually,” Gerard whispered, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. “I guess I was still coming down from the stress from the stall.” He probably embarrassed Frank acting like a child. He couldn’t do anything without his constant support. He couldn’t stand in a room full of people without feeling like he was going to have a heart attack. He couldn’t watch someone aimlessly flirt with his boyfriend without becoming extremely jealous of something so little.

He was pathetic in every single way.

“I’m sorry, I probably embarrassed you in the restaurant,” Gerard groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“You didn’t embarrass me, Gerard. It was sweet to see you be so effected by it – it shows you care.”

“I don’t want to share you,” Gerard muttered, his face still covering his face so Frank hardly heard him. Frank grinned to himself – it was probably the closest thing he was going to get to an ‘I love you’, but he’d happily take what he was given.

“Aw,” Frank cooed. “You’re so cute – so perfect.”

“’M not cute or perfect,” Gerard grumbled, refusing to believe anything Frank was saying to him.

“Baby, you’re perfect and you know it,” Frank said softly. He desperately wanted to reach over and stop Gerard from covering his face and pull him into a hug, but they were still driving and wouldn’t be back at the apartment for another half an hour. “I love you, Sweetheart. You’ve been acting strange all day. You’re scaring me.”

“Just tired,” Gerard replied quietly. Frank didn’t believe him at all, but quickly dropped the subject when he knew he wasn’t going to get any answers out of Gerard this time. He’d just have to keep on trying.


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't reread this one (like before). But I feel like Christmas comes up a lot in everything I write, so I can't disappoint you all by not having it as my longest chapter to date xo

“Are you going to call your mom yet?” Frank called out from the bathroom. When Gerard didn’t reply, he let out a small sigh and wrapped a towel around his waist. He grabbed a smaller towel from the hooks on the door and started to dry his hair as he pushed the door ajar. He peered around the corner, checking to see where Gerard was. Just as he thought his boyfriend wasn’t in the apartment anyway, he heard a faint voice coming from the bedroom.

Frank knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, especially when the door was closed, but he stepped out of the bathroom and hovered around the entrance of the room.

“I can’t call them out of nowhere, Mikey.” Frank heard the sound of the bedsprings squeaking and a heavy sigh. “That’s different with you – you see them _all_ the time. I haven’t see them in _years_ , and nor has Frank.”

It was clear Gerard was arguing with his brother about the plans he had to finally call his parent. They both knew it had been far too long – nearly a decade too long.

“What am I meant to say?” Gerard asked exasperatedly. “’Hey mom, I know it’s been over seven years since we last talked, but I’m here. Oh, here’s Frank, too.’? She’s going to be so mad at me for not staying in touch – she _will_ , Mikey. You know she will.”

Donna never seemed like to be someone to become angry with another person. Even when Frank clung to her as a teenager, she didn’t oppose to it; she never pushed him away or showed any signs of discomfort when he did it. She only offered him unconditional love – something he never received from his birth parents. Through everything – the court cases, the endless stuttering, the panic attacks – she was there. Always. And how did he repay her? Abandoning them all – even Gerard, the person he loved more than anyone – anything.

The guilt hit Frank so quickly that he felt his legs become weak. He tried to get the thoughts out of his head. They were all going to see each other again and make emends. Donna wasn’t a cruel person, she’d forgive them. How couldn’t she forgive her own flesh and blood, and her semi-adopted son?

“Yes, I’ve talked to Frank about going. We’ve both agreed to go at some point after Christmas.” Gerard sounded irritated as he continued to argue with his brother on the phone. There was a short silence before Gerard spoke again, this time without the irritation in his voice. “Can – can you mention it to her when you see mom tomorrow? I don’t just want to call out of nowhere – I’m scared.”

Gerard voice began to shake and his breaths became shorter – he was going to cry. Frank had to stop himself pushing the door open to pull his boyfriend into a tight hug. He couldn’t let Gerard know he was listening into a conversation which was obviously meant to be private.

“Yeah, thanks,” Gerard whispered, trying to keep his voice stable. “I’m not crying – no, I’m not, I promise. But I’ll see you in a few days, with Frank as well.” There was another silence – Frank guessed that Mikey was lecturing his brother before he hung up. “Merry Christmas to you and Ellie – shit, Ella. Sorry. Remember to tell mom. Okay – yeah, bye.”

Frank knew he couldn’t be caught listening into his boyfriend’s conversation as he had a feeling Gerard wouldn’t take it too nicely, Frank quickly backed towards the bathroom again. He could try and pretend hadn’t heard anything. It was simple.

Whilst he was waiting for Gerard to leave the other room, he threw on a pair of jeans and an old shirt.

Shortly after he was changed, he heard the sound of the bedroom door opening and Gerard letting out a small groan of annoyance.

Faking ignorance, Frank stepped into the hallway. Gerard’s eyes were red from trying to hold back the tears and he looked between stressed and downright terrified.

“Hey – what’s up?” Frank asked, walking towards the other man and pulling him into a tight hug. He felt Gerard tense against him, but quickly relaxed into the embrace.

“Nothing,” Gerard whispered. He wrapped his arms around his partner’s waist and burying his face into the crook of Frank’s neck.

“This isn’t nothing, Sweetheart,” Frank said. He knew what was wrong, and hated playing dumb, but he didn’t want to confess to spying on Gerard _in his own home_. It could only end one way: badly. Frank placed small kisses on the top of Gerard’s head, hoping to get him to open up a little.

“I was talking to Mikey about seeing mom again.”

“Hm? That’s good – we need to see her soon. Did we say some time after Christmas?”

Gerard nodded silently. “I’m – I’m scared,” he cried quietly. “I shouldn’t be scared, she’s my mom! She _has_ to love me, right? I know I should’ve been a better son. Why would she want to see me? I was an alcoholic – I still _am_.” Frank felt Gerard start to shake violently against his body as he sobbed hysterically.

“You’re getting better,” Frank said firmly, not wanting his boyfriend to make himself sink into a deep depression. He started to stroke Gerard’s hair, trying to get him to calm down. “She still loves you, and I’m certain she’ll be over the moon to see you – to see us. It’ll be good to see everyone again. You mentioned that Mikey has a girlfriend, right?” Gerard made an affirmative noise. “I haven’t met her before, and I think if your brother has met me, then I should meet her.”

“We’re a little... different,” Gerard commented quietly, his face still pressed against Frank’s shoulder, making small wet patches where his tears fell.

“That’s true, but still... Have you met her before?”

Gerard shrugged and took a step back from Frank. He sighed to himself when he saw the dampness on Frank’s shirt, feeling pathetic that he – a grown man – was crying into the shirt of another person like a child. By now he thought he was over the crying – over the feeling of utter despair and hopelessness. People said life got better with age, but that happened to everyone by Gerard.

“I think I might’ve. I was probably too drunk to remember, though,” he said meekly, looking down at the ground in shame.

“Well, that was before,” Frank said before the atmosphere became tense. “She probably doesn’t remember either. We can both meet her, then? It’ll be good,” he said in a reassuring voice, both trying to comfort Gerard and himself simultaneously. “Come on, let’s go and relax.” Frank reached down and held Gerard’s hand. Gerard didn’t need to be asked twice, and followed his boyfriend obediently into the living room.

***

Frank had fallen asleep half way through the TV show they had playing in the background. Gerard looked down at him as he had his head rested on his chest. He looked so peaceful – free from anything that could hurt him. Frank had been in Gerard’s apartment for just about a week and a half, and he had yet been plagued by the nightmares he had as a teenager. Gerard was glad that they had seemed to leave Frank at last. He could still remember being woken up by his shrill screams and low whimpers of fear. He hated it. He felt helpless watching the person he loved try to fight off something made up by his own unconscious mind. There was nothing he could to do help, either. Whenever Frank woke up, nine out of ten times he instantly bolted up and ran to the toilet to empty the contents of his stomach. Gerard ended up being his counsellor every night – not that he minded. He never complained about it. It was his job to care for Frank when he needed him – that was what boyfriends were for. Love. Affection. Someone to talk to. Gerard was there for him, every night regardless of the time.

Gerard gently petted Frank’s hair, liking how the soft strands ran easily between his fingers. Even though they’d gone through years of not speaking to each other and a huge fight, nothing had changed between them. Once they got over the awkward phase, they were back to normal, but older.

He couldn’t help but wonder where they’d be if Frank didn’t leave. They would be coming up to their tenth anniversary. Ten whole years. Most people were married by that time, with children and a few dogs. Was Frank the kind of person who’d get married? Gerard would be lying to himself if he said he hadn’t fanaticised about marrying the man peacefully curled up next to him on the sofa. Yeah, it would be nice to marry him. The idea of being with someone for better or for worse and until death did them part made Gerard feel safe.

“Would you marry me, Frank?” Of course he didn’t receive a reply, but he hoped it would be a yes one day. Gerard kept on stroking Frank’s hair, adding light kisses to the top of his head every once in a while.

Frank mumbled something in his sleep and cuddled up closer to Gerard’s chest. He smiled softly at him. He still wasn’t sure how he made it years without waking up next to Frank – without kissing him every moment he could, and laughing whenever Frank complained that he had morning breath. It wouldn’t matter to him. Frank was perfect – _too_ perfect.

“What about kids, Frankie? Do you think we’d adopt?” Like before, there was no response from his boyfriend. Gerard guessed that Frank would be a good parent. He was caring, and probably patient with young children. They could have two – one girl and one boy – they’d be the ideal America family – the one people dreamed about. That would be them. Gerard was determined to make it happen.

It would take a while, but Gerard was prepared to wait. He’d wait forever if he had to. They just needed to save up enough to move out of the shithole he called his home into somewhere nicer – somewhere with a big garden for their dogs to run around in; perhaps a townhouse or small house in the suburbs.

Gerard let his mind wonder deeper into his idealistic fantasy. The longer he thought about it, the more ideas he got about how to get money. People had said they loved his artwork; maybe he could get an actual job by doing that instead of odd-jobs around the holiday seasons. He’d always loved drawing comics and cartoons. There was probably a company out there which needed someone to draw them some comic strips or some small cartoon business that needed an artist. It wouldn’t be hard to find a job. Besides, he did graduate from one of the highest qualifying art colleges _in the world_. People wouldn’t be stupid enough to turn him away. All he needed to do was create a portfolio and he was pretty much guaranteed a job.

It would be straightforward.

***

Frank didn’t remember getting into bed. The last thing he could recall was lying on the couch with Gerard and watching some boring show. He presumed he fell asleep there and made his way to bed later than night.

He stretched and quickly realised that Gerard wasn’t there, and hadn’t been for a while as his side of the bed was cold. Frank groaned sleepily and looked at the small digital clock on the bedside table. He squinted his eyes against the bright red light, and read the time. It was just seven in the morning. Why had Gerard decided to get up so early?

He decided to stay in bed for a while longer, not willing to face the world just yet. Whilst he sat in bed, he listened closely to the sounds in the small apartment. Maybe Gerard had woken up with an idea for another drawing and had to start – Frank remembered this happening quiet often when they were in school. When he didn’t hear the annoyed grunts of the other man trying to put something down on paper, he guessed he went out for some unknown reason.

The sound of something falling and then a string of whispered cusses filled the apartment. Frank grabbed a blanket from the bottom of the bed, and wrapped it around himself. Slowly, he pushed the door open to see what was going on. Had someone broken in and expected everyone in the apartment to be asleep? Gerard had mentioned that no one had broken in...yet.

He peered out of the door, checking to see if anyone was in the hallway. It was pitch black, but the light in the living room was on.

Confused, Frank shuffled down the hall, trying to stay as quiet and inconspicuous as possible. He pressed himself against the wall, and looked into the other room. To his surprise, and relief, there wasn’t anyone who was trying to break in and steal their stuff, it was just Gerard.

He was stood on one of the kitchen chairs, trying to put something on top of an old-looking fake Christmas tree. There were entire branches missing, making it look patchy, but Frank guessed it added some kind of character to it. He saw what Gerard was struggling with – an old golden star. It was probably something that was given to him when he moved out to college by Donna, and Frank found it rather sweet that he’d kept the ugly thing.

As much as he wanted to go in a see what else the other man was doing, he knew that it would only make him jump, and probably fall of the chair. So, he kept quiet, and lurked outside the room.

Gerard started to hum a tune under his breath, still oblivious to Frank standing just outside the door. It took him a few tries, but eventually he managed to get the star to stay on top of the tree, albeit a little lopsided. He got off the chair and took a step back, admiring the work he’d done. He had woken up around six in the morning, unable to sleep any more. Instead of waking Frank, he slipped out of bed and found the small box of Christmas decoration in the spare room. They were all old ornament from his childhood, but they were sentimental, no matter how broken and damaged they were.

He took the opportunity of Frank sleeping to decorate their living room and to make it look a little cosier than it was. He hoped his boyfriend would appreciate the effort he went to, even though he knew that he hated the whole holiday. But no one could hate how the little decorations sparkled because of the fairy lights. He wished his landlord allowed real candles, but even since someone managed to set alight their bedding one night, they had been banned from the entire block. Gerard had to make do with fake ones, but it was better than nothing.

It took him a little longer than expected to untangle the metres of Christmas lights from the mass of knots that they’d managed to create whilst in the box. The swore he put them back neatly whenever he last used them, but he was probably too drunk to coordinate his hands at the time. Sighing, he started the task of undoing the individual loops and tight knots of wire.

The rest was pretty basic – putting the tree up, decorating it and so on. They were the fun bits. They were the bits he enjoyed the most, even though it made him feel slightly childish.

Frank watched Gerard run around the small room, adding decorations, moving them around, and eventually putting them back in the box. He did this a few times, sighing whenever they didn’t match or look quite right. _Artists_ , Frank thought to himself, shaking his head a little.

He stayed just outside the room for while longer, wrapping the blanket around himself tighter as he started to feel the cold air coming from the direction of the front door.

Gerard looked like he had almost finished decorating the room and Frank decided it would be a good time to disturb him – and he was feeling extremely cold.

“Hey,” he said, feigning a sleepy yawn as he walked into the room.

Gerard jumped a few centimetres into the air when Frank seemed to appear out of nowhere. He turned around quickly and his expression instantly changed from one of shock to happiness and relief when he saw his boyfriend wrapped up in a blanket. “Hi,” he whispered, stepping aside to let Frank stand next to him. “Do you like it?” he asked, gesturing around the room.

Frank gazed around, trying to look like he was scrutinising Gerard’s work. He did like it, despite what he thought about the holiday itself. It looked cosy – homely. He saw Gerard fidget beside him, not liking how long he was staying quiet.

“It looks great,” Frank said softly as he rested his chin on Gerard’s shoulder, kissing his neck gently.

Gerard took in a sharp breath, not expecting Frank’s cold lips on the sensitive spot on his neck. “That’s good. I didn’t wake you, did I? I tried to be quiet...”

Frank shook his head. “No. I woke up and you won’t there – I was just wondering where you went, that’s all.”

“Aw, sorry, Baby. You were so tired so I just let you sleep.” He turned around so he was facing Frank and placed a small kiss on his lips. “Merry Christmas.”

“You too,” Frank mumbled, kissing his boyfriend again.

Gerard was the first to pull away. He gave Frank a guilty look and started to pick at the skin on his hands. When Frank cocked his eyebrow, Gerard sighed. “I didn’t get you a present – I totally forgot! I haven’t bought presents in so long, but I made you cinnamon pancakes – vegan, obviously.”

Frank eyes lit up at the mention of them. Gerard laughed at him and watched him leave the room, the blanket flying behind him like a cape.

“You look like a child,” Gerard called after Frank, still giggling.

“Fuck you,” Frank shouted back from the other room, moments before taking a large bite of the breakfast which was waiting for him. He let out a small groan of joy. “They’re _so_ good,” Frank said through a mouthful of pancake when he saw Gerard standing at entrance of the kitchen.

“Glad you like them,” he said fondly. “But hurry up, we have plans later on.”

“Hm? – What plans?” Frank asked, looking up at Gerard suspiciously.

“I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.” And with that, Gerard left the room, not letting Frank ask any more questions.

***

“Where are we going?” Frank asked.

Gerard had told him to wrap up warm and be ready for midday. Nothing more. Once it reached midday, they were both ready, and Gerard was pulling Frank out of the warmth of the apartment block into the cold winter air. No matter how many times Frank begged Gerard to tell him where they were going, the other man just shook his head and laughed.

They walked a few more for a good fifteen minutes before they came to busy shopping mall. All the stores were closed, but Frank could hear the high-pitched squeaks of girls coming from behind the crowd of people.

He knew exactly what Gerard had planned.

“No... No, I’m not doing it. You can’t make me, Gerard,” Frank said, instantly starting to pull away from his boyfriend’s grip. Every time he tried to escape, Gerard just held his hand tighter and tighter until his vice-like hold started to make Frank’s hand ache.

“Have you ever been ice skating before?” Gerard asked, ignoring Frank’s complaints.

“No, and I am not going to today, either.” Again, Gerard ignored his partner’s protests and started to drag him towards the benched dotted around the ice rink.

Gerard sat down on an empty bench, dragging Frank down with him. “It’s simple,” he said, untying his shoe lace. “All you have to do it put on your ice skates and step on the ice. You’ll feel like you’re flying – it’s amazing.” Frank grumbled, but copied Gerard by taking off his shoes and reached for the white ice skates in front of him.

“I’m not too sure...” Frank said uncertainly. The thin blade of metal didn’t look like it could support a new born baby, never mind a fully grown man. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get _to_ the ice, never mind skate on it. “Will these actually hold me up?” he asked sceptically.

“Yes,” Gerard said, excitement flooding his voice. He’d managed to remove his own shoes and replace them with the skates before Frank had taken off his own. “Come on – hurry!”

Frank grumbled to himself as he slipped off his shoes. He’d seen ice skating on TV – actual ice skating, not the Olympic kind when a girl gracefully glades around an ice rink. No, he’d seen people falling over, people hitting their heads on the solid ice, people being laughed at by complete strangers as they cried. God knows how anyone did it for fun. It seemed like utter public humiliation, in Frank’s opinion.

Once he’d fiddled with the laces a few times to make sure they weren’t going to come undone while he was on the ice, he stood up carefully. At first, it seemed alright. He’d managed to stand without falling or making a fool of himself. The next bit was the hard part: walking.

Gerard seemed to be an expert in it as he walked towards the small opening of the ice rink effortlessly. When he reached the entrance, he held onto the plastic barrier and looked behind him. He saw Frank staggering towards him, his arms stretched out either side of him in an attempt to keep his balance. He looked so stupid, but Gerard kept his laughter to a small giggle, hoping Frank didn’t notice.

“Don’t laugh at me, Gerard,” Frank snapped from the bench. He’d only managed a few steps forward, but he had yet fallen over – a success in anyone’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard laughed, wiping his eyes with the hand not placed firmly on the barrier. “You look like a toddler trying to take their first steps.” Frank flipped him off, but started to wobble dangerously because of it. “You really haven’t done this before, have you?”

“No shit,” Frank shouted back. He was annoyed because he couldn’t do the simplest thing of walking to the ice. He knew that once he reached the rink, it would only get worse. If he could barely walk on the carpet they’d put down, there was no way he’d manage to stay upright on the ice.

“Take my hand,” Gerard said, just loud enough for Frank to hear over the scream of joy – and pain – and the Christmas music they were playing from the speakers surrounding them. Frank made sure he could stand on his own before reaching out for Gerard’s outstretched hand. He grabbed hold of his hand just as he started to wobble again.

“Thanks,” he said gratefully. Like Gerard, Frank held onto the wall surrounding the perimeter of the ice. “This is still a stupid idea. I’m going to fall the moment I walk onto that, you know.”

“Stop being so dramatic – it’s not that hard,” Gerard laughed as he let go of Frank’s hand, and turned towards the ice. “Hold onto the side for a bit until you get used to it, and then copy everyone else. You won’t be perfect because it’s your first go. There’ll be plenty more times to get better at it.”

Frank watched Gerard walk towards the edge of the ice. He made it look so easy, like anyone could do it. He didn’t know when or where Gerard had managed to fit in the practise sessions, but he guessed it must have been a popular activity at college over the winter months.

Gerard took one last look behind himself, and beckoned for Frank to follow. When he shook his head, Gerard sighed, but took the first tentative step onto the ice. He pushed off front the wall, and glided straight into the centre of the rink.

Frank looked on in awe. He presumed Gerard would have been a bit better than him, but not _that_ much better. He could’ve passed as a professional in Frank’s eyes. He kept on watching as Gerard skated around the edge of the rink, shouting out Frank’s name every time he past. When Frank still didn’t move, Gerard laughed and went to the centre of the ice again. Obviously he decided to show-off by doing small twirls which made his hair flow in the wind.

Frank knew he couldn’t stay standing on the side forever, and he knew he was starting to look strange as he couldn’t keep his eyes off his boyfriend performing little tricks on the ice right in front of him.

With a deep breath, he took his first step onto the ice. He thought he was going to fall flat on his back the very second he stepped foot onto it, but by some stroke of luck he was still standing up. With his confidence boosted a bit, he edged his way a bit further from the entrance of the ice.

People skated past him, all laughing and talking loudly to be heard over the chattering of the other people. A little girl went past him, smiling happily as she managed to do her first lap without falling over once. If a child could do it, so could he, Frank thought to himself as he pushed himself off the wall.

At first it went fine – he wasn’t flat on his face, or back, and no one had bumped into him. He took a quick look around the packed ice to try and find Gerard. When he couldn’t see him, Frank felt confused and a little annoyed. He’d managed to do some form of ice skating, and the person he was trying to show-off to wasn’t even there.

Before he was able to stand next to the all, someone quickly skated past him, grabbing his hand as they went by. Frank let out a small scream of shock as the person whipped him along the ice. It didn’t take long for the mystery person to start to giggle at him, and Frank could recognise that sound anywhere.

“You asshole,” Frank spat, but his tone of voice was more shocked than angry. “I nearly had a heart attack.”

“Quit complaining! It’s fine. You were just standing on the side for too long, and it’s boring there. It’s fun in the middle.”

“But-“ Before he could whine anymore, Gerard was off again, but this time he was pulling Frank with him. He stumbled a few times as he tried to get his footing on the slippery surface, but quickly realised it was useless. In front of him, Gerard glided along to ice making it look like it was second-nature to him, whereas Frank wobbled behind him – looking a lot less graceful and at ease.

When they were going at full speed – or what Frank hoped was full speed – Gerard suddenly released Frank’s hand, letting him slide off without him. Frank whimpered in fear, and started to panic. He didn’t know how to stop himself, and the only way he could think to stop was to either go into something or someone.

He saw the solid wall coming quickly towards him; he braced himself for impact and shut his eyes tightly. Just as he thought he was going to smack right into it, he felt someone take both of his hands and turn him around.

Although he was an atheist, his initial thought that the person – or thing – stopping him for hitting into the wall was his guardian angel or some kind of Holy Spirit saving him. He slowly opened his eyes to see Gerard grinning at him, and skating _backwards_.

“You’re trying to kill me,” Frank panted as he gripped onto his boyfriend’s hands tighter. He knew it was probably hurting Gerard, but he couldn’t make himself care as his heart was still racing at one hundred miles per hour.

“Trying to kill you? I wouldn’t dare,” Gerard said, adding a fake gasp of horror. “Murder isn’t really my thing. You should know that by now, Frankie.”

“Sure,” Frank muttered. He tried to keep an annoyed pout, but couldn’t stop a smile breaking through when he saw Gerard fluttering his eyelids at him. “You’re an idiot. Why do I love you?”

“I ask myself that question every day,” Gerard replied nonchalantly. “Skate with me and then you’ll get better. It’s honestly so easy once you get the hang of it.”

This time, Frank didn’t put up a fight, and allowed Gerard to try and teach him how to stay upright whilst on the ice.

***

“I didn’t fall over once,” Frank said triumphantly as he walked through the door of Gerard’s apartment. They’d stay out for longer than they’d expected, and it was already getting dark by the time they had arrived home.

“That’s only because you hung onto me like a baby whenever we moved. I should be the ones boasting about not falling over,” Gerard commented as he closed the door behind him and followed Frank into the living room.

“Hm... I don’t think so.” Frank walked into the bedroom and grabbed two random blankets which were covering the floor. He picked them up, and carried them back into the other room.

“Oh, come on. There were six year olds who were better at it than you,” Gerard teased as a fumbled with the wires to the Christmas tree lights.

“Those kids? Did you see them? You probably came out of the _womb_ with ice-skates on. They were insane.” Gerard made a humming sound, but Frank knew he was mocking him from the tone. “Fine, I wasn’t the _best_ ever, but I wasn’t the worse there.”

“Whatever you say, Sweetheart,” Gerard said fondly as he walked from the tree. He took a step back to admire it, finally pleased with the way the baubles reflected the shimmering lights.

The warm orange glow from the Christmas tree made the room feel cosier – more like a home – to Gerard. The apartment itself may have been plain and impersonal, but with the addition of a few decorations it made his spirits lift somewhat. However, he couldn’t push the burning desire he had for a house with a garden – an actual private garden where they could attempt to grow plants in small pots, but only for them to die due to a lack of water.

He crossed the room and lifted up one of the blankets Frank had spread out on the sofa.

“What are you thinkin’ about?” Frank asked when his boyfriend gently rested his head on his chest.

“Nothing much; it’s not important.”

“No, tell me,” Frank whined a little. “You look like you’re thinking too much and it’s bothering you.”

Gerard groaned and nuzzled into Frank’s chest. “Just the future and the house we could get.”

“House?” Frank questioned, not understanding where Gerard’s seemingly random thought came from.

“I was thinking about it last night. We could get a house somewhere with a garden. I know that you love dogs, so we could get some and they’d have space...” Gerard trailed, debating with himself whether he should say the last part of his over romanticised dream. “And then the dogs could run around with the children.”

“ _Children_?” Frank repeated in shock. “What children? – Gerard?”

Gerard blushed and hid his face. “Forget it. It’s just a stupid idea I had. It doesn’t mean anything. Besides, it’s not like we could afford it anyway.”

Frank stayed quiet, thinking over what Gerard had said. He’d never been too good with children, but he definitely saw the appeal of having a few dogs running around their feet. It would be nice to have a pet and something they could take on walks together. It was cliché, and cringeworthy, but Frank quickly latched onto Gerard’s idea.

“We’ll see. Maybe we could save up,” Frank said. He kissed the top of Gerard’s head softly. “I do like the idea of having a dog. Does your landlord allow pet?” When Gerard shook his head, Frank swore to himself. “Okay, we’ll have to look into getting a house or townhouse – nothing too expensive. You’ve always said you hated it here, and a change of scenery must be good for you. Plus, moving into a newer place won’t have quiet as much mould and damp patches on the wall.” As Frank talked, he gazed around the room and looked at all the places where the wallpaper was pealing at the corners. “After we get back from your mom’s you could get some news papers and we could look through them?” he suggested.

“Yeah, that would be good,” Gerard whispered. Soon after he said it, he made a short groaning sound. When Frank asked him what was wrong, he confessed that he still hadn’t called Donna about both of them coming to visit her in a few days. Frank hushed his boyfriend, telling him that it was still Christmas, and knowing Donna she would be tipsy at this time of night. Gerard agreed to call her the following morning before changing positions so he was curled up to Frank’s side, with an arm lazily wrapped around the other man’s middle.

“It’s been a good day,” Frank thought aloud as he ran his fingers through Gerard’s hair slowly.

“Good enough that you’ll change your mind about the whole holiday?” Gerard asked hopefully, and looked up at him with the best pleading eyes he could manage.

Frank laughed quietly at his attempt. “You wish,” he said in a soft voice, leaning down to kiss his boyfriend on the lips.

“One day you’ll change your mind,” Gerard said playfully, poking Frank’s side lightly. Frank laughed and shook his head. Gerard didn’t bother trying to push Frank to change his mind – he knew it was pointless.

He shuffled around a bit until he was able to rest his head back on Frank’s chest. He listened to the rhythmic sound of his boyfriend’s heart, and it wasn’t long until he was lulled to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this ended a little quickly but... xo


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 1:30AM and I can't feel my eyes. (Hopefully this doesn't have any major mistakes in it because I'll be rereading it later on) xo

Nothing could convince Gerard to call his mom in the following morning. No matter how many times Frank begged him; he was met with the same response: a firm no. Frank would have taken on the responsibly, but he didn’t feel like it was his place. Although Donna was his foster mother of sorts, he felt like it was Gerard’s job to try and break some of the tension between the two of them.

Christmas was a few days ago, and Gerard still hadn’t made any attempt in contacting his mother. Frank knew he was nervous and scared about what could happen, and how Donna could react, but Frank couldn’t help but feel annoyed at his boyfriend’s constant whining. He was scared, too, as they were both in the same situation.

Frank watched as Gerard paced around the bedroom, the phone resting in his hand. He’d been walking around in circles for over fifteen minutes, and it was starting to make Frank feel dizzy.

“Are you going to call her?” Frank repeated, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. Through the semi-darkness of their room, he saw Gerard look at him. He looked pale – like he was going to throw up at any second. Frank felt guilty for trying to push him, but he knew they weren’t going to get anywhere if he didn’t pester him. He wanted to see Donna as soon as he could, bullshit up some kind of apology, and then leave. “You need to call her,” Frank said, this time with a small smile.

“I don’t – what if? – Can’t you do it?”

Frank sighed. “I’ve told you, she’s your mom and not mine. I think she’d rather hear from you.” Gerard looked at him hopelessly, and then looked down at the phone which was still in his hand. “Sit next to me, Baby. I’ll try and tell you what to say when she picks up. It’ll be _fine_.”

Without another word, Gerard sat down next to Frank on the bed. He took a deep breath and started to type in his mom’s number, hoping she hadn’t changed it. He pressed the phone to his ear, feeling his heart rate increase and his throat tighten with every ring.

“You’ll be alright.” Gerard gave his boyfriend a weak smile, but didn’t hang up even though he felt the panic rising.

***

Donna was sat in the living room, the TV playing quietly in the background. Mikey and his girlfriend had left only an hour ago, but the house already felt unwelcoming. The holiday season should have been a time to be surrounded with family, not sitting alone and watching some idyllic family on a screen. It wasn’t right.

She had questioned Mikey about Gerard, but got the same answer: he’s surviving. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted to here, but it was better than the other option. Donna still hadn’t heard from her oldest son, and she started to doubt she ever would. Mikey refused to tell her his exact address or phone number – she only knew he was in New York City. She had begged her youngest son for any form of contact with Gerard, but he refused. He’d told her that she wouldn’t want to see him the way he was. He claimed it would upset her. He refused to go into details about Gerard’s situation, which only made her more anxious. Was he taking drugs – thin and pale from the consequence for addiction? Homeless?  The only reassurance she got was that he was definitely alive.

She had given up with Frank. He’d just disappeared one day and left them all. She gathered that he wouldn’t want to stay with people which carried such heavy memories with them. She’d been bitter for years, always thinking it was selfish of him to abandon them, but she came to terms with it, eventually.

The sounds of children laughing came from the television. She sighed to herself. The house was too big for one person, but she couldn’t bear to sell it and move to somewhere smaller. The house came with its own memories – nostalgia from better times. She could still remember when the whole family would sit around the in the living room, laughing and joking about whatever came to mind when they were all home from school. She still remembered Frank trying his best to cuddle up to Gerard on their sofa, but only failing miserably. At the time, Donna found it uncomfortable – Gerard shouldn’t have been getting _that_ close to his foster brother, but she eventually warmed up to it once she saw the joy in her son’s eyes at the very mention of the boy.

Although there were many happy memories made in the house, not all of them were fond ones. She still couldn’t get the sounds of Frank’s endless crying and dry heaving out of her head whenever he panicked. Donna never got her head around why anyone would hurt their own son. Weren’t parents meant to love their children – wasn’t it a natural thing for anyone?

At least they were both in jail, far away from hurting Frank again. And even if they were released, she hoped that Frank would be able to defend himself. He wasn’t a fragile teenager anymore.

She never saw her sons grow up into adults. The last she saw of Frank was when he was just turning nineteen and the same with Gerard on his twentieth birthday.

Donna felt her heart sink and her eyes water. She didn’t want to think about it anymore, but it was hard not to when there wasn’t anyone in the house to talk to. Mikey had suggested getting herself a pet, but she didn’t want to look after it. She knew it would be unfair for the animal if they had to be locked inside all day. Whenever she got lonely, she turned on the radio and listened to the mindless talking of the presenter. It was good enough for her.

She watched the ending credits of the movie, and turned off the TV, plunging the room into an unbearable silence.

Donna groaned to herself. She’d heard about empty nest syndrome, but never thought it was real. She laughed at herself sadly for ever doubting it.

The shrill sound of the phone ringing broke the stillness. She tried not to see too eager when she stood up from the couch and walked towards the phone. It was only late morning, so she couldn’t think who was trying to contact her.

Curiously, she looked down at the caller ID, but it came back as an unknown number. She pressed the answer button, fully expecting the person on the other side of the phone trying to sell her she never wanted.

“Hello?” she said. No one replied, but she knew someone was there as she heard the quiet mumble of voices in the background. “Hello?” she repeated, hoping someone would answer.

“Um,” came a voice on the phone. Whoever they were, they sounded nervous, and Donna instantly worked out that it wasn’t a sales call. Perhaps someone called her by mistake?

“Who is this?”

A silenced followed her question, but she heard heavy breathing. Was the unknown person crying down the phone? Donna didn’t know what was happening, but she did hear another voice before someone spoke to her. Instantly, her head was full of bad and morbid thoughts.

“Who are you? Are you okay?” she asked quickly. She didn’t want to be listening into a case of assault. If anything happened to the mystery person and she didn’t help, she knew she wouldn’t be able to live with herself.

“Mom?” the voice came again, cracking midway through the word. As soon as the person started to cry, Donna heard a voice in the distance. She couldn’t pick up what the other person was saying, but she presumed it was words of comfort as the person speaking to her tried to stutter out a few more words.

“Mom?” Donna repeated, perplexed. The person on the other end of the phone didn’t sound like Mikey, and the only person she could think of was Gerard, but she knew he wouldn’t phone her – not after the years that had past.

There was a short silence before the person on the other side of the phone started to mutter something under their breath. Donna tried to listen to what they were saying, but could only hear incoherent noises.

“Hi, Donna.” This time it was a different voice. “What Gerard was trying to tell you is that we’re going to come over soon – maybe tomorrow? It’s been so long, and I guess both of us owe you an apology.”

Donna sat in shock for a few seconds as she tried to get her thoughts together. This must be a dream, she thought to herself. There was no way that Gerard was trying to get back in touch with her, not after she’d been thinking about it before. It wasn’t possible.

Her thoughts quickly switched to the person who was now awkwardly laughing in the silence. The person wasn’t Gerard, and they definitely didn’t sound like Mikey.

“Frank?” she asked, her voice laced with uncertainty.

“That’s me,” the person – Frank – said almost shyly.

It was too surreal to Donna – too much was happening all at once. She tried to keep up with it all, but couldn’t get her head around it. Gerard had (tried to) called her, but Frank ended up speaking. She quickly concluded that it was some kind of dream – a fantasy – and that she’d be taken out of it soon.

 “We’ll be over tomorrow is that’s okay?” Frank asked, breaking the silence that had built up between them.

“Um, right. Tomorrow is good. I’ll see you then,” Donna said quietly, still in shock.

When Frank ended the call, she stared down at the phone. She couldn’t believe what she just agreed to.

***

Frank set the phone down on the bedside table and looked over towards Gerard. He was curled up under the covers, pretending to be asleep – or dead, Frank wasn’t sure which he was going for.

“We’re going to your mom’s tomorrow,” Frank announced. He heard Gerard groan under the blankets, but didn’t say anything else. “It’ll be fine. She didn’t sound angry when I was talking to her... just shocked – which isn’t surprising.”

Gerard removed the covers from over his head and peered over at his boyfriend. He was nervous about it. He wished he could talk to his mom – _his own mother_ – but he couldn’t get a single word out. Eventually, Frank took the phone off him. He felt like an idiot. He was the one who was meant to do it – it was his responsibility.

If Frank said Donna didn’t sound angry, then she wasn’t. She was probably nervous like him, he hoped – although it was a selfish thought. She’d probably be glad to see them both again. What was better than seeing one son? Seeing them both at once. Gerard guessed that she would be overwhelmed, especially in the short notice, but Frank said the date – they hadn’t figured out a date beforehand.

Frank sensed that Gerard was having doubts about it all because he looked like he was about to hide under the blankets again. He beckoned Gerard closer to him. Reluctantly, Gerard sat up, his back resting against the headboard of the bed. Knowing Gerard wouldn’t move any closer to him, Frank crawled over the bed to sit next to him.

“It won’t be bad,” he said softly, reaching for the other man’s hand. “I know you’re scared, but I am too. Hey, I’m sure she’s feeling the same way as we are now. She is seeing the both of us after all that time, too – not just us seeing her.”

Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist, forcefully pulling the other man closer to him. He let out a shaky breath and buried his face into his boyfriend’s chest. “What if she doesn’t like me?” he mumbled.

Frank hushed him and kissed the top of his head gently. “Don’t be silly, she loves you – she’s your mom.” Gerard didn’t reply. “It’ll be over before you know it. And who knows, maybe it’ll go really well?” Frank suggested, trying to make his boyfriend warm up to the idea.

“I still don’t think it’s a good plan...” Gerard said quietly.

“You’ll be fine,” Frank repeated. “Try and get some sleep. You’re nervous.”

Gerard didn’t complain. The combination of the warmth coming from Frank’s body and the nerves quickly made his eyelids feel heavier. Soon enough, he was sound asleep.

***

The following day arrived too quickly. Gerard still wasn’t ready for the short drive to his childhood home. Although he did want to see his family, and had agreed that it was a good idea once, the reality was dawning on him. It was going to happen, whether he wanted it or not.

Frank had organised a taxi service for the short drive to New Jersey. It was less than an hour away, making Gerard feel a wave of guilt hit him. He didn’t have an excuse not to go – it wasn’t like he could use the distance as a reason.

It was approaching midday and Frank still hadn’t managed to get Gerard to eat anything. He’d cooked them something quick, knowing that they wouldn’t be stopping for lunch on the journey there. Whenever he offered him the plate, Gerard shook his head and claimed he wasn’t hungry. Frank knew it was bullshit – Gerard never refused a free lunch. However, he didn’t push it, knowing that Gerard was only anxious, and making him eat would only result with him throwing it up again.

Frank looked over at his boyfriend who was walking around the small space in the living room. He looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. When Frank caught his eye, he offered him a small smile, but didn’t get one back.

“You need to calm down, Baby,” Frank said as he got up from the sofa to try and stop his boyfriend from doing another lap of the room. He walked up beside him and placed his hands on both of the other man’s shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. “Calm down, please?” he said, even though it sounded more like he was begging.

“I am calm,” Gerard lied. When Frank raised an eyebrow he sighed heavily. “I’m fine – just nervous. It’s nothing. Shouldn’t we be going?” He asked as he looked over at the small clock on the kitchen wall.

“Sure,” Frank replied fondly as he held one of Gerard’s hands. “It’ll be fine.”

“I know,” Gerard muttered. “You’ve said...”

***

The drive was a lot shorter than Gerard had anticipated. He knew it was roughly an hour, but he’d fully expected holiday traffic to block the roads. Luckily – or unluckily for him – the roads were clear. The journey was uneventful, and before they knew it, the driver was pulling up beside a typical family home.

It took Gerard a few seconds to realise where they were, but he quickly remembered.

The house hadn’t changed a lot. It was still boring, but the garden had been added to. He presumed Donna had a lot of extra time on her hands since she was in the house on her own. The house was rather too big for just one person...

Frank unbuckled his seatbelt to give the driver the money he was due, leaving Gerard in the back.

No amount of preparation could get him ready to leave the semi-comfort of the car. He wasn’t ready – he’d _never_ be ready. He had no idea what he would say to her. Would hugging her be appropriate? Would they act like they’d never met before? It hit him that she hadn’t seen him throughout most of his twenties, meaning she had missed out on him growing up.

He felt sick.

The longer he sat alone, the deeper he got into his thoughts. He felt like he was drowning in a mix of past memories and utter guilt. Doubts flooded his mind, only letting him focus on the negatives and successfully making him feel worse.

He could have sat there all day if the driver didn’t notice him.

“Get out. I have other places to be,” he snapped angrily, pulling Gerard out of his thoughts. Gerard muttered an apology and quickly left the car.

Frank was stood just outside, patiently waiting for him. When he saw his boyfriend _finally_ get out of the vehicle, he offered him a supportive smile.

“Ready to go?” Frank asked as he reached down to hold Gerard’s hand without taking his eyes off the house in front of them. Gerard mumbled something under his breath, but Frank didn’t catch it. He prayed that it was an affirmative sound as they slowly made their way towards the front door.

***

The taxi cab had been parked directly opposite the house for over twenty minutes before she saw someone get out of it. Donna wasn’t stupid; she knew that it was them. Momentarily she wondered what they had done with the cars they drove off in to college, but she guessed that keeping any kind of vehicle in New York City wasn’t the cheapest thing in the world.

She hovered around the closed curtains in the living room, sometimes looking around them to see whether anyone was walking up the path. She felt immature – like a teenage girl who was waiting for her date to pick her up.

“Stop it,” she whispered to herself sternly. Donna stepped away from the window and sat down on the sofa, trying to look as relaxed and causal as possible. She reached for the television remote on the coffee table and flicked through some random channels, attempting to make herself seem like she wasn’t waiting for them to arrive at the door.

It felt like hours had past by the time she heard a faint knock on the door. With a deep breath, she stood up and walked towards the hallway. Whilst she was walking, she tried to prepare herself about what she was about to see. She knew she was about to see her son, and Frank, but what would they look like? In her head, she still had the same image of two greasy-haired teenage boys, both smiling brightly at the thoughts of the future ahead of them. But now she didn’t have a clue. Mikey had changed a bit when he reached adulthood – he was no longer the thin, young boy that he was at seventeen, but somehow managed to look like he could defend himself if he got into trouble.

There was another knock at the door, but this time there was more forces behind it. Donna picked up her pace.

She placed her hand on the door handle, and opened the door.

***

Gerard was practically cowering behind Frank, making him look like a kicked puppy. When he heard the small click of the door unlocking, he let out a whimper of pure fear and hid behind Frank even more.

As much as Frank hated to admit it, he thought his boyfriend was overacting a lot. Yes, Gerard was nervous, but so was he. They were both in the same situation, but Frank was the only one who could talk to Donna or knock on the door properly.

He didn’t let himself shy away from what he was meant to do, so why was Gerard allowing himself?

When the door swung open, Frank didn’t know what to expect. He shut his eyes for a second, breathing slowly to calm his nerves. Once he opened them again, he was greeted with Donna looking at them both – a nervous, yet relieved, expression on her face.

No one said anything, and the air was filled with awkward tension. Frank looked down at his shoes, trying to think of a way to break the uncomfortable stillness.

Gerard shuffled around Frank so they were standing next to each other. His eyes were wide – probably due to fear – and red rimmed. He tried to give his mom a smile, but it ended up looking more like a painful grimace.

“Mom,” he said so quietly that it was barely audible. Donna gave him a teary smile before he rushed forwards into his mother’s arms.

Frank felt like he was witnessing something he wasn’t part of. He wasn’t really in their family – he wasn’t her _actual_ son. He glanced around uncomfortably for a few moments, unsure where to look or what to do.

“Come here, Frank,” Donna said, her voice wobbling a bit.

Frank didn’t complain, and walked the remaining steps towards her. As soon as he was within reaching distance, he was pulled into a bone crushing hug. He wrapped his arms around and hugged back.

“I missed you both so much,” she cried.

“I’m s-sorry,” Gerard sobbed, tears rolling down his cheeks. Frank stayed silent; overwhelmed by everything that was going on. Luckily, no one noticed his lack of participation.

When Donna eventually let go of them, she ushered them inside, claiming it was too cold to stand outside all day.

***

Gerard looked around his childhood home as they walked through the hallway. It hadn’t changed at all. All the potted plants were in exactly the same place as they were before, and there was still a pile of keys on the side which no one knew what they were for. Even the pictures on the walls were the same, with the only addition of newer ones of Mikey and a girl – probably his girlfriend.

There were photos of him and Frank standing in the living room with bulging suitcases next to them. Gerard smiled sadly at them. They looked so innocent – so naive about what was going to come. At the time, they would never have expended life to pan out like it had. Gerard, at seventeen, wouldn’t have envisioned himself as a recovering alcoholic, semi-unemployed and cramped up in a shitty apartment in New York.

Then again, at twenty-one he wouldn’t have thought that he’d be standing in his mother’s house with Frank stood next to him.

It was weird how things changed.

“Go – go and sit down,” Donna said, pushing them into the living room. “I’ll go and make drinks. What do you want?” She started listing a multitude of different drinks they had in the house, many containing some kind of alcohol, making Gerard feel a little uncomfortable. He (with a lot of help from Mikey) had managed to remove everything alcoholic from around him, but this was a new experience. He couldn’t tell Donna about it all, it would only make her worried. He just had to suck it up and ignore it. It was easy enough.

“Mom, its fine – we’re fine,” Gerard said, laughing awkwardly at his mother’s attempts to make them feel at home. It was obvious she was anxious because she _always_ talked too much whenever she was in an uncomfortable situation.

“Right, sorry,” she said quickly. She sat down on the armchair opposite them. “What did you two do for Christmas, then? Anything good?”

Internally, Gerard felt like he was going to be sick – the anxieties only kept bubbling inside him. It felt like they’d never stop. Nonetheless, he took a deep breath, trying to keep the nerves at bay.

Sensing Gerard’s slight hesitation, Frank quickly went into the story about their day. Donna laughed and gasped when appropriate, only making Gerard feel more at ease.

His mom didn’t seem pissed off that both he and Frank had removed themselves from her life, or the fact they called up from out of the blue. She didn’t act like they hadn’t seen each other in just over a decade. She took it in her stride – like it was her job.

***

Frank managed to talk for hours (or what felt like hours to Gerard). Between his boyfriend’s overdramatized version of their ice-skating trip – claiming that he had skated around like it was his hidden talent, and a quickly summarised time of their small Christmas outing, Gerard stayed quiet.

Donna didn’t seem to pick up that all their plans had been in a two week period, nor that they didn’t mention anything about after they graduated – no plans, not even ones they wish they did. Gerard hoped it was because she had forgotten completely rather than her holding back any questions.

It was getting late when Frank _finally_ stopped going through every last detail of their two weeks together. Somehow, he’d managed to make it sound like it had been two _years_ rather than fourteen days, but Gerard wasn’t going to point it out. The less his mom knew about their strange circumstances, the better.

Gerard looked behind him and tried to catch a glimpse of outside. It was useless as it was now pitch black and the windows had fogged up due to the condensation forming on them. He squinted his eyes a little, trying to look through the residue on the glass. Once his eyes focused a little, he felt his heart sink.

It was snowing. Heavily.

There was no way anyone would pick them up, not in the snowstorm that was about to happen at any second. It meant they were stuck in his mother’s house. It was only meant to be a couple of hours, not a couple of days. And if they stayed, they didn’t bring anything with them to sleep in; plus, Gerard doubted their old pyjamas would still fit them. That’s if Donna still kept them, along with the beds in his basement room.

As subtly as possible, Gerard tried to get Frank’s attention. He gently poked his side, making sure he didn’t move too much so Donna wouldn’t see. He didn’t want to make it seem like he was trying to get away – trying to escape. It wasn’t like he found seeing his mom again boring, he just didn’t want to be there longer than he had to.

Donna had started up a new conversation with Frank; it had something to do with guitars, so Gerard didn’t bother listening.

Of course, Frank was too engrossed in the conversation to feel Gerard poking his side gently. Gerard whined softly, not liking how he could see the snow falling in thick sheets outside the window. He knew if he didn’t get some reaction soon, they’d end up sleeping over at the house – something he’d rather avoid.

Again, Gerard poked Frank’s side, but this time with a little more force.

“What?” Frank asked, cutting off what he was saying to Donna. Although he didn’t sound annoyed with Gerard for interrupting, he didn’t sound too pleased about it. “What, Gerard?” he asked for the second time when he didn’t get a reply.

Gerard pointed towards the window, giving Frank a worried look. Frank quickly put two and two together, and figured out that his boyfriend was getting nervous because of the weather.

Frank didn’t see why he was so nervous now. At the start, he understood, but Donna didn’t see to hold any grudges against them – it just wasn’t something she would do. She loved them both, even though she hadn’t said it, Frank could tell by the way she looked at the two of them.

“It’s only a little bit of snow,” Frank reassured him, despite the fact the snow had started to fall so heavily it was nearly impossible to see the orange glow from street lamp directly opposite the house. “We’ll go in a bit if that makes you feel any better,” Frank whispered, hoping that Donna wouldn’t here.

Unfortunately, she did.

“I am not letting you two go out in this weather. It’s too dangerous, and I don’t want to see that my two sons are dead in a car crash,” she said firmly. “You’re going to have to stay here until tomorrow at the very least.”

Gerard worst nightmare had come true. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. As much as he appreciated the offer of staying the night, the thought of being part of a fatal road collision accident didn’t seem too unappealing to him.

He opened his mouth to reject his mother’s request, but the look on her face told him otherwise. He’d learned that expression years ago – when she was like that, there was no way she’d change her mind.

“I’m not letting you leave, Gerard,” she said. “The beds are still in your room, and I’m sure you could find something to wear. And it’s getting late, so it would be best if we all went to bed and continued this in the morning.”

It had been years since someone told him what to do, especially a parent, and the commands seemed weird. He knew he didn’t have to do what his mother had told him – he was a fully grown adult, and nearly in his thirties, but he found himself obediently standing up and trying to remember his way to his old room.

Donna pulled him into a tight hug before he reached the doorway into the hall. At first, he was taken aback and stood ridged, but quickly relaxed into the embrace. It was nice to have someone else hug him – for someone else to be close to him after years of isolation in a grotty apartment. It was nice to feel warm and safe in a building without the constant fear of someone breaking in, or the sound of his neighbours yelling at each other all night.

“I missed you,” his mother said, barely over a whisper. Gerard mumbled something back, hoping that it sounded roughly like ‘you too’. When Donna finally let go, Gerard gave her a weak smile and headed towards the stairs to his room.

***

His room was exactly how he remembered it – dark, walls plastered with posters and a mess. It was as if his mother hadn’t touched it since they left; as if it was turned into a shrine.

He didn’t feel tired when he was sat on the couch next to Frank, but the moment he laid eyes on his old bed, he felt his eyelids become unusually heavy.

Gerard slowly walked towards his bed. It was weird seeing it as an adult. When he was younger, he loved his room. He loved how isolated it was to the rest of the world. He loved how it hardly had any natural light in it; and when it did, it was only for a few hours in the summer months.

But now, looking around as the room, it made him feel uncomfortable and depressed. He’d spent so long in an apartment with floods of natural light coming through the grubby windows, but it was better than this.

He sat down on the bed, gazing around the room more – taking the place he spent so much time in as a teenager.

His desk, as always, was a mess. Stacks of old drawings still littered it, along with pencils which had seen better days. He told himself that he’d look through the random sketches in the morning. Maybe he could take some home with him to stick on the walls as motivation to draw more.

Gerard kicked off his shoes, but didn’t bother getting changed out of his jeans. He’d slept in worse, and on worse, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for him. He slipped beneath the covers and felt his muscles relax under the warm fabrics.

He wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep, but the next thing he remembered was being woken up when he felt the bed dip a little. Sleepily, he opened his eyes and saw a dark figure sitting on the edge of the mattress. At first, he panicked as he was unable to work out where he was, or who the mystery person was.

“Sorry,” the person said. Gerard instantly recognised the voice as Frank’s and started to feel stupid that he started to panic. “I was just checking to see if the snow was going to stop any time soon – it took longer than I expected. I didn’t mean to wake you.” As Frank talked, he untied his shoe laces and took them off. Gerard moved closer towards the wall, giving Frank more space to lie beside him.

Once Frank was close enough to him, Gerard cuddled up to him on the small bed. Even when they were younger, there wasn’t enough space of the two of them, but somehow they made it work.

“This is like before,” Frank mused, holding Gerard closer and brushing a stray bit of hair out of his face. When Gerard mumbled something incoherent, Frank laughed softly. “Try and sleep, Sweetheart. It’s been a long day and you’re tired.”

On cue, Gerard yawned and nuzzled into his boyfriend’s chest. He felt Frank lightly kiss the top of his head before he fell back to sleep.


	18. Chapter 17

A loud bang came from downstairs, which was quickly followed by someone yelling at another person. Frank felt his blood run cold as the shouting continued. It didn’t seem like it was going to stop, and the words he managed to catch only became more and more abusive.

Although his first instinct was to run and to get as far away from the shouting as possible, he stayed in his bed. He hoped that if he pretended to be asleep, the people downstairs wouldn’t notice him. It had worked before, but only once.

Whenever he heard shouting, he knew what was about to happen. His dad would come home drunk; knock something other – probably breakable – and his mom would start to scream at him. Soon after the shouting would stop, and the sound of heavy footsteps running up the stairs towards his room would happen. The only thing Frank could do was hide and pretend it didn’t hurt that much.

“I never wanted him!” Frank heard his mother shout as she started to try and clear away the mess her husband had made.

“It’s not my fault you’re a dirty little slut,” Frank’s farther spat. He heard his mother gasp, ready to argue back, but she was stopped in tracks. Frank heard the sound of a fist hitting someone’s nose, followed by a pitiful cry from his mother.

Frank buried into his covers, not wanting to her his mom’s sobs from downstairs as she tried to stop the flow of blood coming from her noise.

“You shouldn’t have been sleeping with other men, you whore,” Frank’s father said in disgust as he left his wife bleeding on the kitchen floor. He left the room and headed straight towards the bottom of the stairs.

Frank felt his breathing stop when he heard his farther start to climb the stairs. He tried to tell himself that he was going to pass his room and head to the bathroom, but Frank couldn’t stop the rising sick feeling in his stomach.

He father pushed the door open with so much force that the handle hit the wall, making a hole where it landed. The sound made Frank let out a small whimper of fear, destroying his attempt to stay as quiet, and invisible, as possible.

Frank could smell the alcohol coming off his dad’s breath when he was standing at the end of his bed. It was disgusting, and he had to try his best not to gag as well as trying to keep his breathing steady so it wouldn’t seem like he was giving into his father’s silent intimidation.

“I know you’re not asleep,” his father drunkenly slurred down at him. Frank stayed ridged and quiet, only making his father angrier. “Stop fucking ignoring me,” he shouted down at Frank.

Frank took a deep breath and peered over at his farther in the semi-dark room. The look on his face alone made Frank panic. He looked livid – murderous – glaring down at his son. Frank felt his body start to panic and his breathes became shorter and faster. He didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of his father, especially when he was like this.

He glanced down at his father’s hands. They were already curled up into fists, and Frank swear he saw specks of dark red blood splattered across his knuckles. The blood could only have come from one person – his mother.

Despite how much he hated his mother, he wanted to – needed to – check on her. Nightmare scenarios flashed through his mind; pictures of her lying on the floor in pain, clutching her bloody nose flooded his thoughts. All he could think about was her.

 “Say something then, you worthless piece of shit,” his farther whispered in a threatening tone. Frank shook his head as defiantly as he could manage.

He heard his dad chuckled menacingly at his son’s silence. Frank knew that if he spoke, he’d only get more abuse – whether it was verbal or physical, it wouldn’t make any difference. At school, he was always bullied for his stutter. Always. He couldn’t change how he spoke, and he would never have dreamed of asking his parents for the money to get a speech therapist to help him. He just had to put on a brave face as other children laughed, pointed and whispered nasty comments about him as he walked through the school hallways.

His speech impediment was something his father hated the most about him. Whenever he managed to string together a sentence, his father would always mutter abuse under his breath – the one he loved to use the most was calling him retarded because he knew it would always make Frank feel even more insignificant.

“Oh, that’s right,” his dad laughed, to himself more than anyone else. “You can’t speak properly, can you? You’re fucked up. I don’t know what happened to your precious little brain, but now you can’t form a single fucking word. I don’t see why we keep you around,” he said in a low, slow voice, making fear penetrate into every single one of Frank’s bones.

“It’s n-not my f-fault,” Frank tried to argue back, but the moment he said it he knew he’d made a horrible mistake.

Frank’s father’s shoulders tensed and his glair became even more hate filled. “Don’t talk back to me, boy,” he seethed.

Before Frank could react, his dad was pulling him out of the bed by his t-shirt. He hit the floor with a heavy thud, causing pain to radiate through his body. He was dragged across the floor, and the more he tried to kick out and get away, the tighter his father held onto the neck of his shirt. He knew if he kept on fighting, his dad wouldn’t hesitate to kill him on the spot.

The first kick was the worst. White hot pain exploded from where the impact had happened – his stomach. He let out a pained cry, and tears rushed to his eyes. He tried to protect himself by curling up into a ball, but he was pulled back sharply, exposing where the other man wanted to go for next. The kicks felt endless – whenever one finished, another one quickly followed. On top of the pain, Frank hoped that they would kill him before another one came.

“You need to learn a lesson,” Frank’s father said furiously as he kicked Frank hard, again. “You need to learn some respect.”

The pain kept on coming from his abdomen, and he knew something internally would at least be damaged because of it. He prayed that the numb feeling would submerge his body soon before his father started again.

However, the kicking didn’t continue. Frank felt himself being forced to sit up on the hard bedroom floor. He nearly blacked out from the pain that followed being made to sit up. He let out a shrill cry as the throbbing pain took over his body, making it hard for him to breath.

“I’m not done with you,” Frank father said, slightly out of breath. He left Frank cowering on the floor, clutching his stomach, and walked towards the doorway.

Frank couldn’t get himself to think straight once his dad gone downstairs. He gently placed a hand over where the worst of the kicks had been directed, and was glad to see that there wasn’t much blood – only a few scratches and marks that he could easily deal with so no one asked any questions. However, his slight happiness quickly faded when he tried to move; the agony only tripled, making it impossible to shuffle close enough to his wall to lean against it.

He was still petrified for his mom, who was still downstairs. He hoped that she was able to stop the bleeding, and maybe made it to the hospital in time before her husband had made it downstairs to see her leaving.

He couldn’t stay huddled on the floor forever, despite how much he wanted to. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to steady his breath, preparing himself to walk the short journey to the other side of the room.

Unwrapping his arms from around his stomach, he tried to push himself up from the floor. The first wave of pain that hit him was nearly unbearable, but kept going. He refused to let himself give up, and forced himself onto his feet. He let out a cry of pain, and wrapped his arms around his stomach again in some attempt to stop the constant ache.

He staggered towards his bed, and collapsed onto it the moment he was close enough. As soon as his body hit the mattress, he felt the first tear finally roll down his cheek. He didn’t know why his father hated him so much, and he had a nagging feeling that his mother only added to the pain because she was being controlled by her husband. Neither of them showed any love towards him, not even a quick hug whenever he was sad or praise him for any achievements. Half of the time he was glad that they remembered to feed him.

Ignoring the sudden surges of agony he felt whenever he moved, he settled back down in his bed, allowing his tears to make the pillow damp. He didn’t have any reason to wipe them away because no one would care – no one would ask if he was okay.

The sounds of people shouting came from downstairs again, but this time it was louder and more frantic. Between the soft sobs of his mother, he could hear her begging desperately. He tried to listen past the cries, feeling like something even worse was about to happen.

“No – no please don’t.” Frank heard his mother beg through cries of pure fear. “You don’t want to do this!”

Frank heard the sound of his father slurring something, and the noise of someone falling backwards, and his mother’s begging instantly stopped.

The house became eerily silent all of a sudden, and a sickening feeling took over Frank’s body. He didn’t want to let himself think what had happened downstairs. He tried to tell himself that he was just overreacting, and that his mom was fine. His father – as angry and drunk as he was – would _never_ kill someone, especially not his wife.

Even if Frank wanted to see what had happened, he knew he wouldn’t have made it far at all. All he could do was hopelessly stay in his bed, and hope that his mother would say something in return.

The moments which followed went by in utter silence. It was like time had come to a stop in their house, and no one knew exactly what do to.

“Shit,” he heard his dad say out loud, followed by the sound of pans clattering together as he tried to search through the cupboards for something – bleach, perhaps?

As soon as the rattling of pans and other kitchen equipment stopped, Frank heard his father walk up the stairs towards his room again. He heard his father’s threat ringing in his ears as he came closer towards the door. If he’d murdered someone, Frank didn’t know what else he was capable of. Maybe he’d decide to torture him before leaving him to bleed out on his bedroom floor.

Frank felt his throat closing up and his stomach start to turn as he heard the creak of the door opening. He stayed still, hoping that his father would think that he’d been asleep through it all, and wouldn’t be a witness for the corpse in their kitchen.

He decided to risk it and look towards his father. Even in the dimly lit room, he could see that the other man was pale with a strange detached look in his eye. To Frank, he didn’t look real – not like the person he knew.

Frank noticed something in his father’s right hand. Confused, he tried to make his eyes focus on it better. Once his eyes had focused on the mystery object, he felt his blood freeze.

It was a gun.

Stunned with fear, Frank stayed transfixed on the weapon resting gently his father’s hand. He couldn’t say anything – nothing to try and convince him not to shoot. It would have been pointless to try and argue with him, as it was clear the other man had made up his mind on the way to his son’s room.

Frank watched him as he pointed the pistol in his direction. When the barrel of the gun was directed at him, he saw his father’s finger twitch on the trigger.

“No,” Frank managed to whisper quietly, just as he saw the trigger being pulled.

***

Gerard had been hopelessly watching Frank toss and turn for what seemed like hours. He’d just fallen asleep before his boyfriend started to whine in pain and lashing out at random times. It seemed to Gerard that he was having a nightmare, even though he thought they had _finally_ gone.

He remembered that he shouldn’t wake Frank up, knowing that he’d only become more agitated as many people took a while to realise that they were awake instead of in the grips of their nightmare, and trying to comfort him at the stage would do more harm than good.  So, all he could do was watch as sweat joined the tears that were already running down his cheek.

Gerard had a feeling that it was the house that was triggering them again; it only brought back bad memories. Before, back in his old home or Gerard’s apartment, Frank was fine, and didn’t show any signs of relapsing, but this had pushed him too far too quickly.

In a way, it was Gerard’s fault. He could have downright refused to come, or made them go back regardless of the weather. Thinking back to it, Donna was probably exaggerating – the snow wasn’t too bad, and he was sure he would have been able to find at least one person to drive them the short trip back. He would have done anything to prevent Frank from being a prisoner of his unconscious mind, again.

Frank’s cries quickly changes from low whimpers of tear to ones of choking and gagging. Gerard had seen this so many times before; he didn’t hesitate to reach over to grab the trashcan, ready for when Frank would be ultimately sick.

Frank sobbed and gagged for five more minutes until he woke up with a breathless gasp. He sat up, looked around urgently, and Gerard pushed the trashcan towards him. The moment Frank’s hands hit the cold metal, he gagged one last time before empting the contents of his stomach into it.

Despite the smell, Gerard crawled towards Frank and sat down next to him. Wordlessly, he started to rub his back, and pushed his sweat-soaked hair from his face. After years, Gerard worked out that comforting Frank in silence was the best thing to do. The endless words of encouragement quickly lost their effect on the both of them, but the little displays of affection never lost their meaning.

Frank gagged one more time, but only ended up spilling saliva into the garbage can instead of vomit. He felt disgusting, his throat felt raw, and couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up like that.

He opened his mouth to try and talk, but ended up forming some alien sound.

“Right – water,” Gerard said. Before he walked to the small bathroom in the adjacent room, he placed a kiss on the top of his boyfriend’s head. “I’ll be two minutes. Don’t move.”

Frank hated being alone after a night terror; it always left him feel on the verge of a panic attack. It was just him and his mind – nothing there to stop him reliving what he’d imagined less than half an hour ago.

Now he was older, he knew that they were dreams – figments of his imagination – and, therefore, not true. He knew that his father didn’t kill his mother, and that he now wasn’t after him, but he couldn’t stop the feeling of uneasy spreading through his body.

He checked to see whether Gerard was out of sight before lifting up the hem of his shirt to see if there were any bruises or marks there – just to make sure. Frank knew he shouldn’t have felt relief wash over him when he saw the skin under his bellybutton was mark and bruise free, but it managed to relax him somewhat.

Gerard re-entered the room with two glass of water, both full to the brim. Slowly, he walked over to the bed and placed both glasses down on the bedside table. He gave Frank a small smile, and sat back down next to him.

“The water is there for you, and you need to drink it. I’ll go and empty this out.” Gerard reached for the trashcan, and tried to ignore the acidic smell coming from it.

“No – no, don’t go... not yet,” Frank said, or rather begged. He cringed at how needed he sounded, but Gerard didn’t complain. He put the trashcan on the floor, making sure it was far enough out of the way that no one would accidently kick it, and sat on the bed with Frank, again.

Gerard handed him the first glass of water and practically forced him to drink it. As soon as the cold water hit the sides of his raw throat, some of the pain went away – to his relief.

He saw Gerard looking at his cautiously from the corner of his eye, and knew that he was trying to stop himself from asking about what had happened. Frank wasn’t sure what he’d say if his boyfriend questioned him, and it wasn’t like before when he used to rush in whoever arms were closest. This time he managed to control most of the telltale sign of a nightmare, disregarding the vomiting and waking up breathless – which probably meant he’d been screaming.

He continued to slowly drink the water, making sure he wasn’t making any eye contact with Gerard. If they looked at one another, it could initiate some kind of question and answer session with his boyfriend, and Frank didn’t think he was ready to talk about it – if he ever was.

Regardless of what they said, talking about it never made it better; it only made the memories last longer, and the pain never-ending. Talking about it just made him think more about what his mind had made up, and not helped him move on. Throughout his various therapy sessions, the therapist made him retell what his parents had done to him, and why he thought they did. Of course, he didn’t know why anyone would be so sick and twisted to beat their own child, and call them endless abusive names; and if he knew why they did it, he would have stopped instantly.

Reliving something only resulted in worse night terrors and the horrible empty feeling Frank felt almost daily during the years he was forced to stay with people who believed he was better off dead. 

When Frank had finished the first glass, Gerard quickly replaced with it with the second one. Frank sighed, not thinking that the water had the desired effect anymore. He needed something with more vitamins and minerals in it to replace the ones he lost, not plain water. Although he thought about rejecting it, the loving and caring expression on his boyfriend’s face made him feel guilty about even thinking considering not taking the last glass.

He knew that Gerard was waiting patiently for him to start to talk about what he’d seen in the nightmare – he could tell by the way his was fidgeting next to him. It had been so long since it had happened that he could sense Gerard was waiting to be his ‘knight in shining armour’, saving him from the memories that haunted his mind.

Frank knew he couldn’t be quiet forever because he felt like Gerard would crumble from not knowing about it.

Frank sighed to himself, and gave his boyfriend a clearly forced smile. “I didn’t wake Donna up, did it?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“No, I don’t think so. Her room is too far away to hear anything,” Gerard said, probably a bit too eagerly. “Unless we were getting murdered – I think she’d hear then.” Frank forced a laugh at Gerard’s passing joke, reminding himself that Gerard didn’t mean anything by it.

Another silence fell upon them, but this time it was more awkward than before.

Gerard sighed a little, and hesitated before he spoke. “What did you dream about, Baby? It seemed really bad...” he whispered, edging closer to Frank so they were pressed up against each other.

Frank shook his head and forced a smile. “It was nothing – I can’t remember it now,” he lied.

Gerard looked at him sceptically and took the half-empty glass from the other man’s hand. When the glass was on the bedside table, Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank’s middle, making his boyfriend let out a tiny whimper of fear.

“You’re lying,” Gerard said, concern lacing his voice. “I know you haven’t forgotten about it. If you had, you wouldn’t look as pale.” He gently brushed the strands of hair that had fallen into his face behind his ears. “You can tell me; it’ll be like before, but this time we’re older.” Gerard tried to lighten the topic a bit, but it only made Frank feel anger bubble inside him.

He took a deep breath, knowing that snapping at Gerard now wouldn’t help anyone – if anything, it would only make them both feel worse, and Frank wouldn’t know how to deal with it if Gerard decided to sleep somewhere else for the rest of the night.

“It was just about my parents. Nothing big,” he said, adding another smile to make it more believable. Gerard didn’t need to know _all_ the details, and it wasn’t like Frank was lying, either.

“Just that?” Gerard asked doubtfully. “It seemed worse than before, and you haven’t had any for years.”

Frank felt uncomfortable with the questioning, but didn’t want his boyfriend to become any more suspicious. “It’s just the house – bad memories, that’s all.”

Gerard instantly looked guilty, and Frank regretted mentioning where they were in relation to the reappearance of his bad dreams.

“But it’s just a one-off, I’m sure it’s a coincidence that it happened to be here,” he said quickly, not wanting Gerard to start to blame himself for it. It wasn’t his boyfriend’s fault, or his own fault – it was entirely down to his shitty parents and the hell they made him go through. Without them, he wouldn’t have been subjected to years and years of waking up alone and terrified, or being bullied at school. But, without the abuse, he wouldn’t have become closer to Mikey, which in turn, ended him up where he was.

His whole life situation was very bittersweet.

Frank felt his eyelids become heavier, and he nuzzled into the crook of Gerard’s neck. He felt safe here – like he had all those years ago. Nothing had changed, and Gerard was still keeping him tied down to earth instead of getting lost in his thoughts. He managed to keep his nightmares at bay whenever he was with Dan, knowing the random fits of screaming and vomiting would never make any sane person want to be with him. So, years and suppressing his fears, along with a concoction of over-the-counter pills helped him to sleep – regardless of the fact he was heavily drugged eighty percent of the time.

“I’ll talk about it more in the morning, if you want,” Frank yawned. “I’m tired and we still have ages before we have to leave.” Frank moved his head from Gerard’s shoulder, and gently pushed him down, until they were both lying facing each other.

“You scare me when you’re like that, Sweetheart,” Gerard whispered into the darkness. Frank made a quiet humming sound, and tangled their legs together, making them impossibly close. “You need to talk to someone professional if it happens again, okay? I’m not letting you go through that again – not like before.”

Frank nodded tiredly, too drained to speak. He wrapped his arms around Gerard’s middle, not caring enough that his left arm was crushed under the other man’s body. The body heat coming from Gerard, in addition to the silence of the room, quickly resulted in Frank falling asleep again.

When Gerard felt his boyfriend’s breaths become steady and contestant, he ran his fingers through his hair gently, trying to work out what had made him start to kick and scream so loudly.

All he knew that it was about Frank’s parents, but that was a common occurrence before and they had never resulted in him physically kicking out at investable people.

It scared him to think that Frank was taking steps backwards instead of great bounds forwards. He desperately wanted his boyfriend to be permanently free from the nightmares, not just occasionally when they were in certain places.

He was glad that they were together, and if it had been a coincide that Frank’s night terrors had returned he was happy that he was there to try and calm him down. He dreaded to think what may have happened if he decided to see his mom alone, leaving Frank in his small apartment scared and by himself.

“You’ll be okay,” he said to Frank, even though he was fast asleep. He lightly kissed the other man’s cheek, smiling to himself what Frank made a content, sleepy sound.

He’d make sure that it was definitely a one-off thing, and not a series of flashbacks which were only about to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the reason I tagged the warning of violence. 
> 
> Two updates in a week must be a record, and I'm trying my best to get into updating just on the weekends now. xo


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really stuck with this chapter and it seems really jumpy and everywhere -- sorry about that. I think the next one will be better xo

A loud thud from upstairs jolted Frank awake from his semi-peaceful sleep. He groaned sleepily, and turned to Gerard to see if he had heard to unusual sound. He reached over to where his boyfriend should have been, but was met with an empty space. On top of that, there was no left over warmth from the other man’s body, suggesting that he’d been gone for a while

Frank opened his eyes slightly and propped himself up against the headboard. He gazed around the room, hoping to see his boyfriend sitting at his desk or somewhere else in the room. Unfortunately, he wasn’t.

He considered staying in bed for a bit longer, telling himself that Gerard was probably in the bathroom or went to get a glass of water, but another loud bang came from the floor above, followed by someone swearing.

The amount of noise the person was making instantly ruled out a burglar, but a million more questions entered Frank’s brain.

He shifted from the bed and braced himself against the cool air which was hitting his exposed skin. Rubbing his arms to try and create some kind of heat from the friction, he slowly walked towards the door into the hallway.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, he saw that the kitchen light was on. Muttering to himself, he walked towards the room. He wasn’t bothered that Gerard decided to get up in the early hours of the morning to make something to eat, but he wished he could have been quiet about it – people were trying to sleep.

He turned the corner and was met with a scene of absolute destruction. Cans from the top shelves had been knocked off onto the floor; plates, bowls and glasses were littering the floor – some smashed to pieces and some were just chipped around the edges.

Frank looked around at the mess in shock, unsure what to make of it all. Carefully, he took a step into the kitchen and looked around the floor space. Among the pile of debris, he heard someone groan slightly. Frank sighed to himself and wondered over to where the noise was coming from.

“What have you done?” he asked as he moved some of the cans to the side so he could kneel down next to Gerard.

Gerard didn’t reply, but the strong smell of alcohol coming off him explained everything Frank needed to know. He sighed again, and tried to pull Gerard from the mass of cans and broken crockery. He needed to clean it all up before Donna came downstairs in a few hours – but that would have to wait until he got Gerard somewhere safer.

“Come on, this way,” Frank whispered, pulling Gerard up slowly. Gerard whined, but did he best to stagger to his feet. Knowing too well that Gerard wouldn’t make it down the stairs without falling and cracking his head open, Frank wrapped on arm around his boyfriend’s waist, the other around his shoulder, and practically forced him to walk forwards.

“Where we goin’?” Gerard slurred, giggling a little as Frank pushed him towards the living room.

“The couch,” Frank replied, irritation breaking through the voice.

“Aw, don’t be annoyed, Frankie. I – I only had one small drink, I swear,” Gerard said in, what he thought, was a completely sober voice. “Only one,” he repeated, holding up one finger to try and prove his point.

“Hmm, whatever you say,” Frank said, although he didn’t sound amused about Gerard’s childish behaviour.

It took them longer than Frank had anticipated getting into the other room, as Gerard had decided to stop cooperating with him when they tried to walk. Most of the time, he completely stop, making Frank physically push him towards the living room. By the end of their short walk, Frank was furious – which wasn’t helped by how shitty his own night was.

He instructed Gerard to lie on the couch, making sure he was on his side so that if he happened to throw up, he wouldn’t choke on the vomit. Gerard drunkenly giggled at him, probably not realising how pissed off his boyfriend was getting.

Frank left the room and went back into the kitchen. It replicated a bombsite, and he had no idea where to start. He didn’t let himself think about Gerard, who was now singing to himself in the other room. He didn’t let himself wonder why he decided to drink again – but he could probably guess why. For the first few months of he’d been advised to stay clear of anything alcoholic – that’s why Mikey had cleared his house.

It was all going horribly wrong.

***

By the time Frank had finished clearing the kitchen; Gerard has passed out on the sofa. As annoyed as he was about being woken up, he couldn’t help by worry about his boyfriend. He was doing so well, and was quickly approaching a month and a half sober, but the temptation of free alcohol must have won him over.

Frank sat on the art of the couch, watching Gerard sleep. Although he said he hadn’t drunk much, Frank knew it was a lie just by the way he struggled to stand on his own on the short walk to the adjacent room.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling tears start to well up in them. He didn’t think it would turn out like this – if anything, he thought it was going to be more straightforward, and he didn’t expect the reoccurrence of his nightmares or Gerard deciding it was a perfect time to fuck up.

Evidently, nothing was easy for them.

The sound of someone moving upstairs snapped Frank out of his thoughts. He took a deep breath and tried to regain some kind of composure. If he pretended that Gerard being drunk was a normal thing, Donna may not question it. He presumed that his boyfriend hadn’t told his mother about his alcoholism or recovery, so Frank had to go along with it, no matter how much it hurt.

He heard Donna walk down the stairs, and forced a sleepy smile on his face as she entered the room.

“Good morning,” she said, yawing a bit. Luckily, she didn’t notice Gerard and walked into the kitchen without another word.

Frank considered waking up Gerard, but knew it would only result in a drunken argument, or his boyfriend complaining about a hangover. So, still sat on the arm of the couch, he position himself to make it seem like this was a common thing. Donna wouldn’t suspect a thing.

“Did you sleep well?” Donna called from the kitchen as she made herself a cup of coffee.

“I did, thank you,” Frank lied, cringing when he heard how fake it sounded to his ears. Fortunately, Donna didn’t pick up on it, and gave Frank a warm smile when she re-entered the room.

She looked down at Gerard, a confused expression flickering across her face. Frank shrugged, and tried to offer her a reassuring smile – although he could feel it turn into a pained one instead.

Donna placed her mug on the coffee table and walked towards Gerard. She shot Frank a semi-concerned looked, but he just shrugged. Once she was beside the couch, she kneeled down and gently started to shake her son’s shoulders until he groaned sleepily.

“Leave me ‘lone,” he mumbled, turning away from his mother and snuggled down into the pillows.

“Gerard, what’s wrong? – are you drunk?” she asked, smelling the wafts of alcohol that came from him. She sighed in annoyance, but continued to pester her son. “Gerard, wake up,” she snapped.

Gerard rolled over and looked at her through semi-closed eyes. He grumbled something incoherent but didn’t look away this time.

“’m not drunk,” he slurred, completely destroying his point. He groaned again, covering his eyes with his hands, trying to block out the light. He could already feel a hangover starting, and started to regret ever deciding to drink. He told himself that he’d only have one, and no one would know. But one quickly became two, and two became three. Before he knew it, he had manage to drink quarter of his mom’s alcohol before he slumped to the floor, knocking random things to the floor has he fell.

Donna laughed sadly, shaking her head. “Come up, get up. We’ll take you downstairs because it’s quiet down there, and you’re going to have a killer headache in a few hours.” Gerard didn’t complain as he felt himself being dragged up from the couch. He could feel the alcohol in his stomach, making him feel sick as his mom guided him towards the stairs.

***

An awkward silence fell between Frank and Donna; neither of them knew exactly what to say. Frank kept his eyes on the ground, pretending that there was something interesting on the floor so he didn’t have to start a conversation with the woman opposite him.

He needed to get home, and as soon as possible. Once they were at Gerard’s apartment, things would be better, he told himself. The cramped space, which always smelled of damp, felt safe. It was a nice place – a place without a thousand memories attached to it.

Nothing of this would have happened if they didn’t come, and Frank started to regret coming. Gerard wasn’t ready to see his mom, and neither was he, clearly. They jumped in at the deep end, without thinking about it more.

The snow had stopped hours ago, and it had started to melt. The prospect of finally living the house was getting greater and greater; Frank couldn’t wait to get out. He just had to phone for a cab and they could go home and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Maybe, in years to come, they could look back at the events of seeing Donna and laugh about it, but it would take a while for any of them to find humour in their situation.

Frank still felt drained from his nightmare, and jumped every time he heard a loud bang. He didn’t want them to come back – he’d enjoyed so many years of finally having a peaceful night’s sleep without waking up vomiting. He had forgotten how tired he was after them, and was surprised he had managed it through school without dropping out due to fatigue.

“Is he usually like this?” Donna asked, motherly concern taking over her voice.

Frank thought about telling her about her son’s past addiction, but the worried look on her face told him to keep it from her – he wasn’t sure how many more surprises she could take, not that early in the day. Soon, Gerard would have to tell her because it was only right that she knew, but it had to wait.

“Rarely,” Frank replied with a shrug. He wasn’t lying, because Gerard was hardly like that... now.

Donna nodded, but didn’t say anything else. The silence fell upon them again, making Frank feel even more uncomfortable. He fidgeted, picking at the skin around his thumb until small specks of blood started to appear on his nail.

He didn’t know how to start a conversation about leaving without it sounding extremely rude, but the awkward silence was killing him slowly.

Donna mumbled something, stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Frank took the opportunity to jump to his feet and quickly make his way down to Gerard’s room to get them both away from the house and into a cab home.

***

The room was pitch black when Frank walked into the floor. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting, and carefully stepped towards the bed.

Gerard was still asleep, his head buried under the pillow. It would have been cute, but the overwhelming smell of bitter alcohol filled the room, making Frank gag a little. He poked Gerard’s side gently, hoping it was enough to wake him up.

Gerard groaned drowsily and rolled over to face Frank through the darkness.

“What?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

“We need to go,” Frank replied, unlocking his phone to try and find the number they called yesterday. Once he found it, he clicked call and pressed the phone to his ear.

He asked for the next cab to be sent to them when the man on the other end of the phone answered. They’d only have to wait fifteen minutes and then they could leave.

“Where we going?” Gerard asked, still dreading the throbbing pain in his head to get so much worse. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to move for a few days.

“Back to yours,” Frank said as he collected up their shoes from the floor. He threw them onto the bed next to Gerard, making him jump in surprise. “We have less than fifteen minutes until the car gets here, and I don’t want to keep them waiting.” And with that, Frank left the room to let Gerard get ready.

Slowly, he moved from the bed. He felt his head spin, and a horrible sickening feeling taking over his body. Trying to ignore it, he unlaced his shoes and struggled to put his feet in them.

He shouldn’t have drank – it was a stupid idea, and he knew it. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to stop once he started. He’d have to force himself back to the counselling sessions and sit with the rest of them – all dead in the eyes with no ambitions.

He didn’t want to sit in the circle again and introduce himself to the group of people who didn’t like him. He didn’t want to listen to the overly chirpy therapist making them talk about why they became an alcoholic.

Even if he didn’t want to go, he knew he had to this time, and probably stick to it too, considering he couldn’t be around anything alcoholic without nearly drinking himself into an early grave.

Frank came back a few minutes later, but didn’t turn on the light – much to Gerard’s relief.

“You ready, Baby?” he asked, sounding a lot calmer than before – more like himself. Gerard nodded slowly and stood up. He stumbled a little, but managed to catch himself before he fell. Frank wrapped his arm securely around his waist, and helped him out of the door and up the stairs.

***

They had only had a few seconds to say goodbye to Donna. Even though she didn’t look too happy that they were leaving in a rush, she didn’t say anything. She gave the both of them a quick hug and told them they needed to come back to visit. Frank nodded and said they would try, although he knew it wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

In the cab, Gerard buried his face into the crook of Frank’s neck, moaning in pain whenever there was a loud noise, and on sun happened to shine in his eyes. Frank stroked his hair gently during the journey, telling him that they had some pain relief at home. Gerard just continued to mumble sadly, and cuddled up to his boyfriend closer.

Frank watched the piles of snow flash past and they drove by them; it was all white for miles. He secretly hoped it snowed before they left, making it impossible for them to leave.

He sighed and placed small kisses on the top of Gerard’s head. He didn’t care that the driver was looking back at them, glaring. He could comfort his boyfriend if he wanted to, regardless of where they were.

They pulled up outside Gerard’s apartment block and the driver opened the door for them. Gerard whined at the cold air flooding the car, but didn’t move from Frank’s side.

“You need to move, Sweetheart. We’re home now,” Frank whispered, gently pushing Gerard away from him.

Frank swore he heard the driver mutter something under his breath, but didn’t question him about it. Instead, he looked at the other man and gave him a small smile, nodding down at Gerard and trying to tell him that they would be gone soon.

It took Frank a few minutes of gently persuasion to get Gerard out of the car and onto the snowy streets. When Gerard opened his eyes, he hissed in pain, but lowered his gaze away from the blinding sunlight above him. Without any more sounds of pain, he walked towards the apartment block whilst searching for his keys in his coat pocket.

Frank watched Gerard walk off into the distance, just to make sure he didn’t slip on the ice covering the sidewalk. When he was safely inside, Frank pulled out a handful of money and gave it to the driver, not caring enough to wait for the change.

***

Frank threw his coat onto the couch and called out for Gerard. When he didn’t get a reply, he walked around the small apartment – there weren’t many places he could be. He checked the bedroom first, but it was empty with only his coat thrown on top of the sheets.

“Gerard?” Frank called out again, and the sound of someone gagging came from the bathroom. “Great,” Frank muttered, although it wasn’t bitterly.

He walked towards the bathroom and pushed the door open. He sighed when he saw Gerard hunched over the toilet bowl, retching into it.

He walked around so he was next to Gerard, and sank down onto his knees. He rubbed small circles into the other man’s back, and held his hair out of the way. Frank had to stop himself from heaving with the acidic smell of vomit reached his nose.

Gerard let out a small cry and rested his head on the toilet seat, breathing heavily. Frank moved closer and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, pulling him into an uncomfortable. Gerard only cried harder, tears finally pouring down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry,” Frank begged, wiping away the tears with this thumb.

“Hurts,” Gerard whimpered, turning back to the toilet so he could dry heave into it.

Frank hushed him and kept rubbing his back gently. When Gerard had stopped retching, Frank went to get him some water.

Gerard sobbed quietly as Frank offered him the water, making his heartbreak as he watched him take small sips from the glass.

“I’m sorry – so sorry,” Gerard managed to weep between gasps of air.

“It’s fine, Sweetheart,” Frank said softly, moving more of the other man’s sweat drenched hair out of his face. “Just... don’t do it again. Promise me?”

Gerard nodded, looking sadly at Frank. His eyes were bloodshot, and there were tears streaking down his face. Frank kissed him, hoping to try and stop him from looking so depressed.

The clichés didn’t always work. Instead of making Gerard, he backed away from Frank and hit his head against the hard porcelain sink. He let out another cry of pain, and Frank pulled him to his feet.

“You’re going to end up looking yourself if you don’t move from here,” he said as he directed Gerard towards the door. “Go and lie down and I’ll bring you something to try and stop the pain, okay?”

Gerard staggered out of the bathroom, shielding his eyes from the bright light and attempted to walk in a straight line towards his bedroom door. Frank watched on, making sure that his boyfriend managed to get into the other room without tripping over his own feet, or walking right into the door or wall.

Once he heard the sound of a door opening, and then quickly closing, he started to look for anything to keep Gerard’s headache and vomiting at bay for a few hours, at least.

It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated, but I've started a new fic called [The Business of Organised Murder](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5413358/chapters/12507437), and I really like where it's going so far! If you could check it out, that would be lovely xo


	20. Chapter 19

Luckily, Frank’s nightmares didn’t return the following night- although, he wasn’t asleep long enough to see whether they would. Every time Frank felt himself starting to drift off to sleep, Gerard would moan in pain and complain about a headache or feeling sick. Frank would have to get up from bed to find his boyfriend some kind of pain relief or a bucket, as he didn’t want vomit to be in the new carpet which Mikey had kindly arranged for them to be put down whilst they were at Donna’s.

Frank guessed he had about four hours sleep for the entire night, and on top of Gerard’s behaviour and the memories of the nightmare that still haunted him, it didn’t put him in a great mood for the next morning.

When their alarm went off, Gerard groaned in pain and shouted something incoherent. He hit the bedside table a few times, successfully knocking the clock off the side and letting it smash onto the floor. With the sound no longer ringing around the room, Gerard buried his head under the pillow, trying to block out the stream of sunlight flooding into the room.

Wordlessly, Frank cleared up the broken glass on the floor and made a mental note about how they needed to buy a new alarm clock the next time they went out shopping. He wanted to shout at his boyfriend and tell him that he was acting like a stuck up teenager, but didn’t have the heart when he saw how rough he looked – not even his sleep deprived state could push him to raise his voice a little bit.

For a few hours, Frank flicked through TV channels, trying to find something vaguely interesting to keep him awake so he could help Gerard with anything he needed when he called.

He wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep, but the next thing he knew was that he was woken up by a loud bang of a pan hitting the floor, followed by someone swearing loudly.

Sleepily, he looked up from the sofa, and tried to see if he could work out what was happening without moving. He could see a figure in there – Gerard – trying to make himself something to eat. He watched for a little while longer, trying to suppress a laugh whenever a can fell from a top shelf, making the other man jump backwards. Frank didn’t know what he was trying to make as he’d collected a random amount of ingredients and had started to throw them into a pan.

Sensing that whatever Gerard was doing would only end up with someone in A&E, he got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. He stood in the archway, cautiously observing Gerard as he threw in yet another can on beans into the pan, and stirred it.

“What are you doing?” Frank asked, rubbing his eyes a little.

Gerard jumped, again, and looked around to see Frank standing at the door, smiling at him, even though he looked slightly confused.

“Lunch,” Gerard replied, shrugging a little. “Do you want some?”

Frank laughed. “I know you’re making lunch, but what _is_ lunch? You’ve put all the beans we’ve had into one pan – what are you trying to make with that?” Again, Gerard shrugged, and turned his attention back to the simmering pan of food. “You’re strange,” Frank said fondly as he walked back into the living room.

“But you love me,” Gerard called from the opposite room, making Frank laugh even more.

***

Somehow, the weird concoction Gerard had put into a pan turned out to become some kind of bean chilli, much to Frank’s utter surprise. They ate with the television playing on in the background, passing stupid looks to one another, trying to see who would laugh first.

“This is so immature,” Frank commented, still trying not to laugh as his boyfriend pulled a stupid face.

“You’re just bitter because you know you’re losing,” Gerard said, raising an eyebrow slightly. Frank gasped, faking offence, but Gerard didn’t laugh – he didn’t even smile. “What prize do _I_ get when _I_ win?”

Frank narrowed his eyes and tutted. “You mean what _I_ get?” he corrected his boyfriend. “I don’t know – a nap, maybe? You kept me up all night.” Frank managed to keep his tone light, although he could feel his eyes starting to burn because of the lack of sleep.

Gerard smile flattered a bit at Frank’s comment. “Sorry,” he muttered guiltily. Frank ignored the apology, and kept up with the game. “You should’ve just ignored me,” Gerard mumbled, a bit sadly.

Frank sighed and edged towards Gerard, linking their fingers together. “Why would I have done that? I’m meant to look after you – not ignore you when you’re feeling sick. That’s not what partners do.”

“But it was my fault I was like that – you didn’t need to do anything, I’m sure I could have handled it on my own.”

“You kept on moaning in pain every time you move, and you broke out alarm clock because it was too loud. To me, Gerard, that kind of proves that you weren’t able to do it yourself. You could hardly walk last night, remember?” Frank said, laughing gently so he didn’t sound too annoyed.

Gerard looked ashamed at the fact he’d managed to get so drunk the night before, and that it was at his _mother’s house_. He’d fucked everything up for them, and he was certain that Donna wouldn’t want to see them again, especially after the clear lack of self-control he showed around anything alcoholic.

“We shouldn’t have gone to see my mom,” Gerard whined. He struggled for a bit, trying to get Frank to let go of his hands, but once he felt the pressure increase on them, he knew it was pointless.

“It was fun?” Frank suggested, but his uncertain tone killed off any of the reassurance he was trying to give his boyfriend.

Gerard laughed and shook his head in dismay. “See – even you didn’t think it was good. What did we get out of it? You got your nightmares back, and I fucked up by drinking again.”

“You didn’t fuck up,” Frank said softly, leaning forwards and pressing a gently kiss onto Gerard’s cheek. “We weren’t ready, let’s say. We did jump in at the deep-end, and we could have waited a little while longer.” Gerard opened his mouth to say that it was his fault, but Frank cut across him. “ _But_ , that doesn’t mean to say that we would ever be prepared for it. We were both scared – terrified – and now it’s done. We won’t have to do it again for a while, at least.”

Gerard nodded silently. He guessed Frank had a point. Now it was done, it was done. They didn’t have to go back, and now they could get on with their lives knowing Donna hadn’t rejected them completely – which was a bonus.

All they had to do was work towards smaller steps, like Gerard actually getting a proper job in the art industry, or Frank finding a new employer. Those were the next milestones they had to reach, but Gerard knew they still had time. It hadn’t reached the New Year yet, and they could put their plans into action.

Frank leaned over and took Gerard’s bowl from his hand, placing them safely on the floor.

“Lie down,” Frank asked out of the blue.

Confused, Gerard shuffled down the sofa until he was lying flat on his back. Frank smiled when he complied, and lay done next to him.

“What are you doing?” Gerard questioned, looked at Frank from the corner of his eye.

“Technically, I won that stupid game, so I’m going to nap. On you. Let’s call it payback or something,” he said sleepily, cuddling up to Gerard on the small couch. Gerard laughed, but didn’t complain. He used the arm closest to Frank to hook around him, making sure his boyfriend didn’t fall off, and tangled their legs together.

Although it wasn’t the comfiest place they’d ever slept, Frank was fast asleep within minutes.

***

As Frank slept, Gerard made sure he was awake. He wanted to be up, just in case any nightmares returned. He wanted to be the first person to react to them – to be the first person to comfort his shaking boyfriend as his own mind uncovered memories from years ago, turning them into grotesque scenes which played behind his closed eyes.

The apartment was silent, letting Gerard think about what had happened in his mother’s house. It was clear that he needed to go back to the therapy sessions, much to his discontent, but if he couldn’t stay sober around a couple of bottles of strong liquor, then he would be hopeless in every single social situation to come.

Even though his situation seemed bleak, the thought of drinking excessively again was not longer as attractive as it used to be for him. This time, the mere thought of drinking himself to an early grave made him panic, whereas before it would have kept him going – wishing for death.

This time around, he _did_ have something to live for, and something to try and achieve.

He looked down at Frank fondly, stroking his hair as he slept. He still felt guilty about having him do everything he needed throughout the night – but Frank was right, he couldn’t have done anything, and if he was sick on the floor, Mikey would have never let him live it down.

Rejoining the counselling group, finding an actual job, and getting something done with his life were all on Gerard’s to-do list for the following year, and he was determined to make it better than last.

He needed to talk to try and talk to Frank about his nightmares and flashbacks. He knew if they reoccurred, something needed to be done about them. He was going to let them go through their teenage years when Frank used to stay up sobbing for hours every night until he passed out because of the exhaustion. Gerard was sure there was some kind of medication available to them, and if not there was always the option of sending Frank off to at least one therapy session. He said that speak therapy and helped with his stutter, and it had proven to be successful, so there was no reason to work for the night terrors.

He hated Frank’s for fucking up their son like that, and he hoped they would die in prison. Although he hoped for it to be true, he knew the time they were doing in prison was quickly coming to an end, and they could find them – hunt them down – and try to torture Frank again.

He remembered their lawyer telling them that they could get a restraining order from Mr. and Mrs. Iero, but what use would it be? They could easily break the distance, only causing Frank more distress than he already had. He didn’t need anything else bad happening to him, and he certainly didn’t deserve it.

“We’re going to get better,” he whispered to Frank, even though he knew Frank wouldn’t hear him. “We’re going to finally leave this place, and find somewhere of our own – away from Dan and your parents. It’ll be a fresh start for us.”

Frank mumbled something in his sleep, and cuddled up to Gerard’s side more. Although Gerard knew it wasn’t his boyfriend replying to him, he smiled regardless.

Gerard had managed to build up so many fantasies in his head over the years they’d been apart, and they had all included some kind of townhouse and a pet. He was determined to get at least one of these things, and since his landlord didn’t allow pets; he hoped he could get both of his dreams in one, despite the consequences of how much it would cost them.

Besides, he didn’t give up on seeing Frank again, and miraculously, he was now sound asleep on Gerard, using his stomach as a pillow. And he thought he was going to be stuck in his dead-end job with the pissy customers and his controlling boss, whilst trying to drink himself to death.

But now things were so much different, he couldn’t quite believe it.

Gerard laughed to himself, it didn’t seem real. Maybe it was all a dream and he was going to wake up from it in the morning. He hopes it wasn’t, Gerard thought to himself as he ran his fingers through Frank’s hair gently. And, if it was, he hoped he never woke up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started to lose the train of thought I had with this fic, but I wanted to write something happier because my other [fic ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5413358/chapters/12507437)was slightly heavier than I intended (oops!) And my dad had a fit on Thursday and had to go to hospital. Basically, this week has been a mess and it shows in this shitty chapter where fuck all happens. However, I'll try my best to get the next chapter better, and I have a feeling there's probably less than 10 chapters left of this entire fic, which is a little sad. 
> 
> Anyway, until next time... xo


	21. Chapter 20

Group counselling was still how he remembered it: fake, boring and useless. No one cared about how he was feeling, and he didn’t care about their lives. He was only there because he felt like he owed something to Frank. If it wasn’t for him, he wouldn’t have kept it boyfriend up all night complaining about headache and nausea. Plus, is program was six weeks long, and he had only managed one session – he probably owed a second try at it to Mikey, too.

Once again he was sat in a semi-circle surrounded by people who didn’t give a shit. The therapist walked in – this time, it was someone different. She was called Erica and was a perky blonde from somewhere in the UK. They always insisted on giving the people in the group counselling session a back-story about themselves, claiming it made them all ‘friends’ and that they would ‘get to know each other better’.

Gerard thought it was bullshit, as did the other people. It was clear the counsellors loved to speak about themselves at every opportunity they were given. To Gerard, it seemed like they wanted to make themselves superior to the pathetic addicts around them. Were they alcoholics? No. Drug addicts? Of course not. They were privileged people who got their parents to spend large amounts of money on a college degree in some fancy university. They had never experience what the people around them had been through – they’d never felt so helpless that they had to turn to illegal substances just to get through the day.

That’s why Gerard found it next to impossible to listen to the girl talk about her ‘life changing’ trip to Kenya in 2009.

When Erica had _finally_ stopped talking, she went around the group. A strong sense of déjà vu hit Gerard when he heard the soulless voices of the people around him mumble out their story and why they ended up how they were. It wasn’t fair to make them confess their sins to strangers. However, many people in the group seemed to be accustomed to how the sessions worked and easily said what their issue was – as it if didn’t matter.

To Gerard’s left there was a woman slumped down in the seat. She looked like she’d been there for too long, and just wanted to get away from everyone. Erica pointed to the person and she sighed to herself.

“Olivia,” the woman mumbled, not making herself loud enough to be heard by most of the other people to hear. When Erica asked her to repeat her name, she ignored the councillor, causing Gerard smile smugly – at least he wasn’t the only one who wasn’t too fond of the woman sat in front of them.

Gerard learned that she was only there because her mother had forced her to go, saying if she refused to at least _talk_ about her alcoholism she’d be kicked out onto the streets for good. Not fancying sleeping in some store doorway, she agreed, albeit unwillingly.

Her story reflected most of Gerard’s – a mix of depression, loneliness and rejection all resulting in a dependency on alcohol and the occasional use of prescription drugs to battle through the long days.

Soon enough, it was Gerard’s turn. He hated everything about ‘introducing’ himself to the rest of the group – it felt immature for of adults; it was something that he was forced to do when he started school at five, not in his late twenties.

Still, he couldn’t do anything. Copying Olivia’s approach, he mumbled what he was meant to say – leaving out some things people didn’t need to know. His five minute timeslot seemed to drag on for _hours_ , but Erica eventually nodded at him and moved on to the next person.

He had to suffer through another five of the one hour session once a week, and he was already starting to doubt its effectiveness. He counted himself lucky, though. This time there wasn’t a bitchy woman sat in the far corner passing comments about everything he said like before.

***

Frank was trying to plan out a short article about a fireman who saved a cat from a burning building. The story was big, apparently, and Frank was told to write about it. It sounded dull to him – and too cliché for it to be real.

They’d posted him an envelope full of quotes from the fireman who saved a woman’s beloved cat to throw in. Frank doubted whether they were genuine quotes, but he reminded himself to add in a few – to make his boss happy, at least.

He was surprised he still had his job as he hadn’t stepped foot into his office for a good couple of months, claiming he was too sick to work whenever a colleague called up to check on him. Soon, he’d have to get a note off a certified doctor, and Frank knew he couldn’t convincingly forge one.

He had cleared a space off Gerard’s desk, allowing him a small amount of room to rest his laptop. He couldn’t stop thinking of Gerard stuck in that goddamn hall again. When they bumped into each other outside it, Gerard looked more than pissed off – he clearly hated it there, but he didn’t blame his boyfriend. The thought of being forced into confessing your deepest thoughts to a handful of strangers wouldn’t have been the first thing on his list to do.

Perhaps they could find something more one-to-one than a group session. Frank didn’t care about the cost, as he knew it would be considerably more expensive than what they were already paying, but he was sure he could find the money somewhere.

He sighed to himself and decided to start to type a draft of the article. He just had to make it as interesting as possible. Luckily, that had always been his strongpoint – he could bullshit to save his life.

It was approaching two in the afternoon when Frank heard the door swing open, hitting the wall with a loud bang. Evidently, group therapy hadn’t gone well at _all_.

“How was it?” Frank asked, standing up from the desk and turning towards his boyfriend. Frank yelped in surprise when he saw Gerard was a lot closer than he anticipated.

“Shit,” Gerard said, reaching for the hem of Frank’s shirt and pulling it up over his head within seconds. He threw it on the floor and started to toe off his shoes.

Frank looked at him, a confused expression on his face. He felt exposed and vulnerable standing half naked in front of Gerard, but didn’t bother trying to reach for another shirt or cover himself with the blankets on the bed – he knew his attempts would be futile.

He watched Gerard as he stripped off his shirt, quickly followed by his jeans. All Frank could do was stare at the man in front of him, his eyes darkening with lust.

“Off,” Gerard grunted, tugging at Frank’s waistband. It didn’t take him long to undo his jeans and discard them onto the floor along with his shirt. Gerard swore under his breath and he looked at his boyfriend. He was perfect – absolutely perfect. His tattoos covered his skin, lacing up and around his arms. To Gerard, he was a walking piece of art, and he was all _his_.

Frank squirmed under Gerard’s gaze, not liking how long he was staring. “What are you looking at?” he laughed, albeit uncomfortably.

“You,” Gerard whispered. Before Frank could reply, Gerard was forcefully pushing him back towards the nearest wall, pinning him against it. “Fuckin’ beautiful,” he breathed. The heat of Gerard’s breath hitting Frank’s neck made him shiver, lust flooding his veins.

Gerard started kissing Frank’s neck, sucking and nipping at the pulse. The twinge of pain made Frank let out a small moan of pleasure. Gerard did it again, making sure he didn’t put too much effort into it – he didn’t want to draw blood.

“Keep – keep doing that,” Frank moaned, writhing underneath Gerard’s body. As asked, Gerard kept nipping at the sensitive spot beneath Frank’s ear, living off the shameless sounds his boyfriend was making with every slight bite.

Gerard moved downward, letting out a small laugh when Frank groaned at the loss of contact. He felt light kisses being placed on his shoulder, then to his collar bone and down towards his abdomen. Frank let his eyes flutter shut with every new kiss, loving how Gerard’s cold lips made goose bumps appear on his skin.

As soon as they started, the feather light kisses stopped. Frank opened his eyes and looked down, trying not to look puzzled. “What are you-? Oh, _shit_ ,” Frank moaned and let his eyes flutter shut again as he saw his boyfriend kneeling before him, playing with the waistband of his boxers.

“You look tense, Baby. Try and relax – I’ll take care of you,” Gerard said in a low voice, looking up at Frank through half-lidded eyes, as he started to pull down Frank’s boxers slowly.

Frank pushed himself against the wall and pressed his palms against the flat surface. He needed something to hold on to – something to support himself – be found nothing. However, he couldn’t dwell on it for too long because he felt the cold rush of air hit him as Gerard pulled of his boxers.

Gerard moaned something obscene and started to kiss Frank’s sharp hipbones, making his boyfriend his buck – searching for something more than just kisses.

“You’re so needy,” Gerard laughed, tracing his tongue along Frank’s tattoos. Frank moaned deeply and started to push Gerard’s head down, not caring how much of an insensitive asshole it made him seem – he was done with all the teasing.

Without complaint, Gerard positioned himself in front of his boyfriend, spreading his legs a bit so he could keep his balance on the hard floor. Gerard edged forwards and sucked the head of Frank’s cock into his mouth.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Frank groaned, his head going back in pure ecstasy. He tangled his hands in Gerard’s hair, running the strands through his fingers.

Gerard hummed softly, and started to lick the slit of Frank’s dick, taste the bitterness of the precum which was already forming on the tip. The taste made him cringe, but Gerard closed his eyes and concentrated on the blissfully needy noises his boyfriend was making because of him – no one else would make him make those sounds.

Gerard swallowed, taking in Frank’s cock slowly – almost too slowly. Frank kept Gerard’s hair in a tight grip, pushing Gerard forward. When he felt Gerard gag, he managed to moan out an apology, and went back to stroking his boyfriend’s hair instead.

Gerard brought his tongue along the vein running down Frank’s member, making the other man shudder with pleasure.

“If you keep on doing that I’m not going to last much longer,” Frank warned, breathlessly. Gerard didn’t listen, and dragged his tongue long the vein for a second time. “ _Gerard_.”

Again, he made a humming noise, sending small vibrations up Frank’s body. He forced himself to take more of Frank into his mouth, trying to stop his gagging reflexes and he felt it hit the back of his throat.

Frank bucked his hips forward, making Gerard gag violently with the sudden force. He pulled back a bit, wiping the tears from his eyes, and took a few deep breaths to control his breathing.

“Sorry,” Frank said, his voice wobbling a bit. He leaned down and kissed the top of Gerard’s head gently, in an attempt to show he wasn’t an utter asshole.

“It’s fine,” Gerard said softly in a hoarse voice. “Try not to choke me.” With a final deep breath, Gerard resumed his previous position. He bobbed his head, making Frank moan loudly and his grip on Gerard’s hair became vice-like.

“So good, Baby,” Frank praised. “So – _oh!_ – good.”

It wasn’t long before Frank’s moans became more frequent and desperate, and Gerard knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. He smirked and pulled back a bit, swirling his tongue on the slit of Frank’s dick, causing his boyfriend to let out a string of incoherent curses.

Moments later, Frank moaned Gerard’s name, and his mouth filled with Frank’s cum. He looked up at Frank and made sure their eyes were fixed on one another before swallowing. He trying to hide his disgust as the bitter, warm liquid went down his throat, but was quickly pulled to his feet and kissed roughly on the mouth, opening his mouth to let Frank’s tongue in.

The kiss was dirty, and despite what Frank thought, the taste of himself in Gerard’s mouth wasn’t as off-putting as he first anticipated.

He smoothed Gerard’s hair down as they made out against the bedroom wall, listening to Gerard sigh into his mouth. He felt Gerard wrap a leg around his, pulling his naked figure closer until he could feel his boyfriend’s fast heart beating against his chest.

“Bed,” Frank managed to say between heated kisses. Gerard obeyed eagerly, and turned towards the bed. He sat down on the sheets, watching as his boyfriend staggered towards him, smirking. “What?” Frank asked, trying to sound pissed off, but was quickly flawed by the sound of his sex-ruined voice.

Gerard didn’t reply, but cocked an eyebrow. Frank laughed and shook his head, hoping his legs would manage to carry him the remaining few metres.

Frank sat down on the edge of the bed with a content sigh. He turned towards Gerard, who had managed to pull his boxers half way down his legs and was quickly trying to get himself off – right in front of Frank.

He gaped at his boyfriend, who had let his head loll back with pleasure. He heard Gerard made small gasping sounds with every firm stroke, and flicked his wrist. Gerard knew that Frank was watching him – he could feel his eyes burning holes into him – making sure every moan was ten times as loud, and every movement was explicitly erotic.

Frank kept looking between Gerard’s hand and face, not sure which one he wanted to focus on more. He loved seeing the muscles in his boyfriend’s face relax every time he touch himself, but didn’t want to deny himself seeing the moment Gerard came into his hand.

It was as if Gerard was giving Frank his own little porn scene, and he wished he could film the sight before him. But he knew Gerard wouldn’t consent to anything like that...

Gerard’s gasps and moans became shriller and his toes curled. Soon after, he moaned Frank’s name, sending cum splattering all over his hand and chest.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Frank muttered, looking at his boyfriend who had slumped against the sheets, a small smile spreading across his face as he beckoned Frank towards him. Frank shook his head, and slowly stood up. The orgasm still left his legs feeling weak, but Frank managed to grab the box of tissues from the bedside table. Throwing them onto the bed, Gerard grabbed a handful and started to wipe the streaks of white from his chest and hand.

Once he was finished, Gerard threw the tissues onto the floor, and tried to coax Frank back into bed with him. Without much convincing, Frank crawled into the bed, and under the covers.

“So hot – _shit_ ,” Frank mumbled. Gerard giggled and curled up to Frank, wrapping his arms around the other man’s waist. Early on, Frank discovered that Gerard loved to cuddle after sex, and he wasn’t going to complain. He’d had many boyfriends previously who would get on with the rest of their day – Frank craved the intimacy and closeness of sharing someone’s body heat following sex. It made it more romantic, in a sense – making obvious they were a couple, and not two people on a one night stand.

“Mhm, you weren’t too bad yourself. I didn’t know how needy you were,” Gerard joked.

“I’m _not_ needy!” Frank protested, holding Gerard closer to him.

“Oh, really?” Gerard questioned. He mocked Frank’s moaning and begging, only making them both laugh quietly.

“Whatever – how was the meeting, then?” Frank asked, changing the topic so he wasn’t subjected to his boyfriend’s endless mocking.

Gerard shrugged and nuzzled Frank’s collarbone. “I told you, it was shit – I never want to go back.”

Frank nodded quietly. “We’ll think of something soon, probably when we wake up tomorrow. You definitely don’t have to go back, but if every session makes you horny, then I’m not against it.”

Gerard snorted and shook his head. “You just want easy blowjobs every week, don’t you?” he asked, chuckling. When Frank didn’t reply, Gerard gasped in fake shock. “You-“

“A man’s got his needs – what can I say?” Frank said before Gerard could say anything else. He felt Gerard poke his side and shake his head again. “How can I not when I have you and your fucking mouth with me all the time?”

“So that’s what I am to you? – A simple way to get off?” Gerard asked, pretending to be hurt by the comment.

Frank placed a gently kiss to Gerard’s cheek. “You know that’s not true. I love you, really.”

“Hmm, sure you do.” Gerard wriggled around so his head was resting under Frank’s chin securely. He yawned and felt his eyelid become heavier as the heat from his boyfriend’s body made him relax even further.

“Sleep, Baby. We’re both tired,” Frank whispered, kissing the top of his boyfriend’s head again. Gerard murmured something, but Frank didn’t catch it. Before long, he felt Gerard’s body go lax against his, and he stroked his boyfriend’s hair until he finally fell into a post-coital sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been forced to my grandparents house and you know you've reached new lows when you lock yourself in a bathroom to write shitty smut.
> 
> Please excuse how god-awful the sex scene is here. Being an asexual, eighteen year old girl there are just some things you don't know about (or care to look in to), so all my knowledge is based on fics xo
> 
> P.S. sorry my chapters are getting really short lately, I've had a lot to do and not enough time but I really wanted to get things posted. Also, I have mock exams coming up in early January, so all my fics won't be updated are regularly as I'd like them to be.


	22. Chapter 21

“Yes, I understand that – I _do_.” Gerard heard Frank repeating for the fourth time. He’d been on the phone for over twenty minutes, but refused to tell his boyfriend who he was arguing with. He watched as Frank started to walk around the small living room, tugging on his hair in frustration. “Can’t you keep them away? – I don’t fucking know!”

Still in silence, Gerard patted the space beside him on the couch, hoping to get his boyfriend to sit next to him. He didn’t like seeing Frank pull out his hair as he muttered down the phone. It was stressing Gerard out not knowing who the other person was and why they were making Frank act in that way.

He looked up at Frank, pleading with his eyes. When Frank caught his eye, he shook his head and continued to pace around the room, still trying to reason with the other person.

“What if they come and find me? You know they won’t listen to restraining orders – they _won’t_.” Gerard felt something heavy hit the pit of his stomach. It didn’t take much thought to work out who Frank was now talking to. They were probably a cop – or social worker – saying that something was happening with his parents, and by the way his boyfriend was acting, it clearly wasn’t a good thing.

Frank went silent for a while, looking off into the distance absently. Gerard didn’t like it. It looked like his boyfriend was remembering how his parents’ treated him for years – endless abuse and neglect wasn’t easy to forget, no matter how many times Frank claimed to have moved on and pushed the memories to the back of his mind. He had all he wanted in Gerard’s shitty apartment, Frank said one evening. Although it made Gerard smile, he knew it wasn’t the truth.

“You _need_ to keep them in there for longer – both of them! They’re going to find me,” Frank argued, sounding more distressed as the person on the other end of the phone talked. He didn’t understand why they couldn’t send his parents someplace else. He finally felt happy where he was, and he had all he needed in Gerard’s apartment. He was free from Dan and getting his life together.

But, of course, life never went to plan for him.

“I am aware you don’t have any other choice, I’m not stupid. Can’t you force them both away from around here? I don’t want them finding me – what if I come across them both in the streets? They’ll _kill me_ on the spot!” Frank felt tears well up in his eyes when he realised that his parents – especially his father – wouldn’t have any issue about causing serious harm in the open. Frank was sure that they would both want some kind of revenge for locking them both up for a decade – anyone would, it was only a natural instinct. His parents had hated him enough when he was a teenager, he dreaded to think how they’d feel about him now...

Frank groaned and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, offering Gerard a weak smile. It was obvious that his boyfriend had already caught on to what he was talking about, but he knew he would have had to tell him someday.

He kept on trying to change the policewoman’s mind, giving her endless reasons why his mom and dad had to stay in prison and away from him. Everything he said was quickly rejected and was told that they were no longer needed behind bars – their time was up. The woman tried to reassure him by claiming they wouldn’t lay a finger on his, not after the isolation and shame that jail had brought them.

But that’s what Frank feared the most. He was the reason they had been a talking-point around the church congregations and gossiped about for _years_. He’d sometimes overhear people talking about them as he walked past the church he was forced to attend. He heard Mrs. Avery – a respected member of their church – mutter under her breath, glaring as Frank hurried past the group of elderly women.

They, too, knew it was his fault that Mr. and Mrs. Iero weren’t joining them for their annual charity Christmas carolling. If he had just kept his mouth shut and kept the bruises concealed better, it wouldn’t have happened. He could take the abuse, he told himself. And the neglect. He was older now and could defend himself better. All he had to do was suck it up.

Being kicked and punched repeatedly wasn’t bad; many people his age had it done to them. He was nothing special. He should have just lied at sixteen, saying it was a school bully and not his parents. Why did he have to be so weak?

Frank didn’t realise he was crying until he felt Gerard’s thumb gently removing the tears from his cheek before pulling him into a tight embrace. Gerard reached for the phone, and talked to the woman for a while. Frank didn’t bother listening to what was being said – all he could think about was his parents now walking around as free people.

He felt sick.

He knew they had to be released soon – they couldn’t stay in prison forever (although, that was what Donna believed they deserved when he was forced to retell the endless stories of his cruelty and neglect), but he thought he would have been prepared for the prospect of his parents being released. He thought he would be away from America, perhaps in Europe. Somewhere they couldn’t find him, no matter how hard they tried.

“It’ll be okay, you’ll be fine,” Gerard said, over and over again, making it sound like he was chanting out the words. He didn’t know who he was trying to comfort after five minutes of saying the same sentence multiple times. He didn’t want Frank to become recluse and quiet – refusing to go outside due to the fear of bumping into his abusers. But, then again, Gerard didn’t want to see them. He hadn’t met the people who had tortured their own flesh and blood for years. What he gathered from Frank, they didn’t seem like the most accepting family; two devout Christians wouldn’t be too fond of their son’s boyfriend – not to mention he was the person who got Frank to get the authorities involved with them.

“They’re g-going to see me, aren’t they?” Frank sobbed, gripping onto Gerard’s shirt. “They’re going to s-see me and then hurt me, just l-like before.”

“They won’t hurt you, Sweetheart.” Gerard kissed Frank’s cheek, trying to make his words sound genuine. He didn’t want Frank to worry, not again. He’d been through enough as a child – more than anyone would ever experience.

“My mom won’t, but I know my dad will. You- you know he will.” Frank shook against Gerard’s body, burying his face into the crook of the older man’s neck. He kept on crying, and nothing Gerard said to console him would help – it only made him sob impossibly harder.

“Frank, listen,” Gerard said, firmly. He pushed his boyfriend back from his chest, making him look at him in the eyes. “They _can’t_ hurt you – not in broad daylight. They may not be nice, but they aren’t stupid. You’ll be safe, okay?”

Frank sniffed loudly, shaking his head. “But, what if-“

“Do you think they’d want to go back to jail for assault only weeks after they’ve been released?” Frank didn’t reply, only lowering his head to gaze at the floor. “They won’t. No one would. And, besides, I don’t think they would recognise you on the streets – you look like a totally different person.” Gerard took Frank’s hand in his own, tracing the tattoos covering his skin. “You really aren’t the timid seventeen year old they remember,” he said softly, smiling gently and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Gerard swore he saw Frank blush, but he ducked his head before Gerard was certain.

“And, if they do come anywhere near you, I’ll beat them up for you.”

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Frank laughed, albeit sadly. “Besides, my dad would knock you out within seconds.”

“Well, I would for you.” Gerard kissed Frank’s cheek, praying it would make the other man would stop looking to worried, he didn’t want to try and calm Frank down from a panic attack.

It was weird, Gerard thought to himself. They were both fucking messes, hardly able to keep themselves stable, but somehow – _somehow_ – they worked despite everything.

Frank laugh quietly, knowing what Gerard was saying was all a string of lies to make feel better. It was working, to an extent. He didn’t feel as nervous as before, but the thought of stepping outside the small confines of Gerard’s apartment made his legs feel weak. If he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t go to work. Frank could practically see his job slipping away from him – and the fact he hadn’t stepped foot into the office building in months was not helping his case at all.

He needed to keep his job. Without it, he couldn’t pay his share of the rent or save up to try and buy them the townhouse Gerard had always dreamed about. Whenever his boyfriend looked through a newspaper, he pointed out random houses, always commenting on how much he’d love to live there one day, but never had enough money to buy one. It made Frank awful whenever he saw Gerard turn the page, trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

Frank knew Gerard hated his apartment. Who wouldn’t? No one would want to stay in his rundown place, especially when it was linked to his periods of alcoholism and depression. There was nothing good about his house – nothing worth holding on to.

Gerard kept on mumbling kind words, but Frank couldn’t hear him properly. He was too caught up in his own fantasy – the same which Gerard had, too. He wanted the house with the garden so he could get a couple of dogs. He wanted a stable life, no one which was controlled by rent and work responsibilities. He could have had this all if he just worked hard enough. It was simple enough to get a promotion in his job, but he had been slacking a lot since Dan threw him out. He had phoned his boss, telling him that he was not going to be in work for a while, claiming it was family issues. His boss didn’t question him (luckily) and said he could have a few weeks off – and if he needed longer, he could always email him short articles to go into their online blog.

However, that deal was almost two months old, and Frank had done the bare minimal for his boss. Sometimes he wondered how he hadn’t been fired weeks ago, but he didn’t complain. Frank was happy that his boss was nice enough not to sack him, but knew the kindness would wear thin soon.

It wasn’t like Gerard’s career in art was thriving, either. Frank wasn’t sure the last time he’d seen a new piece of work done by the other man. Although he didn’t want to pressure his boyfriend, knowing it would only make him become irritated, he stayed back. He wished Gerard would get something done and try and advertise it somewhere for people to buy it. His art supplies were expensive, and their two incomes couldn’t keep up with their costs.

He would have to bring it up at some point, though. He couldn’t let anyone forget about Gerard’s art after the market they had attended. The money they made from the sales in December had all but gone on utility bills and the ice skating Gerard forced Frank to do around Christmas.

Frank loved the experience, and it was fun, but he wished Gerard wasn’t so ignorant with money. It seemed like when he got any extra money, he spent it within seconds on things which weren’t necessary at the time. Did they really need to spend all they had on a few hours of skating in an overcrowded rink? No. Did they need to save money to get out of Gerard’s shithole apartment? Yes – desperately.

“- and then we could go somewhere. I think there’s a vegan restaurant close by,” Gerard thought aloud, plucking ideas and suggestions out of thin air.

“No- no, I don’t want to go out...not this soon, anyway,” Frank said, quietly. He felt bad for rejecting his boyfriend’s ideas so quickly, but he couldn’t go out – not just yet. Also, vegan cafes were _expensive_ , and they didn’t have the money to waste on food they could make at home.

Fortunately, Gerard didn’t look too bothered with his plan being shot down within seconds. He gave Frank a small smile, placing a kiss on the edge of his boyfriend’s mouth. “I’ll make us something then; we went shopping recently, so there should be something nice here. You should lie down – you still look like you’re going to have a panic attack.”

Frank didn’t complain at the request. His throat felt raw from crying and he was exhausted. Too much was happening in such a short space of time, he couldn’t keep up with it all.

If anything, he hoped that if he went to sleep for a while, he’d wake up and realise it was all a bad dream – something made up by his unconscious mind, showing his anxieties. He’d dreamed about his parents being released from prison and coming to finish what they started – killing him in the most brutal ways. He would scream out for Gerard, but his boyfriend would just stand by the doorway, staring at Frank as his father started to kick in him the stomach, whilst his mother read something out from the Bible about the sins he had committed.

Frank always woke up from those nightmares covered in sweat and tears, shaking hard. He had taught himself to stop screaming whilst the dreams played behind his eyes when he slept in the same bed as Dan; his ex-boyfriend would always scold him for waking him up. As well as suppressing the cries of pain, he managed to stop himself writhing and thrashing about.

Dan used to shout at him whenever he used to wake up sobbing, telling him he was insane; unstable; fucked up; psychopathic – whichever insult came to him in the early hours of the morning. Although Dan apologised the following morning, which usually consisted of some sexual favour, it was easier for them both if Dan got a good night’s sleep.

Gerard never knew about Frank’s nightmare – not now, anyway, and that was how Frank wanted to keep it. If Gerard didn’t worry, he wouldn’t be treated differently or with extra care.

It was all going so well, but Donna’s house... Something about that house – that bedroom – made all of Frank’s hard work vanish. He had to start all the way back at square one. He hoped it would be easy enough to get back into. Disturbing Gerard would only put unnecessary strain on their relationship – something they didn’t need at all.

He wished he didn’t have to be so pathetic about everything that had happened. It was over, and he knew it, but his night terrors plagued him. Even though they nowhere near as frequent as they were in his teenage years, they had become increasingly more violet and gruesome. Before, they were just of his parents hitting him, or yelling, but nothing more. It was a normal day for him, then, but now they’d become more graphic. Being killed was a reoccurring theme in his dreams, and they became increasingly worse as the weeks went by.

Mr. and Mrs. Iero may have been abused towards him, but he was certain they weren’t murderers. Frank could clearly recall the time his mother would go over the Ten Commandments with him. “You shall not murder,” his mother would say as they went through them all individually. Both his parents were very strict with their religious teachings – he was certain they wouldn’t go against the Commandments because of their sinful son.

Or, at least, that is what he hoped.

Frank lay down in the centre of the double bed, curling up into the foetal position on top of the covers. He didn’t want to see his mom or dad ever again – he feared them more than _anything_ else. His memories about the abuse and neglect was patchy these days, as he had managed to push them to the back of his mind, but he knew that if he saw them, would come flooding back all at once.

With new memories came new night terrors – _worse_ night terrors. Frank wasn’t sure whether he would be able to cope with them, not if they were any more severe than the ones he had to battle with already.

He knew that if he managed to sob out half of what he was feeling to Gerard, he’d only force him to a shrink – something else they couldn’t afford now. Frank didn’t want to talk about how he was feeling to a stranger with a plastic smile as they wrote down everything he said. He didn’t care for the fake, “and how does that make you feel?” questions he was bound to get. It was obvious how the nightmares made him feel: weak, vulnerable and scared – like a child who lost their mother in a crowded store.

And, if he told to doctor everything he was feeling, Frank was certain he’d be placed straight onto suicide watch in the hospital. He didn’t want to be locked up in a sterile, white room for however many weeks they made him stay. Frank being away would only break Gerard’s heart, probably forcing him to turn back to alcohol to numb the pain for a while.

Frank let out a shaky breath and curled in on himself more. He was so fucking weak. Even at approaching thirty, his parents still made fear run through his veins, paralysing him with dread. He should have grown up by now. He’d been through shit, but hadn’t everyone? He wasn’t starving (anymore), and he had a roof over his head, despite everything. He should have been grateful for everything – not cowering on his boyfriend’s bed as he thought up scenarios which would be extremely unlikely.

The city was _huge_ – the logical chances of him running into his parents would be slim, he told himself. And, even if they happened to see one another, the likelihood of them remembering Frank was also small. They would probably walk straight past him without a second glance. Gerard told him he looked a lot different to what his parents were going to look out for. They were strongly opposed to tattoos and piercings of any kind, so he would only receive disgusted looks from them rather than any physical confrontation.

No matter how many times he tried to tell himself he would be safe in Gerard’s apartment, he couldn’t help but flinch when he heard something drop to the floor in the kitchen. Logically, he knew it was the sound of a pan hitting the ground, but Frank felt his throat tighten and his stomach clench. He refused to move to investigate even though his brain was screaming at him to move – to run – away from the loud noise.

Frank shuffled up the bed, until his head was resting on one of the many pillows lining the headboard. Picking one at random, he held onto it for dear life, hugging it to his body as if it would protect him if someone barged into the bedroom.

He buried his head under the remaining cushions in an attempt to hide himself completely. He shut his eyes tightly, breathing heavily as he felt a panic attack take over his body. He stayed as silent as possible, letting himself shake violently and tears pour from his eyes. He pressed the pillows above his head down, stifling the sobbing sounds he was making. He had to calm himself down soon, knowing that Gerard would soon come into the bedroom to see whether his boyfriend was coping.

“Breath in, breath out,” Frank said to himself, quietly. He managed to crack a small smile as he remember seventeen year old Gerard crouching beside him, running his fingers through his hair as he gave in to another panic attack.

Back then, Frank was terrified. He was forced to another school in a totally different state away from the minimal amounts of friend he had made during his time in high school. He could still remember the anxiety gnawing at his when the Sister introduced him to Gerard at the start of the year, and the horror he felt when he started to fall for his roommate.

He was so vulnerable at that time, and was scared that he was mistaking acts of kindness for something more. He didn’t want to fall for Gerard then, it would have made everything too complicated. Being hopelessly in love with someone he was meant to spend the next year or so with wasn’t something Frank was comfortable with, especially with the voice of his mother floating around his head saying that feeling any attraction towards someone of the same gender was wrong and sinful – a sure-fire way to get him sent straight to Hell in the afterlife.

But Frank couldn’t help it then, and he was more than glad that he ignored his parents’ endless preaching about the teachings of the Bible as he stayed lying on Gerard’s bed, trying to keep his breathing steady.

He was protected here from the outside world – from people who wanted to get him. Whenever he needed help, Gerard would bend over backwards for him, catering to any one of his needs. If he asked Gerard to kill his parents for him, Frank was sure his boyfriend would give it his best shot.

On top of that, it was clear his boyfriend loved him, despite the fact he had yet said it. Frank saw it in his eyes – the worry, lust, affection and happiness whenever he made Frank smile. It was endearing to him, and Gerard’s smile was contagious. They would spend ages just grinning at each other, utterly silent, until one of them laughed, like lovesick puppies.

In spite of the threat of his parents, and the feeling in the pit of his stomach that he was soon going to be fired, he forced himself to smile into the pillow – stopping himself from sobbing for a couple of seconds.

His life couldn’t get much worse now, not when he had Gerard in it. Before, he was a lonely teenager being beaten up by his parents, but he was no longer that person – to anyone else, he would be unrecognisable.

He wasn’t going to let his mom and dad ruin his life for the second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been _so_ long! I've had writers block for a while and then got too invested in my other fic, meaning I lost interest in this one (sorry). However, here's a short-ish update!
> 
> I hope I got my wording right for the part about the Ten Commandments. I'm an atheist, and I haven't studied religion in over two years, so things are a little rusty.
> 
> Also, there are some lines in here which look a little like references to various MCR songs, but they really aren't -- it's just a strange coincidence. Oops. xo
> 
>  
> 
> (I haven't reread this, so please ignore any typos and so on for a few days.)


	23. Chapter 22

For the next few days Frank stayed house-bound. Whenever Gerard tried to encourage him out with the suggestion of various different dates they could go on, Frank politely declined. At first, Gerard understood the other man’s anxieties of leaving the building – if he had psychopathic parents, who were recently released from a long period in prison; he wouldn’t be too keen to go outside, either. But, the longer Frank stayed inside, the more distressed he started to get. To Gerard, his approach wasn’t working at all.

“You need to go outside for a bit. You’ll go insane if you stay locked away for much longer,” Gerard said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Frank hadn’t moved from underneath the covers even though it was nearly midday.

“Don’t want to,” Frank whined, nestling down into the bed even more. He was starting to act like a petulant teenager, refusing to awake up for school on the first day back. Gerard wouldn’t have minded if it hadn’t happened before, but for the second consecutive day it was irritating him a little.

“We could go for a walk in the park like we used to,” Gerard suggested. He placed his hand on top of covers directly over Frank’s leg. He drummed a random rhythm with his finger tips, trying not to get too annoyed with his boyfriend’s immature behaviour. However, it was getting increasingly difficult to keep his temper.

“Don’t want to,” Frank repeated, refusing to turn to face Gerard.

Gerard sighed to himself. He was getting bored sitting in his apartment all day, and there wasn’t much he wanted to do on his own – not now he had Frank with him.

“You need to stop being so paranoid, okay?” Gerard heard Frank huff, but decided to ignore him and continue. “No one is going to come and get you, or whatever you’re thinking right now. Your parents won’t recognise you. Hell, _I_ hardly recognised you before. And, if you do see your parents, we can go straight back home. You’re going to get depressed if you stay inside much longer.”

Frank rolled over, propping himself up against the headboard. “Stop being so paranoid, huh?” Frank asked, anger seeping through his voice. “Stop being paranoid about the fact the people who could have killed me are walking the streets? You wouldn’t say that to a person who was assaulted by some stranger, would you?” Frank snapped, glaring at his boyfriend. “You wouldn’t – _of course_ you wouldn’t! Just because they were my parents doesn’t make it any less serious!”

“I know,” Gerard argued back. “I know it doesn’t make it any less serious, but the city is _massive_ – they aren’t going to just walk into you. You don’t want them to get to you like that – if you do, it’s like you’ve won.” Gerard knew what he was saying was harsh, but it was the only way he felt like he was going to get through to Frank. The idea of his parents getting the better of him would (hopefully) motivate him to _finally_ get out of the cramped apartment. Or that was what Gerard hoped, at least.

“Fine,” Frank said, still glaring at Gerard. “I’ll go out if you stop going on about it. But, if I even see _them_ in the distance, I’m coming straight back here.”

Gerard watched silently as Frank scooted out of bed, flattening his hair down as went. He hated feeling so proud of his plan actually working, but couldn’t deny the fact he was relieved that they were getting out of the apartment block. Although he said Frank would start feeling depressed, he had started to feel restless being indoors all the time.

He heard the sound of someone slamming the bathroom door shut, quickly followed by the sound of the shower humming quietly. He stayed sat on the edge of the bed, planning something for the both of them to do – something that wouldn’t end in a disaster.

***

“You look nervous,” Gerard said softly, looking at Frank as they stood just outside the block of apartments.

“I’m fine,” Frank said, through gritted teeth. He didn’t bother trying to hide the fear pulsing through his veins. He’d probably see someone who looked like this father and panic, causing a scene in the busy streets. He didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself, but a grown man dropping to the floor, crying, would raise some eyebrows.

They had left a little after two in the afternoon – a little later than Gerard would have wanted, but he guessed Frank needed some time to prepare himself. Gerard didn’t want to rush him, knowing it would only make his boyfriend more anxious and end up with another argument. So, he ended up sitting on the couch for over an hour, waiting.

“You’ll be fine,” Gerard whispered, placing a small, discreet, kiss on Frank’s cheek. “Stay close to me if you feel scared, okay?”

“I’m not seven, Gerard. I can look after myself.” Gerard raised a questioning eyebrow, knowing Frank was only trying to hold onto some of his remaining pride. “Where are we going?” Frank asked, quickly changing the subject when he saw his boyfriend’s unbelieving look.

“The park,” Gerard replied, reaching down so they could link their fingers together. “It’s a nice day – we need to make the most of it.”

Frank groaned to himself. It was a nice day; the sun was up high in a cloudless sky, heat beating down on them, and there was only a small breeze – removing the humidity from the air. Despite the glorious weather, he still wanted to be inside. Inside meant away from people who could harm him. Inside meant he was hidden from view – hidden from the world.

He felt Gerard squeeze his hand tighter and looked up to see his boyfriend giving him an encouraging smile. He tried to copy the expression, but could tell it ended up looking more like a pained grimace than a smile he was aiming for.

Gerard nodded towards the general direction of the park, pulling on Frank’s hand slightly. Frank let out a long breath in an attempt to slow down how quickly his heart was beating. He needed to toughen up; nothing bad was going to happen, and he was only letting his paranoid brain control him. Gerard had told him multiple times that he was going to be safe, and they were going to a busy place. If anything suspicious happened, someone would have to call the police. Right?

***

It was unusually warm for an early spring day, so, as expected, the park was packed. Young children chased after each other, wrapped up in thick winter coats, laughing whenever one fell down onto the fresh grass beneath them. Frank watched as the parents gasped and hurried towards their child, picking them up only to smile when they saw the smiling faces of the toddlers.

Something about the scene around him made Frank relax a little. No everyone was out to get him, despite what his anxieties were telling him. People were going about their lives, and probably hadn’t noticed the two of them standing at the entrance to the park – that how he hoped it stayed.

Gerard dragged him towards an empty spot under leafless tree, a fair distance from the families with young children. It was quieter there, allowing them more privacy – time without being glanced at by passing strangers. Also, as it was out of the way, it could calm Frank down enough to let him enjoy the spring air.

Gerard kicked some of the dead leaves from the patch they had chosen. Luckily, it had been dry for a week or so, meaning the ground was dry enough to sit on without using their coats to protect their trousers. Once he was sat down, he beckoned for Frank to sit down with him, patting the grass.

Frank looked around the park, ignoring the irritated noise Gerard made. He could tell his boyfriend was rolling his eyes. “Fine,” he said after a couple of seconds glancing around the space.

“See, this is nice,” Gerard said the second Frank was sat beside him.

“What are we going to do? Just sit here?” Frank asked, turning to face Gerard. The sun was shining through the naked branches above, making it seem warmer with less glare from the bright beams of light – romantic, even. Frank snorted, knowing Gerard was far from a romantic person at the best of times.

“Yes,” Gerard replied, scooting closer to the other man. He gently rested his on Frank’s shoulder and placed a small kiss on his neck. “You’re still tense. Talk to me – what’s going on in your head right now?”

“You already know,” Frank whispered. He kissed the top of Gerard’s head, hoping that he’d change the subject if he avoided answering for long enough.

“Well, I know there’s _that_ , but I’m sure there has to be other things bothering you, too. You loved to go out before and now you don’t.”

“Before? You mean the time we used to sneak out of school to make out in the back of movie theatres?” Frank laughed at the memories, feeling himself relax. He wrapped an arm around Gerard’s middle, pulling him closer to his body.

None of the staff in their old school batted an eyelid whenever they were caught out of the school’s bounds without permission. Frank guessed it was because they were convincing liars, most of the time. And, if that didn’t work, most of the Sisters – especially the younger ones – would pity Frank, letting them get away with it.

Back then, Frank could have gotten away with murder if his looked sorry enough.

“What can I say? I lived for the risk. It wasn’t like you seemed to be against it either, remember?”

“We got thrown out of one of them once,” Frank said, laughing softly, moving around a bit so he could comfortably lie amongst the grass.

“Only because you were being too loud and disrupting the film.” Gerard shuffled down, lying down next to his boyfriend, using the other man’s chest as a pillow. “I know you’re avoiding the question, Frank.”

“Nothing – it’s just work,” Frank lied, running his fingers through Gerard’s hair. “Don’t worry about it.”

“How can I not be concerned about you?” Gerard asked quietly, rolling over so he could face Frank. He gave Frank a worried look, not buying his lie at all.

Frank shrugged, not bothering to give his boyfriend an answer. He knew, no matter how hard he tried, Gerard wouldn’t give up. If it wasn’t then, it would be when they were home. Frank dreaded the thought, but knew it was pretty much inevitable.

“Stop worrying, it’ll be the death of you,” Frank laughed, albeit weakly. He leaned down, kissing his boyfriend’s lips before he could start to complain. “Like you said, we’re here to relax and enjoy ourselves, _not_ to have some heart-to-heart about everything. That can wait.”

Frank heard Gerard mumble something under his breath, but decided to not question what he said. He put his arms behind his head, using them as a pillow, and wiggled around until he was comfortable – or as comfortable as he could be on the hard ground.

The sound of children laughing and screaming in delight had long faded into the background, only leaving the constant chirping of birds and the quiet chatter of couples walking past them. It was peaceful, Frank thought, but the nagging fear in the back of his mind was still there. He hated it. He hated how it made him feel defenceless and pathetic – he was certain he didn’t act like that when he was a teenager. He needed to grow up a bit and realise he was overacting.

All he had to do was try to push everything to the very back of his mind. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done it before, and it had worked for a couple of years. He didn’t see any reason why his attempts would not work again. However, this time, he wouldn’t have a trained therapist he could vent to – he just couldn’t afford one.

He closed his eyes and groaned mentally. He knew he had a lot of work to do.

***

As if the park wasn’t enough, Gerard had somehow convinced Frank to go to a restaurant on the other side of the city. All his attempts to try and tell Gerard he wasn’t hungry seemed to fall upon deaf ears as he was dragged through the streets by his hand.

“It’s just this way,” Gerard said excitedly, pulling Frank down another street. Frank couldn’t recall the streets they were walking through, but Gerard seemed to know exactly where he was going. Even though Frank asked where they were heading, Gerard shook he head. He claimed it was a surprise and that Frank would love it.

The streets quickly turned into back alley types of roads. Graffiti lined the walls of the tall buildings, and bottles were scattered across the floor. It didn’t seem safe at all, and it certainly wasn’t a place Frank would want to be when it got dark. It looked like a perfect place where someone would get killed and then their body would be found weeks later in a ditch.

Frank kept on asking where they were going, questioning whether the place they were going to was safe at all. He felt uneasy the longer they were down the back alleys, even the dark shadows made him jump whenever there was any movement among them.

“We’re nearly there,” Gerard said, tugging on Frank’s hand to make him go faster.

“Nearly _where_?” Frank asked for the millionth time. But, as he expected, he was greeted with the same response as before: silence.

Gerard slowed his pace as pulled Frank down another street. However, this street had signs of life, to Frank’s utter relief. There were bright blue lights adorning the top of doorways, all displaying different word – probably the names of the stores.

“And this is...?” Frank asked, looking around the street. He’d never seen anywhere quite like it before, and he wasn’t surprised since it felt like they had to walk for miles to reach where Gerard wanted to go.

“It’s a cafe I always loved to go to. It’s out of the way-“

“Really?” Frank cut in, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“Shut up,” Gerard laughed. “But it’s nice here, and I’m friends with the manger – which is always a bonus if you want a discount.”

Before Frank could complain, he was being pulled through the glass doors into a small cafe.

It was everything Frank anticipated when he saw the building: tiny, compact and empty. He tried not to look too displeased when he saw Gerard smiling fondly at the surroundings. The room looked like it was in need of being refurbished and modernised – the décor was outdated to say the least, but it was clean, which was a positive.

“Go and find somewhere to sit. I’ll see if I can find the manager,” Gerard whispered, gesturing to a small seating area that only consisted of five sets of table and chairs.

Frank watched as Gerard walked around the corner, presumably towards the kitchens. Unsure where to go, Frank hovered in the space between the door and tables for a couple of seconds. None of the furniture matched, making the whole room look like a jumble sale – unorganised but full of character.

Sighing to himself, Frank walked towards a small circular table with two large arm chairs around it. He perched on the edge of the cream coloured chair, taking in more of the room around him. There were photos lining the walls, the brown tinge of the pictures, as well as the questionable fashion choices suggested they were all from the mid-1980s. He could just about make out girl in one of the photographs, smiling, clinging onto a guy in a leather jacket. Frank laughed quietly; the whole set-up reminded him of _Grease_ a bit too much for his liking.

He reached towards the middle of the table, grabbing a paper menu from the centre. Frank sank back into the chair, and looked through the menu absently, waiting for Gerard to come back so they could order together.

***

The sound of people laughing snapped Frank out of his trance-like state. He sat up straight in the soft armchair, looking in the general direction of the noises.

“Hey – Hey, Frank.” Frank looked towards the gap between the kitchen and dining area. He wasn’t alone this time. A man, probably a few years older than Gerard was standing beside him. Frank cocked an eyebrow, confused with the new person in the room. “This is Nicholas, the manager I was telling you about.”

“Please, call me Nick – I hate being called Nicholas.” The man – Nick – shot Gerard a stern look, only making the other man laugh. He stuck out his hand, waiting for Frank to shake it. He took the other man’s hand, shaking it awkwardly. “If there’s anything you want, just shout.” Nick gave Gerard a quick wave as he went back towards the kitchen.

“He’s an old friend of mine,” Gerard explained, sitting down in the armchair opposite Frank. “He was training to be a photographer when I was at SVA. That probably explains the pictures, too. His parents’ were into photography – runs in the family and all that shit.”

Frank hummed, nodding. He picked the menu up from his lap and started to skim through the items on offer. Nothing looked that interesting to him – it was all the same: tofu and vegetables. It would probably be bland, and he could make the same thing back at Gerard’s apartment. He was going to complain, but caught Gerard smiling at him out of the corner of his eye.

“What?” Frank asked, brushing his hair out of his face, looking up at Gerard. Gerard quickly averted his gaze, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks. “What?” Frank repeated, laughing shyly.

“Why do I have to give a reason to why I was looking at the person I love?” Gerard questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Because it’s weird?” Frank suggested.

“I’m weird,” Gerard said with a shrug. “But you don’t seem to mind.”

Frank chuckled and rolled his eyes dramatically.

“It’s nice to see you’re not freaking out right now, that’s all,” Gerard said, barely over a whisper. He gave his boyfriend a soft smile, genuine happiness sparking in his eyes. He reached forwards, taking Frank’s free hand in his own, rubbing his thumb over the top of his boyfriend’s hand.

Frank watched Gerard’s thumb doing small circular motions over the top of his hand, smiling to himself. It was reassuring to him that at least one person loved him enough to put up with all his shit – past, present or future.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while longer, neither of them bothering to pick out anything to eat. They just enjoyed one another’s company in the deserted cafe.

A quiet cough brought the both of them out of their bubble. Gerard turned to face where the sound came from, and instantly smiled when he saw Nick standing a few feet away from them, a pen and notepad in his hand.

“Since when do you wait on tables?” Gerard asked, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Since minutes ago. What do ya’ want?” Nick asked, pressing the pen to the paper.

Gerard pointed to something randomly on the menu. When Nick scribbled something down, he turned to face Frank. He shrugged, and like Gerard, pointed to something on the menu without taking much notice of it.

Nick nodded and said that he’d be out with the drinks Frank didn’t remember ordering.

***

Walking back to Gerard’s apartment wasn’t as bad as Frank had anticipated. Although it was pitch black outside, the bright lights coming from the signs lit some of their way. Whenever they were plunged into darkness for a while, Gerard grabbed onto Frank’s hand, silently comforting him.

Luckily, the walk back to Gerard’s place was a lot shorter than Frank thought it would have been, because within quarter of an hour, they were walking down the street towards the all too familiar block of apartments.

Gerard temporarily let go of his boyfriend’s hand and rummaged around in the pocket of his jeans until he found his keys again. With a triumphant sound, he pulled the bits of metal from his pocket headed towards the doors.

“I’m not sure why you need the key. You could kick down the door, no one would care,” Frank commented as Gerard tried to figure out which key to use.

“It may be a shithole, but I don’t want to pay for the damages. However, if you’re offering...” Gerard turned to face Frank, grinning at him.

“No, I think my days of breaking into buildings are over,” Frank replied, shaking his head.

“Shame. Could always imagine you breaking into some innocent woman’s home and ransacking her house,” Gerard mused. “Definitely seems like you.”

Frank scoffed, only making Gerard smile more.

“You’re an idiot,” Frank said fondly.

“But I’m _your_ idiot,” Gerard laughed. He closed the few steps between them, placing a quick kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. “And you know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised it's been two weeks since I updated (sorry!) However, my mocks are over and getting two Bs and a C isn't too shitty.
> 
> Anyway, this is pretty much a filler chapter and nothing happened... at all. I just wanted to get something out because I felt bad. So, here you go. xo 
> 
> (P.S. I'm considering making a Twitter account that is linked  
> to this. Basically, I can tweet updates on my fics so everyone isn't left in the dark for weeks. It's just an idea, but it may happen one day. Who knows).


	24. Chapter 23

Nothing major had happened since the news that his parents had been released got to him. Frank felt stupid for freaking out so much, but no matter what he said, Gerard would tell him it didn’t matter – apparently he had a reason to act the way he did. He was scared, Gerard had told him, and Frank couldn’t deny that he was terrified for the first few weeks.

And, with enough persuasion, he’d managed to drag himself out of his boyfriend’s apartment to the office he was meant to be working in. As he expected, he didn’t feel as welcomed in the crowded room, full of people typing away at their desks. He’d received a few kind smiles, but that was pretty much it. Frank didn’t mind, though. He liked slipping away into the background to get on with his work – it helped him concentrate.

Frank sighed to himself when he reached his workspace. He didn’t know why he was so shocked when he saw a pile on uncompleted pieces to do. He had been off for far too long, and he was glad himself and the boss were on friendly terms; he was sure that if he was employed by anyone else, he would have been fired weeks ago.

Brushing the papers to one side, he turned on the computer. A low whirring sound came from the machine, probably from a lack of use. As Frank waited for it to boot up, he sifted through the tasks he was given. He didn’t see anything of interest – they were all the boring things that happened within the city: new shops, someone winning a prestigious award and something about charity event coming up. Frank wished something exciting would happen for once, it was New York for fuck’s sake.

Still, he couldn’t complain. Even though he still in his job, he could feel that one objection could send him out for good.  He still had to save up for him and Gerard to move out. New York was expensive, especially where they dreamed of to go – the suburbs. Frank laughed quietly and shook his head; the more the thought about it, the more it sounded impossible to achieve.

It was worth a shot, at least. Maybe they’d get lucky and win a substantial amount of money. He wondered whether he was in his parents’ will and how much money he’d get if they both happened to die out of the blue. They were getting old, and the chances of having a heart attack increased with age. It was a strong possibility...

Before Frank could dwell on his parents’ demise, he felt someone tap on his shoulder. Slightly startled, he turned to face the person stood behind him. He was instantly met with an unfamiliar face smiling down at him. He cocked an eyebrow, hoping the mystery person would introduce themselves before it became too uncomfortable.

“Hi,” the person said, still smiling brightly. Frank didn’t know how anyone could be so cheerful in the depressing office area, not to mention it was a Monday morning. “I’m Susie. You’re Frank, right?” she asked, pushing some of her hair away from her face.

“I am,” he replied, still with his neck craned awkwardly to look at her. He didn’t recognise Susie; she was probably employed when he was away. He wondered how many new faces he’d have to struggle to remember and make small talk with at the photocopying machine. Great, just what he needed.

“Are you new too, then? I haven’t seen you before.” Susie was still smiling at him, making Frank feel uneasy at how friendly she was towards him. He was sure none of his other work colleagues were like this when he first joined the company years ago, and he was more than happy to keep it that way.

“I’m not,” Frank answered, turned his chair around to properly face the girl to stop his neck getting stiff. “I was off for, um, personal issues.” The girl’s smile quickly faded into a look of utter horror. Frank had no idea what she thought his personal issues entailed, but he presumed it was more than a messy breakup with an ex-boyfriend. Being vague made it sound like someone had died – that was what most people said when they took a considerable time off work, anyway. As much as he wanted to reassure his new co-worker, he liked not seeing the broad smile on her face for once.

Susie still looked horrified at herself. In Frank’s opinion, she was overacting a bit too much for what she had said, it wasn’t as if she had said anything awful either. He could already tell that the girl was going to start irritating him, judging by her quick mood changes.

“I’m sorry,” she said, too quickly. Frank discreetly rolled his eyes as he heard someone chuckle from the desk behind them. “I didn’t mean to pry.” Susie started to back away, still looking mortified. Once she was on the other side of the room, Frank looked at his other co-worker, shrugging his shoulders in confusion.

“She’s always like that,” the other woman mouthed from the opposite desk, making sure Susie couldn’t see. Frank groaned and slumped down into his seat before facing his computer and the pile of assignments to be completed by Friday.

He could only hope she’d leave him alone now they were all hard at work – or trying to fool the boss they were being productive. Maybe the girl would get sacked, moved or Frank got promoted and transferred into another building.

He would only be so lucky.

***

It had been a while since Gerard was alone for more than a few hours at a time. It was boring ever since he got used to someone else being with him all the time. His apartment was dull, and weekday TV was always shit. Sometimes he wished he cared for the nonsensical crap coming from the talk show host’s mouth, but he couldn’t make himself be bothered about the latest celebrity gossip or the most popular songs of the week.

With a heavy sigh, he sat back down on the old couch. He was happy Frank was back in work – normality was great for his boyfriend health, but Gerard couldn’t stop the selfish streak going through his body when he wanted Frank to stay with him so they could laze around all day, much like before. He enjoyed the intimacy of it all – feeling loved. It was nice to do nothing and relax together without a pressure to make aimless conversations.

And cuddling usually ended in some kind of make out session and various sexual favours. Gerard certainly didn’t mind those at all.

Before he met Frank, his alone time would consist of getting drunk, jerking off and then passing out a few hours later. But now, mid-recovery, and with no really incentive to touch himself, he stayed lying on the couch, humming a tune to himself and stared intently at the ceiling above.

“You slept with my _sister_?!” came a scandalised voice from the television. Gerard chuckled to himself as the woman screeched incoherent words at the stunned-looking man sitting on the seat beside her. Some people’s lives were so unnecessarily dramatic, he thought to himself. He glanced at the screen just as the woman was being dragged off the stage by two muscular bodyguards, preventing her from assaulting her boyfriend. The woman looked like she could kill the other man with her bare hands.

As boring as the programme was, he was somehow captivated by it. All the people did there was yell, get taken off screen and then made to work out their differences in front of an audience. It reminded Gerard of when he was forced to apologise to a boy in front of his kindergarten for drawing on the other kid’s work. In his defence, the other kid was colouring outside the lines, and he just wanted to put it right. Evidently, the boy didn’t appreciate Gerard’s help and went to find a teacher within seconds.

Being five years old was so much easier. Nothing mattered then. The worst thing that could happen to him was being told he couldn’t watch cartoons until the unheard of hour of eight o’clock at night by his mom. He remembered many times when he stormed off to his room, slamming the door behind him after those kinds of arguments.

He shook his head, a sad smile creeping onto his lips. He missed his mom, sometimes. He wished he was more confident to see her again. Ever since the last time, he couldn’t muster up the courage to call his mother, never mind visit his family home. He hated that the building was linked with some of his best and worst memories. 

Gerard sat up and leaned against the arm of the couch. He rubbed his eyes, not realising there were tears welling up in them.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, wiping stray tears from his cheeks. He needed something to do – he couldn’t let himself think himself into depression. He shuffled off the seat, unsteadily standing up. He stretched, loosening his joints a little. He gazed around the room, looking for something to occupy himself with. Gerard could just see a sketch book sticking out from underneath a chair; he must have left it on the floor from weeks ago. Drawing was something – it kept his mind busy when he had to think about new characters to sketch.

He walked towards the book, picking it up and flicking through the pages. Most were empty; he clearly didn’t manage to do much last time. Sighing, he walked through the archway into the kitchen. He put the sketchbook down on the table, deciding he should probably start to plan out something, and maybe sell it. Since Frank was working, he ought to as well.

Gerard collected some of his pencils from their room. They’d been neglected – shoved into a cupboard and forgotten about – half of them were unusable anymore. He felt a pang of guilt in his stomach; Frank had bought them for him and they weren’t cheap.

He silently vowed that he’d pay Frank back the moment he had enough money.

He sat down at the kitchen table, various pencils in his hand. He had a creative block, but he knew he could think of something, even if it was utter shit. It seemed that people didn’t care what they bought – if it looked pretty and at the right price, they didn’t bother about the quality of the art.

“Pretty, generic, sellable,” Gerard said to himself as he pressed the tip of the pencil to a clean sheet of paper.

***

Time seemed to drag in Frank’s office. He had forgotten how boring it was there – there wasn’t anything to look at bar the clock and an occasional bird flying past the window every once in a while.

When the clock _finally_ reached five, he quickly saved where he was up to and turned off the computer. Frank muttered a few farewells’ and gave Susie a small wave that still looked appalled at what Frank had said to her. As he walked by her,he considered telling her to stop worrying about it and that it wasn’t anything bad, but the urge to get home and to his boyfriend was more appealing than chatting to an overly smiley girl.

He took his coat from the hooks, throwing it over his shoulder as he hurried towards the exit. Soon enough he’d be home, away from the semi-stressful environment of his workplace.

He felt pathetic when he realised how much he missed Gerard. They’d only been away from each other for less than nine hours, but it felt like a lifetime to him. Although it should have been a concern that he was so dependent on another person, Frank didn’t see any issues with it. There wasn’t a reason he should not miss the man he loved – it was a natural feeling, surely.

Frank rushed out of the building, cringing as the cold air hit his skin. He took the coat off his shoulder and wrapped it around himself tightly. Luckily, the apartment was barely twenty minutes from the office blocks, and Frank was sure he could make it back home in fifteen if he walked fast enough.

***

The grim hallways of the apartment block had never looked as welcoming as Frank walked through them to get to the front door. He smiled when he reached it, and he pushed it open quietly. Placing his coat on the floor, he snuck through the apartment. He could clearly hear Gerard singing to himself in the kitchen. Frank stood out of sight, trying to work out the song. His smile became wider when he recognised it: _Vicar in a Tutu_. The lyrics always made both of them laughed because Gerard tried to draw the vicar one night when there was nothing better to do.

Frank walked around the corner, into the other room. Gerard still hadn’t noticed his presence; he was too preoccupied at the stove, stirring something which was bubbling in a pan. He tiptoed towards his boyfriend, smirking.

“Hey, baby,” he said, quietly, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s middle. Gerard jumped and made a sound that Frank could only describe as a squeak of surprise at the sudden contact.

“You nearly gave me a _heart attack_ ,” Gerard said, abandoning the pan and turning to face his boyfriend. He placed his arms around Frank’s neck, pulling him into a quick kiss, pulling back when Frank wanted to deepen it. Gerard let out a small laugh. “How was work?”

“Mind-numbingly boring,” Frank replied as he started to rub small circles into the other man’s hipbones. “Missed you.” Gerard didn’t miss the suggestive tone lacing his boyfriend’s voice. He raised an eyebrow slightly, trying not to giggle.

“I missed you, too. But you need to let me go before your food burns,” Gerard said, softly, pressing a light kiss on Frank’s cheek.

Frank groaned but let Gerard go back to stirring whatever he was making. Frank rested his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder, looking at the red sauce that was in the pan. “What is it?” he asked, kissing Gerard’s neck in a lame attempt to distract him.

“It’s going to be a lasagna,” Gerard answered, refusing to look at Frank.

“You’d make such a good wife,” Frank commented, laughing when he felt Gerard try and push him away.

“Shut up,” he laughed. “I want to be proposed to in a more romantic way, not when I’m trying to make you something nice. You’re so ungrateful!” he said, light-heartedly. He heard Frank mutter something under his breath, but didn’t pay any attention – he could hear his boyfriend chuckling softly in the adjacent room.

The faint smell of burning reached his nose, making Gerard hastily mix the food on the stove. He was sure Frank wouldn’t tell some bits were slightly more well done than others when it was finished.

***

It had been Frank’s idea to put a film on whilst they ate, but the TV was quickly abandoned once they finished.

“Missed you, babe,” Frank said, almost breathlessly as he placed impossibly delicate kisses down Gerard’s neck, making the other man squirm underneath him on the couch.

“You should go to work more if this what- _ah_ \- happens,” Gerard gasped when Frank decided to bite down on his neck, although not hard enough to cause much pain. As Frank started to gently nip on the same area, definitely making a bruise, he started to play with the hem of Gerard’s shirt, pushing it up ever so slightly.

“Off,” he grunted, putting more force behind his feeble attempts. Gerard pushed himself up a little, removing the shirt with ease. “ _Fuck_ ,” Frank swore, his voice thick with lust.

“Oh, come on. It’s not like you’ve never seen me naked before,” Gerard laughed, feeling himself blush the longer Frank stared at his body. He wasn’t in anyway insecure about how he looked, but the more his boyfriend gaped at his bare chest, the more uncomfortable he became.

“Perfect,” Frank whispered, almost to himself. “Fucking _perfect_.” He ran his index finger slowly down Gerard’s chest, stopping just above his waistband, making a cold shiver go down Gerard’s body.

Frank shuffled backwards, straddling Gerard’s thighs. He couldn’t help by admire the man before him, laying in front of him, chest rising and falling heavily, gazing at him with blown pupils – filled with desire.

He hooked his fingers on the waistband of Gerard’s jeans, pulling them to thigh-level. Gerard sighed softly, smiling blissfully at Frank. Without being asked, Gerard lifted his hips off the cushions, making it easier for Frank to remove his boxers.

He heard Gerard’s breath hitch when he was fully exposed in front of Frank. Gerard’s erect cock was lying flat against his stomach, already flushed and glistening with breads of pre-come. Fuck, it was one of the most erotic things Frank had seem, only making his pants feel unbelievably tighter.

Slowly, Frank kissed the bottom of Gerard’s stomach, following the strip of hair that went down into his pubes. As he worked his way down, he felt Gerard’s hand gently rest in his hair, grabbing onto some of the strands. Luckily for both of them, Frank didn’t have a problem with his hair being pulled whenever he sucked Gerard off – it only enhanced the pleasurable feeling.

“ _Hurry_ ,” Gerard whined, pushing his boyfriend’s head further down. Frank laughed, puffing hot bursts of air onto his lower stomach, only driving Gerard crazy with pure lust.

Not wanting to keep the other man much longer, Frank shuffled down the couch, positioning himself directly in front of Gerard’s dick. He heard Gerard whine, which quickly turned into a chocked moan as Frank licked the underside of his erection, right along the vein.

“Frank – _shit_ ,” Gerard moaned, firmly holding onto large clumps of Frank’s hair. He was glad he kept it long for that exact reason.

He smiled; repeating the same action, making sure Gerard’s cock was coated in saliva before sucking the head into his mouth, and running his tongue along the slit. The salty taste of pre-come filled his mouth, making him scrunch up his nose in slight disgust – he’d never liked the taste much, but he figured it was worth it.

Gerard’s back arched in pleasure and he sighed contently, relaxing his vice-like hold in his boyfriend’s hair. He smoothed it down, playing with a few bits of it. “Feels good, baby. Don’t stop,” he said, blissfully.

Frank pulled off, loosening his jaw and licking his lips. Before Gerard could muster up enough words to complain, Frank’s put his mouth back on the tip, swallowing Gerard’s cock down, relaxing his throat to allow it.

Taken by surprise, Gerard’s eyes snaped open and looked down at the top of his boyfriend’s head. “Jesus fuck-“ he managed to say, his head hitting the arm of the couch with pleasure with a groan, probably loud enough that the neighbours would hear clearly.

Frank smiled smugly, sucking as hard as he could. He was the only making Gerard writhe and swear profusely above him – him and no one else would make Gerard feel this good.

Frank backed up a little, playing with the sensitive head of Gerard’s dick with the flat of his tongue, pre-come coating it. Frank brought his hands under Gerard’s ass, grabbing onto them tightly. Gerard gasped at the new sensation and squirmed.

He took a deep breath, taking in the musky scent of his boyfriend. Frank wriggled against the cushions, trying to get rid of some of the pressure in his jeans. His cock was pressing against the zip, making it extremely uncomfortable, but he couldn’t focus on his discomfort when he heard Gerard mutter, “Finger me,” breathlessly.

Frank’s eyes fluttered closed at the request. Gerard reached down, grabbing Frank’s arm and pulling it from beneath him. Frank sucked on Gerard’s dick slowly, watching as Gerard placed two of Frank’s fingers into his mouth. Frank felt Gerard’s hot tongue cover his digits in salvia; Frank nearly came on the spot.

When Gerard stopped, Frank moved his hands back underneath his boyfriend. He parted Gerard’s ass cheeks and ran a single spit-covered finger over his hole one. Gerard’s leg quivered at the touch, full of anticipation.

Without any further warning, Frank simultaneously pushed his finger through the tight ring of muscles, knuckle deep, and deep throated his cock.

Gerard’s grip in Frank’s hair tightened, and he saw sure some was ripped out. “Fuck – _shit_. Oh _God_ ,” Gerard slurred, tugging at his boyfriend’s hair. Frank added a second finger, stretching Gerard’s hole.

“So fucking tight,” Frank tried to say, but it only came out as a few mumbling sounds. He crooked his fingers, searching for Gerard’s prostate. He swallowed around Gerard’s cock and started to fuck him with his fingers, violently.

It took him a couple of seconds before Gerard’s body went ridged, and he let out a whore-like moan – one which would be made by someone who just experienced an intense orgasm. Frank knew what was going to happen next, and prepared himself to swallow Gerard’s load. Just as he was ready, he felt a thick, hot liquid go down his throat. He tried not to gag as he forced himself not to spit any of it out onto the floor.

Frank removed his fingers, wiping them on the couch fabric. He backed away from Gerard, resuming his previous position – straddling his thighs.

His jaw felt sore, and his dick was digging into the material of his jeans. He watched Gerard’s for a while, smiling complacently when the other man opened his eyes, post-coital happiness shining in them.

Frank got off Gerard’s thighs and stood up. He unbuttoned his jeans, quickly discarding them on the floor, followed by his underwear. He let out a sigh of relief when the pressure was _finally_ gone, and gently ran this thumb over the slit.

He covered his palm with the pre-come, which was already rolling down the underside of his dick. He firmly gripped his cock and started to pump it slowly, forming a steady rhythm. Frank cursed under his breath and the pleasure radiating through his veins. He could tell he was close before he started. The memories of Gerard’s moans and tightness around his fingers were enough to make him hard without touching himself.

“So hot,” Gerard said, in a half whisper. His eyes were transfixed on Frank’s hand pumping away at his dick and Frank felt a pool of heat burn in the bit of his stomach.

“I didn’t know you get off by watching – _ah_ – people,” Frank joked. Gerard ran his tongue across his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth, and nodded.  “That’s so fucking – oh, _fuck_ – hot,” Frank said, flicking his wrist, making his vision so blurry in the corners.

“You gonna come for me, baby?” Gerard asked, his voice hoarse.

Frank gasped, feeling his legs become weak as his orgasm hit him, and come spilling out over his knuckles. He slumped to the floor, stars clouding his sight. He stayed with his back pressed against the couch, breathing heavily.

He felt the cushion dip as Gerard sat down next him, cuddling close to his side. He took Frank’s hand in his, spreading out his fingers. Before Frank knew what was going on, still in a post-organism haze, he felt Gerard’s hot breath hit the top of his hand, quickly followed by the feeling of Gerard’s mouth around his digits.

“So good,” Gerard whispered, licking the semi-dry come off them.

“Fuck,” Frank groaned, feeling his oversensitive cock twitch at the sensation.

After Gerard had taken Frank’s fingers out of his mouth, he wrapped a led around his boyfriend, holding him close. “I love you,” Gerard whispered into Frank’s ear, still sounding as if he was on cloud nine. Frank murmured something back, hopefully Gerard understood what he meant – his brain was still mush-like.

“I didn’t get to show you what I’ve drawn today,” Gerard said after a few minutes of silence. “We could sell them, if you want.”

Frank laughed in disbelief. “You just had one of the best orgasms in your life and you’re _already_ thinking about making money?”

“I – “ Gerard stuttered, unsure what to say.

“Show me tomorrow, sweetheart,” Frank said, kissing the top of Gerard’s head gently. “The floor’s getting uncomfortable, and I have work tomorrow. We need to sleep.”

Gerard groaned and nuzzled into the crook of Frank’s neck, wrapping his arms around the younger man’s middle. Frank smiled fondly at him. Even though he would have loved to cuddle on the floor all night, he knew it was going to benefit him the next morning.

“Bed. Come on,” Frank said, wriggling free from Gerard’s grip. “We can cuddle in bed – it’s comfier there, too.” He stood up, albeit slightly wobbly, and pulled Gerard up by his arm. He placed his hands on the back of Gerard’s back, just where his spine dipped, and pushed him towards the doorway into the hall, into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized it's been over a month since this was last updated. Oops. I've been super busy with university interviews (and their preparation. Got into the university I really wanted, which is pretty cool), as well as other school shit etc etc etc. 
> 
> I am still incredibly uncomfortable with writing smut, but it's been too long. Here you go. (Apologises if it's awful).
> 
> Hopefully everyone hasn't lost interest in the small hiatus time. Also, if you're reading my other ongoing fic -- it's not abandoned, and should be updated by next weekend, if not sooner. xo


	25. Chapter 24

Frank would be lying if he said he started to doubt his boyfriend’s work ethic – not seeing any progress is about three months did that to a person. So, when Gerard mentioned he’d _finally_ done something, Frank was a little sceptic to say the least. He was fully anticipating a couple of unfinished sketches and maybe some random doodles – nothing worth selling, as cruel as it was so think something like that about the person he loved.

“It’s only a few things,” Gerard had said as he pushed the door open to relieve a pile of canvases and paints scattered across the room. Frank scanned the floor, fully expecting to be greeted with a mass of unsellable scribbles. However, when his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, his jaw dropped.

“Shit,” he muttered, facing Gerard and grinning. “Only a few things?” he repeated, gazing at the drawings lined up against the wall. “How long did this take you? Have you been working when I haven’t been looking? When did you-“

“Shhh,” Gerard laughed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s middle and nuzzling against his neck. “I can work quickly when I want to. I can’t believe you ever questioned me.”

Frank stood in silence, shocked, and unsure what to say. He’d seldom been utterly speechless before, but this was one of the rare moments. There was one painting in particular that caught his attention. It was of what looked like a fantasy land – mythical creatures, magic, the lot – and it was stunning. He wasn’t sure how Gerard managed to do it all in less than ten hours, but he didn’t query it.

He managed to gently push Gerard from him and walked towards the painting. Even close up it still looked impressive as ever, if not better. There were groups of people dotted around the painting, all laughing. It reminded Frank of a typical beach vacation but with more magic – it was the best way he could make sense of it.

“Fuck, Gerard. I need to make some calls. People will _love_ these! Why didn’t you paint like this before?” Frank asked, but Gerard only shrugged, giving him a sheepish grin. “You’re amazing.”

“I know,” Gerard said, trying to keep a serious face, but started to smile again. He closed the space between them again, resting his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He felt at peace, for once. There wasn’t any stress, no feeling of doom flooding his veins, and Frank looked happy. Everything was falling into place, and Gerard couldn’t have been happier. He was finally getting that life he had dreamed of years ago – a perfect life with Frank.

He was sure Frank was talking about something but he couldn’t be bothered listening. It was probably about people to call – it always was. At some points in their relationship, Frank felt more like a manager than a boyfriend, but Gerard didn’t mind; it was nice having someone care for him that much. However, he made a couple of agreeing sounds and gently kissed his boyfriend’s neck, just enough to make him shiver and shut up.

“You haven’t been listening to me, have you?” he asked after Gerard had fallen silent for longer than usual.

“Nope,” Gerard replied, happily. “I don’t care what you do; I know it’ll be good whatever you pick.”

“It’s nice to see you care about this,” Frank said, sarcastically. Gerard just laughed and craned his neck to he could kiss the side of the other man’s lips. “Okay, fine. Go and call Mikey or something and I’ll sort this out.” He gestured to the artwork in the small room, smiling at Gerard fondly.

“You’re the best,” Gerard whispered, wrapping his arms back around Frank’s waist. “You know you don’t have to do all of this. You have better things to do than manage me.”

“I know, but it’s not like you’d do it if I did,” Frank stated. Gerard couldn’t find a counterargument for the reply, he knew it was true. If it wasn’t for Frank, he was certain that he’d either do nothing, or drown in the number of unsold sketches. He would be eternally grateful for what the other man was doing for him.

They stood in peaceful silence, enjoying each other’s company for a while. Frank tried to think about whom he could contact – he’d managed to collect a few people who would be interested, but he wasn’t sure about the price for the art in front of him. Pricing had never been his strong point, and Gerard always said that he would want to give them away for free, claiming they weren’t worth the paper they were drawn on.

“Call your brother, you haven’t spoken to him in a while,” Frank said, turning around so he could pull Gerard into a hug. Gerard rolled his eyes, smiling contentedly. “ _Go_.” Frank kissed him on the lips and pushed him away, pointing in the general direction of the phone. He heard Gerard grumble to himself as he left the room, Frank was sure he picked up his boyfriend saying that he’d rather die that speak to Mikey. Frank shook his head, chuckling, as he took out his cell phone from his pocket. After unlocking it, he found the person he was looking for a pressed call.

***

It was a late Monday morning when someone knocked on their door. Confused, Gerard got up from the couch and walked towards the door. He started to wonder who it was. Frank had only left two hours ago and wasn’t due home for another couple of hours, so Gerard quickly ruled out the possibility of his boyfriend standing on the other side of the door.

Gerard flattened down his hair as he caught his reflection on the blank television screen. He hadn’t showered, but he wasn’t expecting anyone – there wasn’t any point dressing up for lazing around all day, he thought.

Another knock on the door prompted Gerard to call out that he was coming. Whoever they were, they weren’t waiting around for much longer. Checking his hair in the mirror-like screen, he opened the front door.

He looked at two men, both dressed in suits. Gerard felt even more underdressed in his old t-shirt and jeans – both of which had old stains on from fuck knows what. An awkward silence fell between them, none of the three knowing exactly what to say. The scene reminded Gerard of some kind of 50s gang – a bit like the Cray Twins. He hoped it wasn’t; he didn’t fancy being killed today and he still had things he wanted to do with Frank.

“Mr. Way?” the taller of the two men asked. He had dark brown hair, neatly tucking behind his ears and brown eyes to match. Gerard guessed that he looked friendly enough, he wouldn’t get stabbed today.

“Yes?” Gerard asked, hesitantly. He still wasn’t sure what was going on, but the man who had yet to talk gave him a small smile, breaking some of the tension.

“Can we come in?” the man asked. “I’m Mr. Millstone and this is Mr. Prichard,” the man – Mr. Millstone – said, and nodded towards his friend.

“Look, if you’re going to rob me, can you do it now? I can’t be bothered with all this formal shit,” Gerard said with a small sigh, stepping to the side to allow the two men in. “There isn’t much to take, just saying,” he mentioned as he pushed the door closed behind them.

Mr. Prichard laughed, exposing a row of bright white teeth. “I think you’ve scared him,” he said to his friend. “Sorry, I’m Matthew, and ignore Oliver. He tries too hard sometimes. Honestly, I told him we looked like we’re from the mafia, but he didn’t believe me.” Gerard felt himself instantly relax, and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when the formal tones dropped. “Anyway-“

“We’ve had a tipoff that you’ve been selling you’re art from home?” Oliver said, not dropping the forced formal persona.

“Oliver,” Matthew snapped. “We aren’t the police, okay? All you’re doing is worrying him, Jesus Christ.” Gerard snorted, unsure whether it was okay to laugh. “Basically, someone called Mr. Iero sent us some of your artwork and we’re interested in offering you a job as an illustrator in our book company-“

It didn’t seem real. It _wasn’t_ real. How could it be? When did Frank send anything off? The only thing he knew about was the calls and that one market he was forced to go to in December. But this? This was something completely different; he didn’t think his boyfriend was capable of.

“Yes!” Gerard said, smiling so hard his cheeks began to hurt. “Where is it? Is this _real_?”

“Of course it’s real,” Oliver said, finally loosening up. “The only catch is that it’s in California, so you’d have to move. We could find somewhere for you and your partner to say in the meantime.”

California? That was far – probably too far. Frank would never agree it to. He’d never managed to convince him to go to North Carolina never mind anywhere over two thousand miles from their house. Gerard could feel his chances slip between his fingers. Even if he thought the chance was a once in a lifetime one, if Frank wasn’t happy, then he wouldn’t be happy. It wasn’t something they could compromise with, and commuting was out of the option – a twelve hour flight there and back wasn’t a viable reason to do every weekend, not to mention the price of the tickets each week.

“Does Frank- uh, Mr. Iero know about where it is? You said he was the one who contacted you,” Gerard said, trying to keep some enthusiasm in his voice.

Matthew laughed at seemingly nothing. “Frank’s still refusing to leave the state then? Man, he hasn’t changed.” When Gerard gave him a confused look, Matthew smiled. “We went to the same college,” he explained. “Guess Frank didn’t talk about this college life much then?”

“Uh, no,” Gerard said, stunned. Too much was happening. Perhaps this was a dream and he was going to wake up on the couch in a few minutes, disappointed and sad, with the television playing in the background.

Oliver smiled and Matthew started to tell Gerard stories from their time in university. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t focus on the words. His mind was going at one hundred miles per hour trying to process everything that happened in less than forty-five minutes. It had to be fake – a scam. Things like that didn’t happen to him, they just _didn’t_. His luck was generally shit, he was used to it. Maybe a couple of nice things happened in his life – meeting Frank, for instance. Nothing major, nothing big, only little moment that added up to something big. Definitely not as offer of an actual job – a noticeable career.

“Oh! And that one time Frank was so drunk he climbed up a tree and fell asleep,” Matthew laughed. He looked at Gerard and raised an eyebrow. “If you don’t believe me, call him. He’s at work, right?” Gerard nodded. “He’s honestly fine with the move; he said it would be good for the both of you or something like that.”

He pulled out his phone and quickly sent Frank a text questioning the legitimacy of the people standing in his apartment, claiming that they knew him.

A few seconds past in uncomforted silence before Gerard’s phone lit up.

“ _go for it. Ollie + matt r old college friends of mine. Im fine w/ moving as long as u r :)_ _x_ ” Gerard smiled at the message, looking back up at the two men before him.

“If he’s okay with it, so I am.” He grinned, letting out a long breath

“Great!” Oliver said, taking Gerard’s hand in his own. He shook it, rather violently Gerard thought. “The tickets for your flight will be coming in the post soon, and someone will pick the both of you up from the airport. It’ll be a pleasure working with you, Gerard.”

And, with that, the two men turned around and left Gerard’s – now old – apartment. He ended up staring at the closed door, allowing the tears of joy to roll down his cheeks.

The two of them together in a new state, with a new life and a fresh start – exactly what they needed. From then on life would be better. There would be no threat of ever bumping into Frank’s parents and they were both miles from the places which were only linked with bad memories. Gerard would be following his dream, and no longer a one of the many stories that people told their children of failed careers in art. They would have their nicer house, far, far away from the rundown areas of the city which they were forced to inhabit because there was nowhere else to live. Perhaps this one would have a garden and they could adopt a dog and fulfil Gerard’s idyllic aim of picture-perfect family.

“The future starts now,” Gerard whispered, his voice hoarse and thick with tears. He sunk down to the floor, grinning widely and finally not dreading what was about to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I was dragging this out, and honestly, if I kept on going I'd end up with something even worse... Plus, I didn't want to bring back Frank's parents.
> 
> Anyway, this will be the final part of this series. No more (sorry). Hope you enjoyed it!! xo
> 
>  
> 
> (Alternative ending: Frank's parents coming back and killing their son. I chose the nicer of the two because I didn't want to end it all with death).


End file.
